Gone....

Over here.

Remembering...

I had a rather heated discussion with someone yesterday about wearing a poppy for Remembrance Day…

She pitched a scathing diatribe suggesting that “we should be praying for not glorifying war by dedicating a day to it and that she was part of a movement to change Remembrance Day to Peace Day”

I told her that “I am thinking of peace…and I honour all of the people that died so we have it….and if you don’t think I pray for peace on a daily basis…you are sorely mistaken...I am remembering my parents who did not serve in war time...but served none the less, my grandfather who suffered his whole life due to a war injury, my uncles, my aunts, friends old and new...I am remembering and honouring everyone who has served and given a piece of themselves so that we can live in peace."

She didn’t get it…but I do….everyone once in a while there's proof positive that you can be smart as the dickens and as learned as almost possible and still be a huge flaming boob.

So today I remember everyone that fought on our behalf…past, present and future….and I also remember that peace can begin with me

lest we forget....

of new homes and family

I have been watching
a double wide mobile
in a very "wet coast"
55+ neighbourhood
for about 6 mths

it started out at 101,000.00
but because it's old
it, over time
came all the way down to 44, 900.00
in an attempt to sell it

it had been at 44,900.00
for about 3 weeks

ever the procrastinator
on Wed I sent an email to my bother
asking him his opinion on the mobile
I told him my intent is to move closer to work
and that this would be a 7-10 min drive
as opposed to my current
half hour
so
we discussed the pros and cons
I said that immediately I'd have
to pull out the 30 yr old orange carpeting
and install laminate
and paint etc
besides I'd like a carport cos of the Pickle
and then there'd be all the work
moving outta an appt that
I've lived in for 12 years
and maybe it was just a pipe dream
cos my health is currently
giving me a hard time

he sent me the following email.
"Don't let moving out of your place,
or working on the new place
worry you as I don't have $$,
but I have a strong back.
putting a car port up is is nothing
I would be happy to help with my hands,
as I can't with my wallet.
let me know when you can look at it"

so I called
and it had just sold.

a lot of people
could have allowed themselves
some real frustration
at having waited one day too many

I think it was my karma kicking in
that I needed some kind of
support from my family
and it came in terms of the bother's offer

and that's good enough for me right now
I have all the time in the world
to find the right place
but those words
from my bother
lifted my spirits
and made me feel hopeful
for my future...

I know it'll happen...
someday.

Blog Blast for Peace

We are WITCHES.

"We are WITCHES.

We believe in the Power of the Universe.

We follow a religious tradition that is older than any other in this world.

We pay homage to the 5 elements of nature on a daily basis.

We greet the Sun and the Moon as Father and Mother,we are in tune with the cycles of nature.

WE ARE WITCHES...

CHILDREN OF THE EARTH ...

FOLLOWERS OF THE CRAFT OF THE WISE....

BEWARE IF YOU HARM US" - Lucas Meyer

All Hallow's Eve, Halloween, Samhain,,,,

seems....

that something is amiss
with this blog

this is just a test

Lucretia McEvil - Blood Sweat & Tears

Canadian Rockers Blood Sweat and Tears featuring David Clayton Thomas



Lucretia MacEvil
Little girl what's your game?
Hard luck and trouble
Bound to be your claim to fame
Tail-shakin' home-breakin' truckin' through town
Each and every country-mother's son, hangin' 'round
Drive a young man insane
Evil that's your name
Lucretia MacEvil
That's the thing you're doin' fine
Back seat Delilah
Got your six-foot jug o'wine, woman
I hear your mother was the talk of the sticks
Nothin' that your daddy wouldn't do for kicks
Never done a thing worth-while
Evil woman-child.
(spoken) ooh, Lucy, you just so damn bad
(Instrumental Interlude)
(Bridge) Devil got you lucy
Under lock and key
Ain't about to set you free
Sign sealed and witnessed
Since the day you were born
No use tryin' to fake him out
No use tryin' to make him out
Soon, he'll be takin' out his due
What-cha goin' to do?
Ooh, Lucy MacEvil
Honey, where ya been all night?
Your hair's all messed up babe
And the clothes you're wearin'
Just don't fit ya right
Big Daddy Joe's, payin' your monthly rent
Tells his wife he can't imagine where the money went
Dressin' you up in style, evil woman-child
(spoken) Ooh, Lucy, you just so damn bad
(Instrumental Interlude)

(spoken) Awe, here she comes, trouble
Well Lucy, walkin' down main street, lookin'
Well, tell me 'bout it
Where ya' been girl?!
Stop lyin', stop lyin', stop lyin', Lucy!
Ooooh, tell the truth girl!
(Instrumental Interlude)

I need a camera

sometimes you just really need to get a picture….

Last night I posted on my Facebook
that I felt that I was in need of
some adult supervision

cos I'd just burnt supper twice
I was attempting to fry some eggs
and both times burnt them...
it's a damn good thing they come
in packages of 12 no?

so here's the rest of the story....

when I got home from worklast night
I discovered that Mz Pix,
who is locked in the kitchen
all day while I'm away,
had somehow,
once again
pushed the garbage can
off of the little
rubber maid step stool
that it sits on
onto the floor
…and spread garbage everywhere.


I climbed over the gate
and pulled on the rubber gloves
and started scraping things back
into the can…
which lay on its side on the floor,
all the while
having this full blown
discourse with the dog
about how she knows better
and she’s smarter than that,
and was she playing
or trying to get my attention

…ending with “if the Fadder
could hear me now
he’d figure
I was off my rocker
because he says all women
talk to their dogs
like they do kids
and that makes us all nuts
in his books….”

so....the phone rang in the living room
I jumped the gate
and answered it…
when I was done I went back into the kitchen,
opening the gate this time…
grabbed the can
snapped the lid back on
and put it back on the stool.

5 min later
I burnt the first set of eggs
I spoke about last night.

I decided to sit at my desk
and check my email…
and in doing so I hear
a little squeak…
but I can’t find the dog

I check the bedroom,
the bathroom,
the closet,
under the comforter on the couch…
even the yard…
no dog

I went back into the kitchen
to put on another set of eggs…
because I figured she was in her crate
and cowering
from the lecture she’d received
and I hear the squeak again.

You got it....
Pixie’s locked in the garbage can!

I flip open the top
and she’s very happy to see me
(what a picture that would have made)
however,
once I got her out of the garbage
she spent the rest of the evening
sitting between me and the tv
giving me the stink eye over her shoulder.

…and I burnt the eggs again

This dog
has a skull the size of a peach pit
and apparently
it holds more smarts than mine.

*sigh*

Briefly....

some time ago
I found myself
in the untenable
and very sad position
of being "un-friended"
on FB by 2 people
that I considered to be
very dear and close friends

I wrote about it here
go ahead...
read it...
I'll wait...

so last night one of my friends
who is also one
of that trouble maker's friends
that I referred to in the post
knee jerk reactions
and I had a conversation
on FB about a TV show

this morning
that very trouble maker
whom,
I might add
was the 2nd person
I'd legitimately
"un-friended, deleted, removed or blocked"
in 20 yrs
of being on line
stepped in
and posted a flame
designed to cause controversy
on my FB wall
he may think he's being funny
I don't know
I think what he really needs
is a little bleach in the gene pool

it occurs to me this evening
that while I told
the 2 friends
that originally assumed
the post about flamers
was about them
who the trouble maker was
I'd not told anyone else

so the very fact that a person
that I'd deleted
would come to my wall
and flame me
would suggest to me
that those 2 original friends
had been talking about me
instead of to me

I've spent most of my life
working at finding
and believing in
the best of people

for years and years
close friends have
suggested that I was too
easy &
accepting
of people online

I always thought
I was looking for the good
so I wouldn't cut them off

and so when those people told me
that someone was attempting
to build a fiefdom
at my expense
I denied it
refuted it
argued against it

now I pause briefly
to wonder

the operating word
being
briefly

didja ever...

just sit and watch
as yer life slowly
careens
outta control?

so
because one of my colleagues at work
announcing that she was pregnant
and leaving on Mat leave in June
and my eye surgery in June
we hired a new lady for the interim
and then because of the way the chips fell
over the summer
we didn't really get much down time
before our big ramp up
this fall

and then part of the ramp up
became a 10 mth contract
that caused us to hire a contract person
and while the growth is amazing
and exciting
there's now 2 new people in the office
that don't know where things are
or how we do stuff...

one hugely smart and detail oriented
one that can stuff envelopes like a machine

today one of them called me
"the keeper of the knowledge"
and told me "without you
we'd be screwed"

so I'm trying to get
all the summer work done
that didn't get done in the summer
still....

I have to run labels
for a 6000 calendar mail out
address and return
and of course
before you can run labels
you have to compile lists
to make the labels out of

I have to run content labels
for all our 270+ courses
I have to book the marquee for every course
a mth at a time
and of course
before you can run labels
you have to compile lists
to make the labels out of

I have to enter every course at least once
in the staff news letter
if not more than once

each one of these jobs require
inputting each item separately
in more than one place

and in the case of the labels
in requires some serious
finger action in addition
to the files or envelopes eh?

and the new calendar is so popular
that the phone is ringing off the hook
so there's never one job
that you get to do
from start to finish
without interruption

there's simply more paperwork to do
than hours in the day

and just to add insult to injury
I've just been picked
for jury duty
on a 10 day criminal trial
starting on the 27th

so I have to set up the rooms
for all courses
happening between now
and the middle of Nov
in advance
and because of some changes
being made to the rooms
I have to rearrange
all of the scheduled rooms
between now and the middle of Nov
before I go

yup....
all of this must be done
prior to my leaving for court
the morning of the 27th

I was in court for the jury picking
yesterday...so this is a 4 day week

this coming weekend is Thanksgiving
here in Canada
so next week
will also be a 4 day week

and today the boss announced
that I had to move my Dr's appt
on the 26th
cos she's hiring a temp
for me to train that day
to answer the phone while I'm gone!

at this rate
I'll be in the office nightly till midnight

and then comes our busy season

Gak!

I don't know whether to laugh
or cry....

Moving is hell...

even if you are only moving a blog

I've had my blog a long time
and the reason
I’m trying to move
is cos the changes that Blogger made
that cause the first couple of years
of my blog to disappear

so I decided to go to word press
and to have my own url
and like the other blogs to this one
using it as my home page

lord tundering
this has been a lesson in patience for me

first I have to find a theme
that’s “what it looks like”
I have a vision
sadly
none of the theme builders
have the same one
so
you get it as close as you can
and then you start
futzin with code

in the case of Word Press
it’s ccs code
which while close to html
ain’t
if ya get my drift

then you have to move over
or import your posts from blogger
very easy
they both have import and export tools

however
the new one doesn’t have some things
that the old one did
and vice versa

so I’m improvising

somehow in the import
I ended up with 2
sometimes 3 of each post
so I got the brilliant idea
of deleting them all
and re-importing
and I did
but it wouldn’t
re-import
so I had to go rescue the posts
by the page
from the trash
and in doing so
ended up with 3
sometimes 4
of the same posts

then there’s the whole font thing
I want to be able to change my font
from post to post
with the default being tempus sans itc

I want to change the size of the font
and the color

you can in blogger
you can’t in WP
and as a result when I imported the posts
the came in several different sizes and colors

and I've just discovered that there's no way
to manage the spacing in posts
in WP
and in order to get this post in here
I had to paste it into notepad...
sheesh

I wonder if it's my theme?
part of my theme problem
is the way I write
most WP themes cause
my syntax to change to paragraphs
and that's a pain in the ass...
cos it makes all my posts
one long freakin sentence

and then there’s the links
I have to move them manually
I’m of the slow n steady persuasion
but I’ll get it done…
I’m feeling better about the move all the time
but it’s slow work
and in the meantime
I’m running 2 copies of 3 of my blogs
and the fourth is only in WP

yup...moving is hell
no matter if it's physically
or virtually.

here's something

that I've learned
over the last couple of weeks
(stay tuned for a metaphor
looking for a place to happen LoL)

but srsly....
I've made my world too small.

yup,
you heard me...

I did it
and I accept
full responsibility for it

sometimes I simply
can't see the forest
for the trees....

I've put all my eggs in one basket
and therefore
it shouldn't have surprised me
that
when that basket fell
every single egg broke.

I'm moving on...

life is too short to allow hurt
deception and ignorance,
lack of fairness, and assumptions
to be my nexus

I've got
places to go
and
things to do

I'll see those I want to
and ignore the rest

so much so
that the time for feeling
uncomfortable or sad
about burnt bridges
is well past
I'm actually truly surprised
at how past it has become...

As long as I do
once simple thing
I'll be fine....

I just need to
keep in my mind
who burnt the bridges
in the first place

it wasn't me....
and
if it worries others
they only have
themselves to blame

nothing will change that.

I also need
to continue to
believe in the principles of
~Karma~

in that
what you put out
will come back upon you
three fold....

so...
in the immortal words
of the blister:
"and....have.a.nice.day."

Neil Young - A Man Needs A Maid

My life is changing
in so many ways
I don't know who
to trust anymore
There's a shadow running
thru my days
Like a beggar going
from door to door.

I was thinking that
maybe I'd get a maid
Find a place nearby
for her to stay.
Just someone
to keep my house clean,
Fix my meals and go away.

A maid. A man needs a maid.
A maid.

It's hard to make that change
When life and love
turns strange.
And old.

To give a love,
you gotta live a love.
To live a love,
you gotta be "part of"
When will I see you again?

A while ago somewhere
I don't know when
I was watching
a movie with a friend.
I fell in love with the actress.
She was playing a part
that I could understand.

A maid. A man needs a maid.
A maid.

When will I see you again?

Knee jerk reacctions....

…abound
or “the perils of communicating online”
(this is likely the blogpost you’ve all been waiting for ;0)

last week on Tues I had an in-depth discussion
on facebook with two friends
one of whom I considered one of my closest friends
the other a friend whom I’d had a falling out with a year ago
the convo was about a subject
very near and dear to me
rape…
and our need to make fun
of the things
that make us uncomfortable
so it was an impassioned conversation
at the end of which I went to bed
thinking that the 2nd friend and I
had experienced a breakthrough
and that I’d really been heard
and really that all was well

I woke up on Wed thinking
what a great thing it was
to be able to have a conversation
with friends
and to agree to disagree
and not have it affect the friendships
to feel safe and to be able to trust them

I went back to re-read the response of the wife
of one of the friends
whom I also considered one of my closest friends
to find a message
from someone whom I’ve possibly met 3 times

it offended me right out of the gate…
he even said in the post “at the risk of offending”

coming out of the warm fuzzy’s
to someone making fun of my heart-felt stance
was like a slap in the face
and considering this person
was mostly a friend of a friend
(and likely a good guy
but not my personal friend)
I experienced a knee jerk reaction

for the 2nd time
in all the time I’ve been on FB
I deleted a “friend”
and I wrote the blazing blog found here…

the blog – in my mind
was directed at the some 700+
friends of friends
that I have on FB

I naturally assumed
that my personal friends
would understand my response
because they love me
right?

I’d also felt hurt by the response
from the wife of one of the friends
I’d had the discussion with
thinking that as one of my closest friends
I would be able to tell her that I’d felt hurt
so I sent her an email
asking for understanding of what she’d said
and why

I went to work
I was busy
but got a chance
to have cursory looks
at FB
a couple of times over the morning
nothing significant

so you’ll imagine my shock & surprise & hurt
when I got home at the end of the day
to find that the closest friend
had blocked me completely

and the friend whom I’d felt
I’d had a breakthrough with
had deleted me
then I found out that they’d not only deleted me
but that they’d deleted another female friend
that had been part of that impassioned convo
on Tues night…

knee jerk reaction again
I sent off an email suggesting they felt guilty
if they felt the blog post
was about them

both of them told me in no uncertain terms
that they “knew it was”

since then I’ve said repeatedly
that it’s not
but I can’t force them to believe me

one of the friends
in a response to my guilt email
suggested a couple of things
1. that I stop blogging
2. that I should have known they’d figure it was about them and that I should have told them right outta the gate that it wasn’t
3. that their deleting me had nothing to do with the convo on Tuesday but was more about my blog post
4. and that my threatening them was the cause of them dropping me

so I asked
if you were mad at me
why did you delete/block her?

a week’s gone by
the friend that originally blocked me
has unblocked me but is still not FB friends with me
there has been no communication
he likely feels that the ball is in my court
but what do you say to “I don’t want to be your friend?”

the friend I’d thought I’d had a breakthrough with
has now blocked me

I’ve heard nothing from the wives of either of them
save their posts on their own FB
which in my own knee jerk manner
leads me to believe that I’m on their hit lists too

my friend who got blocked because of me
has been hurt by this
through no fault of her own
I’ve apologized through the teeth
but in the end
can not change what’s happened

I’m no longer hurt
I’m no longer sad
I feel bad that there was a misunderstanding of this caliber
and that my 3rd friend got caught in the cross fire
but
I'm resigned....

I’m just kinda resolved…
to not worry about it
cos I can’t effect change on them
obviously they consider me a pariah
and can only conclude that
they would rather talk to others (or each other)about me
than talk to me
to attempt to resolve the issue

I know why I wrote the post
that they were offended by
I feel like had they truly been my friends
they would not have reacted
in a knee jerk manner
and deleted me
they’d have asked
like I asked the wife of one of them
and when I told them what was up
(and seriously I know you guys are talking
so what I sent to one is common knowledge now)

I’m sorry they took it the wrong way
but I ain’t gonna beg
they’ve made their knee-jerk decisions
albeit on erroneous information
and I am being vilified
by them as a result

I’m reminded of a quote the VOD’s mom used to utter
“don’t stir the hornet’s nest
if ya don’t wanna get stung”

I guess I inadvertently
stirred the hornet’s nest
and I can’t go back and un-stir it.
although this blog post may stir it more
I'm not stopping the bloggin
and telling my truth

and at this stage
I have really begun to wonder
if they weren’t just looking for an excuse.

The Road to Hell....

...by Chris Rea



Stood still on a highway
I saw a woman
By the side of the road
With a face that I knew like my own
Reflected in my window
Well she walked up to my quarterlight
And she bent down real slow
A fearful pressure paralysed me
In my shadow

She said "Son, what are you doing here?
My fear for you has turned me in my grave"
I said "Mama, I come to the valley of the rich
Myself to sell"
She said "Son, this is the road to Hell"

On your journey 'cross the wilderness
From the desert to the well
You have strayed upon the motorway to Hell

Well I'm standing by a river
But the water doesn't flow
It boils with every poison you can think of
And I'm underneath the streetlights
But the light of joy I know
Scared beyond belief way down in the shadows
And the perverted fear of violence
Chokes a smile on every face
And common sense is ringing out the bells
This ain't no technological breakdown
Oh no, this is the road to Hell

And all the roads jam up with credit
And there's nothing you can do
It's all just bits of paper
Flying away from you
Look out world take a good look
What comes down here
You must learn this lesson fast
And learn it well
This ain't no upwardly mobile freeway
Oh no, this is the road to Hell

the strangest thing

has happened

I got called for jury duty
on a criminal trial

what does one wear
to jury selection interview

someone suggested I should
paint something tribal on my head
wear a wife beater to show my tat's
and torn jeans

I'm thinkin work clothes will do

I'm slightly apprehensive
and slightly excited...

what if I put my foot in my mouth
it's a big foot and a bigger mouth
what if I embarrass myself?
what if they like me?

and want me to be on the jury?

veddy interesting....

Once Again Into the Breach!

I keep having to remind myself of this...
but eventually even I can be smart enough
to get it right...LoL

choices

maybe if I hit this drum
hard enough
or
often enough
or even long enough
even I'll get it right

Now Hear This!

Starting today and going forward immediately…all flamers will be shot with a ball of their own shit…no ands if’s or butts

if you are ignorant for the sake of being ignorant – gone

if you make blanket mean statements in a feeble attempt to chuck shit at those less fortunate than you perceive yourself to be – gone

if you can’t be bothered to have an intelligent or kind or meaningful discussion and at least listen to the feelings of the people you are belittling – gone

if you get your jollies outta hurting people’s feelings – gone

if you think being ignorant is a lifestyle or funny – gone

if you use words like “retard” to describe someone less fortunate than you – gone.

if you shock me with your meanness or ignorance....and are an unapologetic asshole – yer on your own.

People have been telling me for years to weed this shit out – and I keep trying to be fair…and give people chances…I keep hurting myself by stating my case and believing people to be honorable enough to at least have a discussion on a subject....and then having other people shit on my opinions…

I’m officially all outta fair, I’m finally all outta patience and I’m right up to here with being treated derisively or dismissively or meanly…I give up.

I’m done….if you fit into any of this criteria…you will no longer be a friend, associate or comrade…you will be dead to me.

that should at least make some of you happy.

where's your passion?

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee! ~ Polonius

what are you passionate about?
do you write?
do you sing?
do you draw or paint?

or do you sit on your dreams
and bite your tongue
to follow the party line?

are you a sad little excuse
for a human being?

or are you in the trenches
fighting your good fight?

are you living an authentic life?
are you kind, thoughtful
and not unnecessarily mean?

or are you so busy
bending, folding spindling and mutilating
your morals and integrity
to meet the needs of others
that you can't even see
what a shadow of a person you are?

can you truly say you are happy?
or are you just mouthing the words
someone else put in there for you?
while your soul is crushed
and your very thoughts
are no longer your own?

is your appetite for enthusiasm
dampened by
the biding of your time
the base existence
that you are living?

are you evolving as a human being
or are you still swimming
in the redneck excrement
of the people you played with
as a child?

where's your passion?
who is living your life?

what are you waiting for?

let's talk

shall we?

subject at hand
is the people
that use common courtesy
as an excuse
or cover up
for rudeness

seriously
if one more person
gives me lip and attitude
and thinks that by saying
please
or
thank you
they've excused their
less than stellar behaviour

I'm just liable
to burst a vein
in my forehead

wtf is wrong with people
how hard is it?

too hard apparently.

yer mother would
be ashamed of you
and I don't suffer fools
asshats or fucktards
willingly
consider
yourself
warned.

we can't go back

often times
I find myself
wishing things could be
the way the used to be

the what if's
will drive me mad

what if Mike hadn't died?
what if I'd have gone to law school?
what if I'd not become an addict?
what if I'd not given the baby up for adoption?
what if the arm wrestler wasn't a narcissist?
what if the Indian wanted a more normal life?
what if the East Coast boy wasn't a thief and a junkie?
what if I'd not lost everything?
what if I'd not moved here?

what if?

this I know
each of these lessons
I had to learn
to bring me to
the person I have become

each of these lessons
were specifically designed
to teach me what I needed to know
to be me

you can't go back
there's simply no possibility

we can only go forward
"once more into the breach"

we can't go back...

somewhere along the line...

somewhere along the line
I think I stopped being a girl
or a woman

and just became me

I stopped wearing makeup
when my eyelids started to sag
like (unfortunately for me)
both my parents

not to mention the
Zippy the Clown incident
of 2004

I stopped wearing dresses
pretty much
when I stopped wearing
pantyhose
and no longer worked
for a multinational

I stopped worrying
about the way I looked
when I started shaving my head
all those years ago

seems that I stopped
anything that remotely resembled
a beauty regime then too

I stopped changing my earrings daily
I stopped painting my nails
I stopped wearing most of my jewelry
I wear jeans and boots
sneakers and men's shirts

I stopped getting my hair done
when I realized that my alopecia
was such that I no longer had to
shave my legs...I actually rejoiced

I stopped caring
about the fact that
I can see my waist
sticking out past my chest
when it became obvious to me
that my diet around
having Crohn's Disease
was gonna make it stick out
way past my chest...
and at that time
I made a conscious choice
to get better from the Crohn's
even if it cost me
my health in other areas...
I'd work on those when I needed to
and I am...

and
somewhere along the line
I found me..

I shaved my head
had a hysterectomy
which negated
anything that resembled
a sex drive
and set about on my new life...
single and new

but I lost part of me too
and
sometimes
I miss those parts

I'm still attracted to
pretty things
but don't buy them anymore
so I guess
somewhere along the line
I stopped
being a girl....

but I still can spend hours
perusing websites
of the kind of girlie things
I used to buy
beautiful charm bracelets
corsets and skirts
uplift bras and off shoulder blouses
high heeled shoes and boy cut knickers

so maybe there still is
a girl in there somewhere...
but she's 55 now
and thinks that maybe
she needs to be less frivolous
and more real...

Tracy Chapman - the Promise...

If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

oh my!

I've been outted!

one of my cousins found this blog
and told the whole family

so...
Hi!

and....I feel I must say...
this is an "enter at your own risk" area

I do all my ranting
and raving in here...

this is where I vent...

when I'm upset
this is where I go

to let off steam
and to call things/people/issues names

this is likely the reason
I seem more sane these days

I also do a whoooole lot of thinkin
in here....
so
...enter at your own risk!

dreams do come true...

I may have mentioned it many times before...

I was raised mostly in NW ON by a father (aka the fadder)
that was an Ontario Provincial Police Officer
much of who and what he is and where he came from
was a focal point in my life for many years

our lives (and holidays) revolved around
trips to Toronto
to allow my father to re-connect
with his mother, and his rather large family

I grew up knowing intimately
all my aunts, uncles and cousins on my father's side of the family
and not so much the family of the VOD (my mother)
who lived in Saskatchewan or British Columbia

Visiting my Grammo (aka grandmother Brown)
was like stepping into a story book
for a child with a romantic nature
like me

see...
when my father came on the police force in the 195o's
he made $2000.00 a year
and as his father owned a large funeral directing firm
that he'd started from scratch
and nursed into a large, respectable, moneymaking concern
the family had some monetary value
not huge wealth by today's standards
but they didn't go without
that's for sure

there was real butter on the table
not that white margarine you had to burst
the colour button and squeeze thru to colour
there was real fruit juice
not crystals
there was real roast beef for sandwiches
not chubs of baloney
and at Grammo's house even the kids
got real jam and fresh veggies
spare no expense at Grammo's house!

so because Grammo would tuck a buck er two
into an envelope when I was quite little
and we lived in Perth ON
there was an obligation to travel towards them
when holidays were due...
an obligation that may have become habit
but stood some of us in good stead
for developing kin ships with extended family

Grammo lived in (what at the time seemed to me to be)
a huge house on Lakeside Ave in Scarborough
and old neighbourhood, even then
with large oak trees
off the Scarborough bluffs
when I was quite young there were
houses between Grammo's and the bluffs
but over the years those were moved
or moved themselves
down the bluffs
as the bluffs eroded....

Grammo had more money than we did
and when she first met my grandfather
not wanting to embarrass this "gent" in public
took lady lessons.
as a result
there were always Irish linens
table cloths, napkins etc

(I believe I've also mentioned previously
that I spent my formative years
in Grammo's basement
ironing said linens...cos that's what
"young ladies" did for punishment)

Grammo had 2 kinds of china patterns
one pattern was a Royal Doulton pattern
called Ainsley Durham Moore
lovely white with a burgundy ribbon
around the edge
and trimmed out in gold leaf
used only on special dinner days
IE Christmas, birthdays etc

Grammo's everyday pattern
was a Simpson's pattern
from before Simpson's and Sears became one
a 50's pattern called Belle Fiore













and there was tons of it
every kind of dish, platter and plate
saucer and pitcher, teapots of all shapes and sizes
one could possibly imagine
and there were even
little double ended gizmo's called egg cups

imagine...cups designed just for holding eggs!

in our extended family
over the years
we developed a routine
of the "elders" moving from the dining room
to the living room for "afters" and coffee
whilst the elder of the grandchildren
did the dishes

When we used the regular stuff
we just piled it all in the dishwasher
usually more than 3 loads
due to the amount of people
and extra stuff in a place setting
but we were indulged to a degree
and plenty of times
members of the adult portion
of our family
would use the Belle Fiore
as discs for target practice
over the bluffs

Grammo always smiled
and ordered more plates from Simpsons

it was a heady time in my life
and over time I've come to realize
both the financial commitment
and emotional value of my Grammo's
smiles over us turfing her china
over the bluffs....

fast forward years later
(12 yrs this past April to be exact)
I moved to BC..

the reason's were myriad
I was sick enough at the time
that I didn't think that I'd live
to see the first full year on the Island
but I moved
and started working at getting well
and being more "normal"

less dramatic, romantic,
less hiding, more living...
no drugs, no drinking, no fistfights
no dealing, no bars, no more full on crazy.

eventually I decided to
mark important moments
in my life
with a piece of Belle Fiore china
in honour of my Grammo
and all that she represented
in making me the adult
I strive to be.

Belle Fiore can now only be found
at replacement shops and china shops
around the world
mostly from the UK
but as there was a huge migration
of Brits to the Island
there's been a bit here and there
over the last 12 years.

so over the years that I’ve been here
I’ve not become a regular antique crawler
just for special occasions
cos that’s all I can afford…
and they are getting harder and harder to find…

One year for Christmas
my cousins Colin and Roberta
gave me a tea cup and saucer
I’ve a couple of medium sized milk pitchers
I bought one when I got my job at the U
and one when the nefew graduated
my aunt Mal
(short for Marigold - which is a kind of indication
of the era I'm talking about)
and her son Colin and his wife Roberta
got me a cream and sugar set on a wee tray
last year for Christmas
and in June I bought a coffee cup and saucer
when the Princess graduated..

It’s luck of the draw
and not like I get to choose what I buy
but mostly
if I find it and can afford it at the time I buy it

when the Princess graduated
I stopped at 2 or 3 different places
and then found the coffee cup and saucer
at a place quite by accident....
the manager was just telling me
that a couple had been in the day before
and “cleaned them out”
when a seller walked in
with a box of stuff
and the cup and saucer were right there!

Kinda like providence if ya ask me…

anyway...I tell you all this
so that I can tell you that a few weeks ago
I mentioned my passion for Belle Fiore
in an email to the whole family
which of course
started a round of "remember when's"
which prompted my Aunt to forward
to the family
a real estate listing
for the Lakeside Ave house
(for $2.1 mil no less)

the listing included pictures
and while the outside sort of looks the same
gone is the interior of my memories
replaced by wood painted white
and the grand interiors
of luxury homes in the 2000's

however, since seeing the changes
wrought in those pictures of Lakeside Ave
I’ve been dreaming of the past a lot
a lot more than I have in a long long time….

I’ve had this recurring dream
since just before my birthday
about Grammo sitting in “Father’s chair”
in the kitchen…with a bunch of us….
me, the bother, the blister, and 2 cousins
and we were all very young…
the blister was about 4 or 5 methinks…
there was a general milling about of adults
at the other end of this huge kitchen…
there was brown toast
and real butter and crumpets,
jam in pots and juice and milk…
such luxury…

The part of the dream
that has been so vivid to me
was my intently watching Grammo
with her egg in an egg cup
and her strips of toast for dunking,
and the tinkling of her family bracelet
(that she rarely wore at breaky really…
remind me to tell you of that bracelet another time)

….the focus for me was the egg cup
– it was, at that age,
completely fascinating to me
that there was actually
a dish
specifically for holding soft boiled eggs
and nothing else…
and it matched all the other dishes in the kitchen…

And Grammo’s act of tapping
around the top of the egg
with her butter knife
to take just the top of the egg off
to allow for dipping
strips of toast
was methodical and musical
and when watching
I’d often hold my breath
to see if it actually worked…

I was always amazed
that only the top broke
and not the whole thing…
wasn’t that just the height of classy?

I was mesmerized.

(jeez I do drag out telling a story eh?)

As I said earlier….
I’ve been dreaming about said egg cup
on a regular basis since before my b'day
(which I might have mentioned
was more than a great day for me this year)

Anyway….

You will now imagine my surprise/shock/tears
when I went to my mailbox today
(something I’ve been forgetting
to do daily since the VOD moved away)
and discovered a box…
a smallish box with the return address of my aunt Marigold
in handwriting that looks suspiciously
(and more than anyone else in the family…)
like Grammo's

I rushed back to my kitchen
to open the box
(no small feat considering
the amount and caliber of tape…
but hey!....it was precious cargo)

inside I found a wee card
in that same handwriting...
a little red calico mouse
that Marigold says she got
in Salsburg Austria last year...
safely nestled
in a beautiful Belle Fiore egg cup!



















…just like in my dreams!

that I'd not mentioned to anyone
even when I told the family
about my Belle Fiore jones...

Marigold says that she was at
the big downtown Toronto Market
and there it was
meant for me

so yes...contrary to what many other say
I do believe....
dreams do come true.