here's something

that I've learned
over the last couple of weeks
(stay tuned for a metaphor
looking for a place to happen LoL)

but srsly....
I've made my world too small.

yup,
you heard me...

I did it
and I accept
full responsibility for it

sometimes I simply
can't see the forest
for the trees....

I've put all my eggs in one basket
and therefore
it shouldn't have surprised me
that
when that basket fell
every single egg broke.

I'm moving on...

life is too short to allow hurt
deception and ignorance,
lack of fairness, and assumptions
to be my nexus

I've got
places to go
and
things to do

I'll see those I want to
and ignore the rest

so much so
that the time for feeling
uncomfortable or sad
about burnt bridges
is well past
I'm actually truly surprised
at how past it has become...

As long as I do
once simple thing
I'll be fine....

I just need to
keep in my mind
who burnt the bridges
in the first place

it wasn't me....
and
if it worries others
they only have
themselves to blame

nothing will change that.

I also need
to continue to
believe in the principles of
~Karma~

in that
what you put out
will come back upon you
three fold....

so...
in the immortal words
of the blister:
"and....have.a.nice.day."

Neil Young - A Man Needs A Maid

My life is changing
in so many ways
I don't know who
to trust anymore
There's a shadow running
thru my days
Like a beggar going
from door to door.

I was thinking that
maybe I'd get a maid
Find a place nearby
for her to stay.
Just someone
to keep my house clean,
Fix my meals and go away.

A maid. A man needs a maid.
A maid.

It's hard to make that change
When life and love
turns strange.
And old.

To give a love,
you gotta live a love.
To live a love,
you gotta be "part of"
When will I see you again?

A while ago somewhere
I don't know when
I was watching
a movie with a friend.
I fell in love with the actress.
She was playing a part
that I could understand.

A maid. A man needs a maid.
A maid.

When will I see you again?

Knee jerk reacctions....

…abound
or “the perils of communicating online”
(this is likely the blogpost you’ve all been waiting for ;0)

last week on Tues I had an in-depth discussion
on facebook with two friends
one of whom I considered one of my closest friends
the other a friend whom I’d had a falling out with a year ago
the convo was about a subject
very near and dear to me
rape…
and our need to make fun
of the things
that make us uncomfortable
so it was an impassioned conversation
at the end of which I went to bed
thinking that the 2nd friend and I
had experienced a breakthrough
and that I’d really been heard
and really that all was well

I woke up on Wed thinking
what a great thing it was
to be able to have a conversation
with friends
and to agree to disagree
and not have it affect the friendships
to feel safe and to be able to trust them

I went back to re-read the response of the wife
of one of the friends
whom I also considered one of my closest friends
to find a message
from someone whom I’ve possibly met 3 times

it offended me right out of the gate…
he even said in the post “at the risk of offending”

coming out of the warm fuzzy’s
to someone making fun of my heart-felt stance
was like a slap in the face
and considering this person
was mostly a friend of a friend
(and likely a good guy
but not my personal friend)
I experienced a knee jerk reaction

for the 2nd time
in all the time I’ve been on FB
I deleted a “friend”
and I wrote the blazing blog found here…

the blog – in my mind
was directed at the some 700+
friends of friends
that I have on FB

I naturally assumed
that my personal friends
would understand my response
because they love me
right?

I’d also felt hurt by the response
from the wife of one of the friends
I’d had the discussion with
thinking that as one of my closest friends
I would be able to tell her that I’d felt hurt
so I sent her an email
asking for understanding of what she’d said
and why

I went to work
I was busy
but got a chance
to have cursory looks
at FB
a couple of times over the morning
nothing significant

so you’ll imagine my shock & surprise & hurt
when I got home at the end of the day
to find that the closest friend
had blocked me completely

and the friend whom I’d felt
I’d had a breakthrough with
had deleted me
then I found out that they’d not only deleted me
but that they’d deleted another female friend
that had been part of that impassioned convo
on Tues night…

knee jerk reaction again
I sent off an email suggesting they felt guilty
if they felt the blog post
was about them

both of them told me in no uncertain terms
that they “knew it was”

since then I’ve said repeatedly
that it’s not
but I can’t force them to believe me

one of the friends
in a response to my guilt email
suggested a couple of things
1. that I stop blogging
2. that I should have known they’d figure it was about them and that I should have told them right outta the gate that it wasn’t
3. that their deleting me had nothing to do with the convo on Tuesday but was more about my blog post
4. and that my threatening them was the cause of them dropping me

so I asked
if you were mad at me
why did you delete/block her?

a week’s gone by
the friend that originally blocked me
has unblocked me but is still not FB friends with me
there has been no communication
he likely feels that the ball is in my court
but what do you say to “I don’t want to be your friend?”

the friend I’d thought I’d had a breakthrough with
has now blocked me

I’ve heard nothing from the wives of either of them
save their posts on their own FB
which in my own knee jerk manner
leads me to believe that I’m on their hit lists too

my friend who got blocked because of me
has been hurt by this
through no fault of her own
I’ve apologized through the teeth
but in the end
can not change what’s happened

I’m no longer hurt
I’m no longer sad
I feel bad that there was a misunderstanding of this caliber
and that my 3rd friend got caught in the cross fire
but
I'm resigned....

I’m just kinda resolved…
to not worry about it
cos I can’t effect change on them
obviously they consider me a pariah
and can only conclude that
they would rather talk to others (or each other)about me
than talk to me
to attempt to resolve the issue

I know why I wrote the post
that they were offended by
I feel like had they truly been my friends
they would not have reacted
in a knee jerk manner
and deleted me
they’d have asked
like I asked the wife of one of them
and when I told them what was up
(and seriously I know you guys are talking
so what I sent to one is common knowledge now)

I’m sorry they took it the wrong way
but I ain’t gonna beg
they’ve made their knee-jerk decisions
albeit on erroneous information
and I am being vilified
by them as a result

I’m reminded of a quote the VOD’s mom used to utter
“don’t stir the hornet’s nest
if ya don’t wanna get stung”

I guess I inadvertently
stirred the hornet’s nest
and I can’t go back and un-stir it.
although this blog post may stir it more
I'm not stopping the bloggin
and telling my truth

and at this stage
I have really begun to wonder
if they weren’t just looking for an excuse.

The Road to Hell....

...by Chris Rea



Stood still on a highway
I saw a woman
By the side of the road
With a face that I knew like my own
Reflected in my window
Well she walked up to my quarterlight
And she bent down real slow
A fearful pressure paralysed me
In my shadow

She said "Son, what are you doing here?
My fear for you has turned me in my grave"
I said "Mama, I come to the valley of the rich
Myself to sell"
She said "Son, this is the road to Hell"

On your journey 'cross the wilderness
From the desert to the well
You have strayed upon the motorway to Hell

Well I'm standing by a river
But the water doesn't flow
It boils with every poison you can think of
And I'm underneath the streetlights
But the light of joy I know
Scared beyond belief way down in the shadows
And the perverted fear of violence
Chokes a smile on every face
And common sense is ringing out the bells
This ain't no technological breakdown
Oh no, this is the road to Hell

And all the roads jam up with credit
And there's nothing you can do
It's all just bits of paper
Flying away from you
Look out world take a good look
What comes down here
You must learn this lesson fast
And learn it well
This ain't no upwardly mobile freeway
Oh no, this is the road to Hell

the strangest thing

has happened

I got called for jury duty
on a criminal trial

what does one wear
to jury selection interview

someone suggested I should
paint something tribal on my head
wear a wife beater to show my tat's
and torn jeans

I'm thinkin work clothes will do

I'm slightly apprehensive
and slightly excited...

what if I put my foot in my mouth
it's a big foot and a bigger mouth
what if I embarrass myself?
what if they like me?

and want me to be on the jury?

veddy interesting....

Once Again Into the Breach!

I keep having to remind myself of this...
but eventually even I can be smart enough
to get it right...LoL

choices

maybe if I hit this drum
hard enough
or
often enough
or even long enough
even I'll get it right

Now Hear This!

Starting today and going forward immediately…all flamers will be shot with a ball of their own shit…no ands if’s or butts

if you are ignorant for the sake of being ignorant – gone

if you make blanket mean statements in a feeble attempt to chuck shit at those less fortunate than you perceive yourself to be – gone

if you can’t be bothered to have an intelligent or kind or meaningful discussion and at least listen to the feelings of the people you are belittling – gone

if you get your jollies outta hurting people’s feelings – gone

if you think being ignorant is a lifestyle or funny – gone

if you use words like “retard” to describe someone less fortunate than you – gone.

if you shock me with your meanness or ignorance....and are an unapologetic asshole – yer on your own.

People have been telling me for years to weed this shit out – and I keep trying to be fair…and give people chances…I keep hurting myself by stating my case and believing people to be honorable enough to at least have a discussion on a subject....and then having other people shit on my opinions…

I’m officially all outta fair, I’m finally all outta patience and I’m right up to here with being treated derisively or dismissively or meanly…I give up.

I’m done….if you fit into any of this criteria…you will no longer be a friend, associate or comrade…you will be dead to me.

that should at least make some of you happy.