Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Samhain Blessings

Samhain night with its ancient lore
was occasion for new and merry custom;
it was learned in the wilderness
in oak-woods, from spirits and fairies.
-The Metrical Dindshenchas

Saturday, October 27, 2007

a shove

sometimes in our day to day
we get so caught up
in our miniscule little worlds
that we forget about the big picture

sometimes we all need a little shove
to remember

I found this on my friend Ed's blog today

and it was just the shove I needed
to get me back to the right view...

Friday, October 26, 2007

July Black

Seven Day Fool

me like this....
me no like the way posting
a You Tube link
messes with my layout
so
click on the damn link!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Full Hunter's Moon - October



With the leaves falling and the deer fattened, it is time to hunt. Since the fields have been reaped, hunters can easily see fox and the animals which have come out to glean.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Trust

sometimes I wonder
where I'd be in my life
by now
if I'd have just learned
to trust

when I was a kid
and all the "bad shit"
went on
I stopped trusting
the people that I should have
been able to trust
the most

as a young adult
I didn't trust
that they'd keep me safe
cos they hadn't when I was a child

so I set about
developing the defense mechanisms
that I needed
to participate in my life

I built walls
to keep me safe
walls to live behind
walls to protect me
from the outside world
and possibly walls
to protect the outside
world
from
me....

I worked and worked
and built walls so strong
that here I am
more than 50 years old
and
many
of those walls
are still intact

as a young woman
I didn't trust enough
to believe people
when they told me I was smart
or pretty
or any of the many things
young girls hear from adults

I set about building a wall
of intent and purpose
to keep those people
from finding out
who the real me was

I built walls of anger
and walls of hatred
and walls of violence
and walls of fear
and packed them all up
in a package
that grew and grew
as I did over the years....

there was a time
when
someone truly
broke down a many
of my walls

he worked hard at it
and he taught me to trust
as I had never trusted before....

sometimes I think
maybe I trusted him too much
cos when he died
a big old chunk of
who I'd become
died too
and I lost trust again

and so I set about
reinforcing those walls
and in turn
set about living my life
again...
as carefree
and unrestricted
as humanly possible

in those days
in my life
carefree and unrestricted
meant precocious, promiscuous
(sometimes not by choice)
and high
leave us not forget very very high...
some times so high
that I'd thought I'd die

but
maybe that
was the point?

in the process
of proving that I needed no one
I almost killed myself
by putting myself in the position
to have to consciously chose
life over death
many times
(although sometimes
Dr's made the choices for me)

all of this because
I didn't trust myself
enough
to realize that what I was doing
was defensive
as opposed to offensive

over the years of my life
I've trusted enough to be involved
in 3 relationships
that lasted more than 10 years each
but never trusted myself enough
to truly be myself
in any of them

I've spent most of my life
living behind walls
and now
that some of the walls
have come down
I have time to wonder
what my life would be like
if I'd just learned
to trust...

even now
there's a nagging
voice
in my head
that says
"I know I'd be a better person
if I'd just trust more"
but
I know better

I'm
a
tuff
sell.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Barney lives!


I went up to the hospital
to see my pal Barney
who was in an head on collision
with a truck at 85 KPH
the EMS crew and the Dr's
are convinced he wouldn't have lived
had he not been wearing his seatbelt
as it stands
he has a shattered heel
and ankle
so he may never be able to
drive for a living again....
thereby loosing his livlihood
he is a little dazed and confused
and bored already
he has to undergo more surgery
and he doesn't like that idea much
but he is alive
and that's what counts!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I am not in a good mood

the weather and my mood
seem well matched
at the moment

the little prick that hit my trike
is not returning my calls
so I've a call in to the cop

that did the accident report

and I'm formulating a letter to his boss
after all...he was driving the company truck
pissed as a billy goat

but there's not much chance
I can afford the repairs

did I tell you
that he also broke down
the chain link fence
betwixt us
and the park that night
and
uprooted a tree....
all in the same move
that hit my trike....?

the boss...."Hysteria"
has informed me
that I am not the person needed
to fill the job
that has come available in our office
she tells me
that she's a Meyer's Briggs facilitator
so she knows personalities
and she's sure
I'm not the person for the job

I said that I'm pretty sure
that her issue is that she won't get
someone to do all the work
I'm doing
for the same wage
that she'd have to actually resource
my current job with 2 people

she says
that she's going to make the new
person do all the weekend work
and the budget....
but I know she's just saying that
and when the new person gets hired
that'll change

it would offer me a raise
of $4000.00 a year
however
it would also mean

that I take on a lot more of
Hysteria's responsibilities...
and while I don't mind
that type of work
I think that if I'm gonna do her work
I'll oughta get paid her wage

I'm so bloody overworked right now
it ain't even haha
I can't even catch up to myself....

for the next 6 weeks my work life
is gonna involve 12 hr days
and weekend work too

and she has the nerve
to take off to Mexico for 2 weeks
smack dab in the middle of it
cos
her friend is getting married

"so what?...yer business should go down
the tube while yer gone...cos I'll be there by
myself....doing 3 people's jobs"

and while I'm on the subject
how fair is it to expect me to train
the new person?
cos she's gonna be away!

the new person that's gonna be
one step up the
food chain from me!

I think I feels
some poor health
coming on

then there's the parties...
seems that I've been
invited to 2
do I go
and keep my mouth shut?
or do I go
and call a spade a lying sack of shit?
seems better
to just stay home....
and stay outta trouble
for a change

also

and then
there's the fadder
who sends me an email
entitled "Daddy's Dick"

seems that he's got skin cancer
in his foreskin
so he has to have a circumcision
he's waiting for a date


( I tell ya that I was hard pressed
to keep from mentioning
that maybe his dick
wouldn't be rotting off
if he hadn't have
stuck it in soooo
many places
while he was married
to my mom
but I persevered
and didn't)


I call a week later
and ask if he's got a surgery date
he says "ya"
I say "when"
he says " tomorrow"
huh? what?

so yesterday at 78 yrs of age
the fadder got circumcised....

at least this time
he took the pain pills!

the VOD is home
got home yesterday afternoon
got smashed last night
feels like shit today

see?

the more things change
the more they remain the same!

so to get back to the subject I began with
I am in a piss poor mood

I suggested to a friend that maybe
I should buy an S.A.D. light
she suggested that I don't need one
that I don't have S.A.D...I'm just a bitch!

some friend....eh?

to hell with mercury I say
to hell with being in retrograde again
I'm gonna have a nap!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Mercury is in Retrograde.....again....


I've just been reminded
that Mercury
is once again
in retrograde
(and will be until Nov 19)
batten down the hatches
light them red candles
and get yer
Ohhhhmmmm
on
kiddies
it could get to be
a rough ride!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

again with the perspective....

earlier today I sent the following email to a friend

"I'm sore again this weekend
apparently whatever it is that I've got
is some sort of muthafuckin weekend virus
ugh!

sometimes I just get so tired of hurting
or being sick
and I worry and I stew about it
till I make myself feel worse

but eventually
I got to sleep
and wake up
thinking...that it could be worse
I could not wake up

but wouldn't it be wonderful
to wake up one morning
without pain?

*sigh*"


I was wallowing in self pitty
my muscles ache as do my joints....
I just feel awful - but it doesn't seem to bother me
on weekdays...

weird eh?

(so here's were we get to the part about the persepective...)
about an hour ago I was coming out of my bedroom
and as I hurried around the corner to my living room
I caught my baby toe on my left foot
on the corner of the wall
and tore the whole toenail off

suddenly
the rest of me don't hurt so much

gak!

Friday, October 12, 2007

Confounded





sometimes people
confuse and confound me
my case in point
revolves around
the practice of blogging
if you blog
you are writing your thoughts
your feelings
your views
in public
public being the key here folks
maybe it's even your diary
but it's public
that's what a blog is...
so why freak out
when people read it?
and why freak out
if they disagree?
there's 2 blogging issues
that confound me
I don't get anonymous comments
and I don't get people locking their blogs
after a long time of writing
what's up with that?
in my opinion
people who post comments
"their opinions on your opinions"
and don't have the guts to put a name to it
are just that
gutless...
and usually
being mean....
or childish
but either way...
they should step up
my response to people reading my blog
has always been...be careful
cos if you move me
to the positive
or to the negative
you might read it here
I'mma talk about it here...
so you'll read it here...
and if you have a comment
feel free...
besides...posting a comment to a blog post
is blogging too!
as to locking your blog
after sometimes years of developing
a readership?
what would possess you
to stop your readership from
having access to your blog?
specifically after having taken the time
to develop a readership
in the first place?
what could you be blogging about
save criminal activity
that would stop you from sharing
alla sudden?
so if you are blogging or commenting
that's public
cos if it ain't blogging
it's a diary
any ya hide that shit under yer pillow
not on the internet
capish?

Thursday, October 11, 2007

curiouser and curiouser

Upon my return to work this week
my colleague...
the person that does the job
between
me and the boss
announces that she has been
offered another job within the co
and that it will be
a substantial raise and promotion

The boss...reeling over the loss of her friend
the Dr on Monday
goes into a tail spin
and panics
about who she is going to get to put
into that job

I'm thinking..."hello? have you read my resume?"

so as usual
she heads off on a tangent
to make arrangements around
the time line for my colleagues new job
without of course asking the colleague
(I can't wait to hear that conversation!)

then she proceeds to tell me all about
how the person that "she" chooses will have
to be a quiet academic

she's unofficially meeting
and coffee-ing with people
to size them up for the position
(this from the woman who spends
all her time talking about transparent processes)

I started out keeping my mouth shut
then finally yesterday
at the end of the day
she broaches the subject with me
by stating:
"well it's perfectly obvious that
the position is not one for you"

I says "not necessarily so...I haven't read the
job profile yet"

she goes off on this 40 min rant
all about how that's not the job for me
because it's so obvious that it's a job for an
"academic"

I let her hang herself
and then I said..."do not mistakenly rely
upon the fact that my dream is to spend
the rest of my life
sitting at this desk...doing 10 times the work
that you 2 do for less than one third the wage"

she was gobsmacked...

then went off again about this being the perfect
job for my personality type
and how she's "a Meyers Briggs facilitator"
so she knows it's the perfect job for me
cos she "knows me"

"Ya well....not so much
cos I am motivated to move beyond this job
both monetarily and psychologically
and frankly
the only reason that I can think of that
you don't want me to apply for the coordinator's job
is that you are terrified you won't find someone
as good as me....stupid enough to work for this wage."

She got airborne.

she told me that she was a good boss
and that she always "listened to me"
that she always knew what I was saying
"because I wear my heart on my sleeve"
just like her...


I told her that I may well wear my heart on my sleeve
but that the major difference
between her and I is that I listen with my ears
not my lips...

she didn't like that much
but at least she knows where I stand now

I'll likely apply for the job
but I don't stand a hope of getting it
but she is definitely "on notice"
that while I like my job and enjoy what I do
I don't have dreams or aspirations
of retiring here.....

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Dr. Paz Buttedahl


Our friend
Dr. Paz Buttedahl
passed away
Monday, October 8, 2007
at 4:00PM PST
peacefully
in dignity
surrounded
by her beloved
family
friends
and
colleagues
R.I.P.
Paz
the world is truly a darker place

Monday, October 08, 2007

The Truth

There comes a time
in almost every woman's life
whereby she realizes
that she has been defining herself
by the relationships
that she has been involved in.


For the smart ones...it happens early,
and they make adjustments in their thinking patterns
to right this misconception.


The slower ones take their time…
for some the time it takes to get right up
until they are standing at the pearly gates...
to understand
that they are in fact
more
than the sum total of all those whom they have been
involved with.


This being said,
I am no exception.
I still do define myself by my relationships.


The good news is that I understand
that I am,
and have made,
a conscious decision to do so,
to be able to handle the time and space continuum in my head....

and by way of explanation
for the journey...

the how...
I've ended up
where I am.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Dreamin.....

I spent some time talking to a friend via email today
we were talking about fulfilling our dreams

and it made me remember what my dream was
when I moved out here (arrived April 6 1998)

I had this fantasy about having a house
on property in the forest
with lots of cedar trees….

(they only come as hedges where I’m from)

the house would be an older character house
with lots of crown molding
and it would have a wood burning fireplace
there would be a large veranda
for the wooden rocking chairs
and maybe even an oak tree

floors that creak
and the 2nd floor would be a loft style
master bedroom...

there would be plenty of windows
to display the blue glass I own
and I could take up collecting
cookie tins for all the baking I’d get back to doing

there’d be reading by the fire
and the sound of rain on the red tin roof

it'd be at the end of a road
with no traffic
few neighbours

peace

and while I’m on the subject of this
fantasy life I’m dreamin about
I’d also have an income that would allow
me to pull up stakes and travel once in a while….
all I’m really looking for is once er twice a year….

then reality steps in
and you realize that you must make a living
and what I do involves working in a metropolitan area
(I mean…how can one manage an office from home?)
not to mention the whole VOD thing
it’s not like I can just up and leave
and it’s not like I’m ever gonna get outta here
as long as I am paying the lion’s share of her rent

But it don’t hurt to continue to dream…..

the dreaded bohunka....


let me begin by confirming
that there is nothing as gratifying
as cold ginger ale
when yer in bed sick

course us single people
hafta get outta bed
and get dressed
and walk to the store
to get our own
ginger ale
when we're sick

*sigh*

I wish I knew what this is
seems to be the third weekend end a row
starts with achy skin and joints
just like when I get the flu
only the flu and or cold
never arrives

I've been sleeping like 12 hours a day
I hurt like I'm getting the flu
I can't concentrate
so I can't read

I've spent hours
flipping thru tv channels
but I haven't watched anything

I have a half dozen library books to read
but haven't made it past the 1st chapter
in any of them

I'm of the can't walk
and chew gum persuasion
anytime I try to do 2 things at once
I get nauseous

this sux

if I'm gonna have the dreaded bohonka
BRING IT

so I can get it over with!

Friday, October 05, 2007

People get my goat

ok
so I'm not feeling exactly wonderful this morning

but I come into work anyway
thinking that I'll just sit
in my corner
be quiet
and people will leave me alone....

start out with going into the cafeteria
lookin for java

I spot a woman
of my age....dressed like she thinks she's 16
acting like an expectant
4 yr old
cos our cafeteria doesn't carry
her exact brand
of sugary tooty fruity cereal

I mean
this woman is stomping her feet
and causing a scene

so I get my coffee and head to my office
"keep yer mouth shut"
I says to me self....

due to the fact that I'm an early bird
I am one of the few offices with lights on
this early in the morning

low and behold the same woman comes to my door
to demand that we open up the reception counter
so she can "purchase some photocopying"

I explain that that department
is at the other end of the hallway
and opens at 8:30

to which she starts stamping her feet
and acting like a 4 year old again

I am hard pressed to keep from getting up
and closing the office door in her face

"keep yer mouth shut"
I says to me self....


I notice that the "message light" is on
on my phone
so I check for voicemail

and I am bombarded
by this scathing reproach
from a woman
who purchased a course from us
that is to take place tomorrow

the course title includes the word "walk"
done so to allow people
who may not be able to do so
to understand that the course
does entail physical activity...

she's all pissed off cos she can't walk
like that's my fault
and I should have told her it entailed walking
although the course description
both in our book and on line
use the word walk extensively

so now she and her husband
want their money back

I'm like "yah.......NO"
and then....
"keep yer mouth shut"
I says to me self....


I then head to my forums
to read the latest happenings
of my friends far and wide

to find that things are changing
and taking the party line
I'm not in the least bit surprised
I've watched the back stabbing and mud slingin
up close and personal for a while
I am however surprised at the stated allusions
that we didn't do our job properly
and now it will get done right....
the inference being
that the right person is now in charge
uhhhmmm..."fuck that" I think....

"keep yer mouth shut"
I says to me self....


but still.....I'm sad for the people left behind
that it should come to this....

"keep yer mouth shut"
I says to me self....


so....
I think I may go home sick
and spend the day
laying on the couch
reading some fantasy novel
and paying no attention at all
to the people
that get my goat
in the fervent hopes
that the day will come
when they and their opinions
no longer matter.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Less than Stellar

today
turned into a somewhat
less than stellar day....

have I mentioned that the boss
in a moment of abject stupidity
gave my colleague the week off?
that'd be the week that we "go live"
as they say in my business.....

so I didn't have time to wipe my ass properly
all freakin day long

I got off a 4:30
went shopping

it will come as no surprise to ya'll
that I'm the large economy size
so I shop at the large economy sized ladies stores
er
rather
I used to shop at the large economy sized ladies stores...

one store (that is notorious for "old lady fashion")
now believes that all plus sized women
are 5 ft tall
while almost everything in the store will go around me
nothing comes past my gawd damned knees

another store
has my size and the petite are 3 inches too short
and the tall are 6 inches too long
and they don't carry anything in between

the third store...
the one that I have been shopping at for 4 years
no longer carries the style that I'd like in the right size
they carry regular sizes in that style
but no large economy sizes

and just to add insult to injury
almost all of the stores have decided
that jeans shouldn't come with back pockets
and my waistline is somewhere near my pubic bone

WTF?

so I decide to throw in the towel
and go out for supper
I head to one restaurant
drive around the parking lot...
no spots to park
so I head to another
no spots to park that are big enough
for me to get the gawd damn tank
I'm driving this week
in
I head to another restaurant....
find a parking spot
go inside and not one damn table
and the line up is right to the door

I think I'm gonna have
ramen noodles and vodka for supper!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Slap your Co-Worker Day is Here !!

Today is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't care about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day

the truck

So
The bother comes to town yesterday to pick up the VOD for 2 weeks
He’s going hunting…she’s going to stay with the boy and the girl
Although why a 16 and 17 yr old would need the grammo to stay is beyond me

But the VOD wants her car while she’s up there
Cos the bother is driving a 2007 Toyota Tacoma truck
Which results in me driving the truck for the next 2 weeks

I gotta say
I’ve no idea why someone would spend that much money on
A vehicle that rides like a tank
The front seat is tiny…
The leg room is negligible
And I feel like
The princess and the pea driving it

Course by the end of the 2nd week
I should be rather depressed to go back
To a 17 yr old VODmobile…


It has a V8 in it
so it should cost me a month's rent
for gas for the next 2 weeks....

sheesh!