Thinking thoughts...

I've been thinking about ethics and integrity again...

Each time I examine what exactly it is that makes me "tick" I find that there is some little moral to the story to be found - that things maybe aren't as black and white as they seem in the heat of the moment.

I recently did one of those Meyers Briggs type tests where ya fill in a bunch of yes and no questions and once it's all done they tell ya what "type" you are.

I am Joe Normal.

What a concept...that someone as puzzled as I am could be considered normal...I used to see myself as cutting edge...or wise...or at the very least smart...and now I just see myself as a work in progress...

Which brings me to my epic thoughts of the day....once upon a time I belonged to a club of women from all over the world for and for a couple of years I reveled in the "belonging"...I started out as a "wanna be" and then graduated to a "maybe" and then became an official part of the sisterhood...

To the outward eye this club was everything that I needed at that time in my life - and I guess I got into it with some sort of naivete. I really felt from my heart that these people that I was involved with were an integral part of my life...I laughed with them, I cried with them, I loved them and I thought that they loved and respected me...

...but what happens in life is that eventually people prove themselves to be infallible or human and when yer not watching the proverbial hits the fan...(pay attention now...this is where the great moral question comes in to play...)

So to proverbial hits the fan and the group splinters...and while I am heart broken to loose all of these people that had become my sisters, I had to, for the sake of my "integrity" err on the side of the people that I believed in...the people that I had held in such high esteem that I had joined the group in the first place....the people that I was so sure wouldn't play games with my integrity.

Long story short...there was no right or wrong. There was no black or white. What there actually was was perceptions of grey. Some hateful things were said to me in the heat of the moment. Over a very short period of time (possibly a month or two) I found out that I'd been lied to and as a result I severed all ties with everyone...both sides of the fence.

So now here I am - a year or so down the road - and I find that I don't care that I was lied to by some, and I don't care that there was some mean/disrespectful things said to or about me...what I care about is that I miss those relationships in my life...and I wish with all my heart that the mean or disrespectful things had never happened....that I hadn't judged nor been judged

I wish that those people that I left behind knew that I forgave them their anger, that they knew that "things" are almost never as they seem...and that at the end of the day...forgiving is possibly the most important integrity one can live by.

Do I believe that this is proof that I was right and they were wrong?...No...it's simply proof that time changes reality...and that life is relative to the moment...not the past nor the present...

and that, as they say, is enough thinkin for one day!

Children...

I had a child when I was 18 and gave her up for adoption.

I wasn't in college at the time - I was pretty much a lost soul (drugs and trouble a go go - every parent's nightmare) but I had it in my head that this child I was carrying would be the "saving" of me and that I should carry her and give birth and by some kind of miracle we would both live happily ever after.

The Voice of Doom (aka my mom) in her infinite wisdom - hussled me off to see a counsellor...whom I saw for about 6 mths of the pregnancy. This counsellor was able to assist me in "growing up" enough to make an adult decision about the future life of my child.

Through the counselling I was able to come to the understanding that my pregnancy wasn't to be taken lightly. That I should be responsible enough to make an adult and educated decision on behalf of the child I was carrying as opposed to a childish selfish decision for myself. So I made the decision to give her up and did so without ever seeing her. She was adopted by 2 Dr's in Eastern Ontario Canada...and that's all I know about her life.

Toughest thing I have ever had to do (and beleive me when I say that there have been some close seconds in my life cos I ain't done much the easy way - but none harder)

I look back from 50 at the path I travelled and understand now that it was in fact the best decision I could have ever made. For both of us. I was young and inexperienced and on a long road to trouble. A road that I would have likely hauled her along on. Eventually it came to pass that I realized that I needed to continue to "grow up" and I still consider myself a work in progress.

I have never tried to contact her, but I have registered so should she try to find me she can.
This I know...every parent thinks of their child or children at some point in time in each and every day. It's the very nature of parenting. In the instance of having given a child up for adoption, one does not think of the child less often, one simply must come to the understanding that one's thoughts can only be conjecture and pray that all the good conjecture has come to fruition for your child.

And that is the hardest part of all.

Uncle...

in the immortal words
of Debbie Reynolds
in the Unsinkable Molly Brown
"Uncle"

you win
I give up

for 40 years I have watched you
and been in awe

my beautiful baby sister
I have bragged about your accomplishments
and suffered your injustices
I have admired your wit and sense of humor
and been jealous of your connection with people

and for 40 years
you have been treating me
like something that should be
scraped off the bottom of your shoe.

this week has been the final straw
I promised Mom that we wouldn't get into it
so I haven't addressed this with you
in a clear concise manner

but hear me now
I quit
you will no longer have the power to hurt me
you will no longer have the power to make me cry
you will not ruin another night
you will not ruin another day
you will not ruin another birthday
you will not

for years - when I spoke of you
my beautiful baby sister
my heart would pound
and my chest would swell
with admiration
with pride

now
I am nothing more than
ashamed of what you have become
you are mean
you are angry
and you are sad

it breaks my heart
that I have more love from strangers
than my own baby sister
but I swear
I quit

this is it

"Uncle"

Sisterhood?

***here's a thing I'm just thinking...
is the idea of family
and the fullfilling relationships
that we all seem to strive for
with our families,
thereby setting us up for failure,
a fallacy?

Is it that too many of us
are getting our idea of sisterhood
and brotherhood
from what we've come to expect
from people we have met in our lives
as opposed to the reality that truly is family?

Is it that too many of us rely
on relationships as portrayed in the movies
or on TV
as opposed to reality
because there really is very little chance
that brothers and sisters
will act that way in the real world?

Act what way?
You could ask...

well...act all brotherly er sisterly...
as opposed to acting like the screamin
self centered harridan
that just arrived from across the continent

hmmmmmmmm?***

Happy New Years...

I have been sitting here
for hours
playing
online solitaire
and
trying to come to terms
with the fact
that my sister
is
and remains
an undying,
dyed in the wool
bitch. (period - end of sentence)

what the fuck ever possessed me
to think
that this time would be different?
what would make me think
that this time
it would be ok?

jezuz

and she's only been here 24 hours
by the time her 2 week visit ends
I should be god damn near
committable

she remains ever reliant
upon the fact that this family
will avoid conflict at all costs

maybe this time we won't
maybe this time I will couch it in the verbiage
of "conflict resolution"

"it really bothers me when you are mean and dismissive"
"it really bothers me when you are derisive and rude"

"it would hurt my feelings substantially less if you would treat me with the common garden variety courtesy that you treat strangers"

"when you treat me this way it makes me sad, it breaks my heart to have a better relationship with people I ride with than my own sister and I feel that I will no longer allow you that kind of power in my life. If this means I must cut you out of it, that will be your decision"

yah
well
not likely
I'm more likely to say
"yer a bitch - shaddup and fuck off"

but the thought's there.