Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On the way to a new year

every year at this time
humanity in general
set firm resolutions
for the betterment of their lives

I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna get a new job
I'm gonna find a new home
I'm gonna take the dog for a walk
I'm gonna pray daily
I'm gonna get smarter...get better...get more

it's hard not to have your resolutions
revolve around the constant inundation
of advertisements

buy Montel Williams' Health Master blender and all will be right in your world
buy "Slim in 6" and all will be right in your world
buy a wee digital camera and all will be right in your world
buy an oven, a fryer, an ab cruncher, a kindle, an iPhone, stainless appliances, an air cleaner, a vacuum, a hair accessory, a dvd, a cook book, a how to book, a car...
.....and all will be right in your world


me?
I'm thinkin about the fact
that I am but a work in progress
and I'm hoping that instead of resolving
to better better, brighter, smarter, righter...

I'll just continue to progress in a manner
that allows me to look at myself
in the mirror in the morning...

that'll be good enough for me.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


Let there be Peace♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Let it begin with me♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Let there be Peace ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Let it begin with me ♥ ♥ ♥ Let there be Peace ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Let it Begin with me♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...Let there be Peace♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...
PEACE!



Tuesday, December 22, 2009

....may holler...

so I had to go back to my GP's office today
cos we'd miscalculated about my meds lasting
until mid Jan
after my next set of blood work
so I had to go in for scripts

I'd not actually seen him
since the fiasco at the Diabetes Clinic
where I was supposed to see a dietitian
and get a glucose meter
and the twit running the thing
treated me like an infant
and then yelled at me in front of a bunch o people

"am I boring you?" she yells

cos I had my eyes closed
those'd be the eyes that have a disease
and react poorly to strong/bright light
over an extended period of time...

"I have an eye disease" I say to her

and she starts harrumphing
and goes on to tell me
that I'm not really a diabetic

"my Dr says I am" I says

"well yer not" she says...

things went straight downhill from there...
when I came out of the diabetes clinic
I called my GP
as I was somewhat less than impressed
*ahem*

so the GP is away on holidays
and the locum is one I've met before
very nice
quiet little fellow
wouldn't say shit
if he had a mouthful

he comes in the door
and places my file on the desk
he opens the top cover of the file
reads, nods and takes a really big breath
and then looks at me
all t
repidacious

"what can I do for you today?"
he asks

"I just need refills for my scripts" I say

"Oh" - he says exhaling hugely

he opens the file to find the list
and while he's looking
my eyes land on a sticky note
on the inside cover of my file
left there specifically
by my Dr
as instructions
for the quiet guy
taking his place
whilst he's away on holidays

the sticky reads
"May holler"
in my Dr's handwriting.

The VOD
and
the Blister
find this hysterically funny

me?
....not so much.

Monday, December 21, 2009

it just never ends...

I got a rather panicked call from the VOD today
she'd just got a call from her Dr

seems that a week ago with the bother
took the VOD to the Dr for a check up
they got her to have chest xrays
around her cough

while her lungs seemed fine
they discovered that the fracture in her back
from last March
is much worse
and they are booking her in to have a ct scan this week
and into the hospital
whereby they are going to "glue" the fractures

"scuse" me? I says

"glue" she says

"mom are you sure you heard her right?"

"what am I an idiot?
I asked her 3 times!"

ok
glue it is...

she's to be in the hospital over New Years.
*sigh*
it just freakin never ends.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas with Sheldon....it bears repeating...

For years and years I too hated Christmas…too much brouhaha in my books…then I had a Christmas epiphany…no small feat for a non-Christian…but here goes

I always put huge store in Christmas…because I was raised in a huge family and I had believed all my life that "family" is what Christmas was about…My Father’s birthday is the twenty-third and my uncle’s is the twenty-fifth and as a child we always did the big Christmas/birthday celebration…but as time goes on things change and you discover that "family" are people too…and they have foibles…they mess up…and things never quite live up to your expectations.

In the early ‘90’s my Mother moved to BC leaving me to live in the old family home in Thunder Bay. My brother was newly married to woman that put the "C" in control. (and another word that I won’t use here!) She didn’t like cooking when I was around and for many years I thought it was cos she was intimidated by the fact that I have my chef’s papers…turns out she’s just lazy, opinionated and lazy…but that’s another story.

So Mom moves to BC, Dad and my sister are in Toronto and I am faced with the prospect of cooking the whole Christmas shebang at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. My sister-in-law has invited her whole family so I am cooking a 27lb turkey and all the trimmings. Two kinds of stuffing (one for each end) 3 kinds of salad and 4 vegetables, mashed spuds, gravy, pickles etc etc and top it all off with Figgie Pudding…(I’m from a go big er go home kinda family)

Five days before Christmas my sister-in-law calls me and informs me that I am "allowed" to come to her house for an hour between 6 and 7 AM to stuff the bird and put it in the oven…but then I need to leave for the day so she can have some "quality" time with her family.

Can you guess where I told her to put her bird? ~ahem~

So the Christmas dawns and I am alone. I am not answering the phone…and I am depressed….as my Grampy used to say, "I am lower than whale shit and that is on the bottom of the ocean! We are having a good old North Western Ontario blizzard and as I listen to the radio I am overcome both with the concept that I can’t get away from Christmas (it’s just freakin everywhere) and that I am alone. So I jump in my truck and head out to the local truck stop for breakfast. Somewhere where there’s people and noise.

On my way to the truck stop I drive past the Greyhound Bus Depot and while it is closed I spot and elderly man in a summer weight suit huddled in the doorway.

I drive by…then go around the block and drive by again. Something about this situation tweaks my conscience and I cannot get the picture of this man out of my head.

On my third pass I pull into the parking lot and lean out my window. "Are you ok?" I ask. This tiny elderly fellow looks up at me and with tears running down his face says, "I’ll do."

"Well no…he won’t do." I think as I watch him shiver and shudder. So I offer to let him in my truck. I’m thinking that if it turns out he’s got a gun…I certainly won’t feel any worse off than I already do this Christmas.

At first he refuses. But then with some cajoling and conversation he eventually climbs in and I take him to the truck stop to warm him up and maybe get him some food. He refuses to eat but allows as I could buy him a "cup of cocoa".

As he thaws out he tells me his story. He tells me his name is Sheldon Shepherd. He left Vancouver 3 days ago on his way to London ON to spend Christmas with his family. He was traveling by Greyhound. In the bathroom in the Thunder Bay bus terminal he is mugged…robbed…and knocked out. Because he is old school and won’t ask for help when he comes to… he doesn’t tell anyone, his grandkid’s Christmas presents are gone, as is his coat and wallet. He finds himself outside of the depot, the depot closed, in a blizzard with a lump on his head the size of Santa. Areas of his story seem lacking to me…but he’s got this lump and no coat and no money…so…

I am filled with righteous indignation and I insist that he allow me to call the police. They come and after all is said and done I find out that they can get him another bus ticket to London but they have to find a judge to authorize the funds and besides there is no bus running thru till the twenty-sixth. One of the police officers suggests that this sad soul go to the local homeless shelter. I’ve never been there but I know where it is so I agree to drive him there.

Sheldon is quiet on his way to the shelter. He confides in me as we are pulling into the parking lot that he’s never had to accept charity before and not comfortable with it now. I fully understand. I have never been able to look a homeless person in the eye. I have always been consumed with guilt and the thought that there but for the grace of all the gods go I.

In we go. My first impression was that we were entering a jail. We walked in thru the front door to be confronted with locked double doors and a "security guard". Sheldon is pulling back so I tell the guard his story and the guard opens the locked doors to allow us into the shelter telling us to "find Rick".

As we enter I am assaulted by a cacophony of sounds and smells….lots of them not pleasant. There is a riot of color and furniture and bodies everywhere…there are people sleeping standing up against walls and on the stairs and tired used old blankets clutched in dirty little children’s fingers.

Slowly as I become accustomed to the "ambiance" I begin to see Christmas in this room. There are bits of tinsel hanging from dirty stocking caps set jauntily over dirty faces. There’s what can only be called a Charlie Brown Christmas tree in the corner and there are new socks and new gloves on many hands and feet…and lots of the people that are awake are smiling. I don’t understand.

Across the room is the big serving window to the kitchen but I see no one on the other side…as I start across the room I hear the unmistakable sound of dishes smashing to the floor and a resounding "Damn it!" from behind the wall. I peek around a see a harried fellow, in half a Santa suit picking up broken dishes and muttering.

"Rick?" I ask. This frantic man turns to me and blesses me with the biggest gap tooth smile and says…"yup…hiya! What can I do for you?"

I explain Sheldon’s story and Rick tells me no problem he can stay here over night. He then turns to Sheldon and says,"I don’t suppose you can cook?"

"Why?" says Sheldon and I at once. Turns out that the volunteer church group that was to cook the shelter’s Christmas dinner won’t be coming because of the storm. Rick says that Christmas is always a banner time for the shelter food wise…"people assuage their guilt by giving at Christmas". The end result is that he has tons of food and no cooks.

"Hmmmmmm," says I, "maybe I can help"

Long story short…we have Christmas dinner for close to 200. Sheldon isn’t a cook but he’s a mean dishwasher and clean up kinda guy…and we recruit a couple of people from the shelter and we are off… We have beef and turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing made in pans instead of in the bird and spaghetti with sauce and chocolate pudding.

We have Christmas Carols and laughter and hugs and tears and handclasps from dirty little fingers. By 10 PM I am completely and totally physically exhausted, sweaty and hot, hot, hot… but as I turn to survey the room I have an epiphany.

Christmas is not about receiving the love from my family that I believe is my due. It truly is about the giving. In any way shape or form.

Sheldon passed away in 1996 but I still hear from his daughter Janice…once a year at Christmas. In the more than 13 years since this event occurred in my life, I’ve sent this story out to online friends far and wide...and as a result there are “Christmas with Sheldon” parties all over North America designed by people who have been affected by Sheldon’s story to assist people that have “less than” we do. Not people we believe are less than us because we don’t get to judge. But people that have less than us for whatever reason…and they don’t just happen at Christmas.

And here I am more than 13 years later understanding that Sheldon’s plight could have occurred to anyone of us at any time in our lives. Sheldon coming into my life was a true blessing and a life changing moment and my telling of Sheldon’s story to others is not my right but my responsibility.

It is truly the best that I can do.

Monday, December 14, 2009

sheep

I will never cease to be amazed
by the small mindedness
and meanness of some people

it seems that for some people
it's not enough to hurt you themselves
they have to systematically
set about destroying relationships for others...
by spreading rumors and innuendos
and untruths

if ya want the truth..
just ask
and if you aren't asking
you aren't really friends
you are just as much at fault
as the liars

remember folks....
what you put out comes back to you 3 fold
you will get what you deserve in the end
no matter how wonderful you think your life is now

and if you are one of those people
duped by the manipulators
you probably deserve what you get
cos you never once asked
never once asked
you just took the liars at their word
and fell into line...

sheep.

I wish you peace
yer gonna need it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

a confession

if you please

I've never had much use
for Elvis Costello

I've always thought of him
as that funny little man
that was sorta maybe famous
cos he sang a couple of little songs
thru his nose in the 80's

and eventually
he married Diana Krall
and got really famous.

apparently I was wrong

have you ever watched
"Spectacle with Elvis Costello"?

apparently some really big names
like and respect him

listen to the calibre of guest list
this man has:
Herbie Hancock,
Kris Kristofferson,
Rosanne Cash,
John Mellancamp,
Norah Jones,
Rufus Wainwright
The Police
Tony Bennett
James Taylor
Lou Reed
Julian Schnabel
Sir Elton John
Sheryl Crow
Bono and The Edge

holy cow!

course...
he's still a funny little man
with a funny nasally voice
that sings other people's songs
in front of them

poorly...

but neat show!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Dweeb Hats

so last night
on my way home from work
I had to stop
to pick up a carpet
for the VOD
she was having
her living room area rug
cleaned
and they called to say it was ready

I got there about 5:15pm

and they close at 5:30
so I was cutting it close
and of course
by 5:15pm at this time of year
it's dark outside

I'm wearing 4 layers
and one of my many wool hats
cos hey! it cold and I'm bald

the hat I'm wearing is fleece lined
and has ear flaps and a pom pom

so I walk into the carpet cleaning place
and I walk up to the counter
the clerk is standing
with her back to me
likely doing her day end deposit
and I feel a twinge of guilt
around the fact that I'm likey
about to make her change it all

she, with her back still to me
says "I'll be right with you"

I says "take yer time...I'm just gonna
stand here under this heat vent"

she says" ya....it's so cold this year
I had to go out and buy one of them dweeb hats"

I say "dweeb hats?"

and she says "you know? the one's with the
ear flaps and the pom poms"

and then she turns around

LoL

at least she had the good grace
to blush

I laughed all the way to the VOD's

Saturday, December 05, 2009

people just don't get it

the whole
what it's like
to live with a debilitating disease
(er two er three) thing that is

take the fadder (please?)

he's in town for the weekend
stayin at the cuz's place

we meet for breaky
and we have a talk about my health
whereby I tell him all about
how I feel like I'm finally coming out
of the end of a dark tunnel
and I recognize that
it took years to get here
so it's baby steps
going forward
but I'm determined
to find a way
to make these diseases
live together
and play nice
and that's why I'm spending
so much time with the Dr's
cos they have answers I don't have

I also say
that I recognize
that it ain't gonna be pretty
and it's gonna take a long time
but I'm determined

his response
is to tell me this story
about his latest chicklette

who's a spry 67 yrs old
had a stroke
was in a scooter
etc etc
decided that she loved boxing
lived close to a gym
developed a relationship with a
personal trainer
and now she's running marathons

I find it exasperating but still
I say "see...that just proves to me
that I will be able to find a way to
get thru this"

his response is..."just get some exercise"
*insert dumbfounded expression here*

I try yet again
to explain the problem with my legs

and he doesn't get it

yet he's actually had surgery
on one of his Achilles tendons
for exactly the same problem I have
and was in a brace for a year before the
surgery

but he don't get it

so I go and pick up the VOD at noon
we go to the grocery store
and the pharmacy
and are back at her house by 2pm

and my left heel is so sore
I would rather cut off a breast
than put any weight on it

every step feels like
someone is cutting my
Achilles tendon

and I'm realistic enough
to recognize
that it's like
exacerbated
by my weight
(I am not an idiot ya know)

I get home by 3
and it hurts so bad
all I can think of is gettin
off of it
and maybe pukin

and he doesn't understand
why I'm not exercising?

3 hrs on my feet
and I'd rather live
in the crazy cat lady's house
than do laundry
or wash the kitchen floor

people think I'm lazy
and that's why I'm fat

but I'm not

I'd way rather go back to
the shape I was in 10 years ago
than hurt like this
from just being on my feet
for 3 hours

I'd way rather be able to eat
vegetables...
I'd kill for green beans
and I'd likely sell body parts
for one single apple
but I know what both of those things would do to me
just like I know that
a bite er two of broccoli
will land me in the hospital

so I'm not fat
cos I'm lazy
and I'm not fat
cos I wanna be
and I'm not fat
cos I don't care

I'm fat
cos I can't eat what I want
or what's good for me

I'm fat
cos I sit and wait
for the pain to go away

and that right there
is the truth of my existence.

Friday, December 04, 2009

it's the little things

so I'm a happy camper today
and I have proof that I am hugely
easy to please

I've just found out that they are making
another Riddick movie

the script is locked in
and they are in New Zealand
hunting locations

I looooves me some Riddick
mostly cos it doesn't suck that Vin Diesel
looks just like Michael did
but without hair

yup
easy to please...
a quiet office
an ipod
and it's Friday

what more could a girl ask for?
lol

Thursday, November 26, 2009

orphan

I'm experiencing some separation anxiety

officially as of this evening
the VOD no longer lives next door

kinda sad
and very freeing!

and so it goes

more on the health front

the Diabetes is type 2 and confirmed
the drug (metformin) is in
contraindication with Crohn's Disease

the side effects are all the kind of issues
that I've fought tooth and nail to
get rid of since being diagnosed with Crohn's Disease
all those years ago
(nausea, diarrhea, intestinal bleeding,
sore joints, issues with tendons,

being tired all the time etc)

now they tell me that "maybe"
part of the eye issues

could be the Diabetes
part of the legs and feet issues
could be the Diabetes
part of the gut issues
could be the Diabetes

get the picture?

oh...it gets better

so besides the drugs being harsh
and "hating" each other
the diets for both diseases
are contra indicative
what I need to eat for the Diabetes
I can't eat for the Crohn's Disease
and what I need for the Crohn's Disease
I can't eat with Diabetes

fuck.me.gently.

I'm trying really hard to not let this
become a focus for depression
but I'm as frustrated as hell
at the moment!

I have another round of Dr
and specialist
appointments coming up
along with yet more trips to a dietitian
and the Diabetes Clinic

How the hell am I supposed
to hold down a full time job
with all this?

it just never seems to end

course the good news is that I'll
likely start to loose weight
from all the puking
jayzuz!

and truly

I feel really good for someone
that's as sick as I am!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I read this sign

on my way home from work
it said
"there are no strangers here....
just friends we've yet to meet"

nice sentiment eh?
all kinda warm and snugly
and airy fairy....

well.... it's bullshit!

if I've learned anything over the last couple of years
it's that friends don't grow on trees
acquaintances do though
and just because someone says they are your friend
doesn't mean that you can rely on them
to be in your corner when the chips are down

what constitutes a friend?

Someone of good moral standards...
Someone who knows the difference between
right and wrong
and strives to spend as much of their life on the right side
as humanly possible...instead of paying lip service
to the very idea...

Someone who understands
that there is no grey area
around lying
(and yes...not telling the whole truth
is still a lie...commonly called a sin of omission)
any more than there is around
stealing,
being disrespectful,
mean spirited
or cruel.

Someone who not only talks the talk
but walks the walk...full time.

Someone who makes a commitment to you
and then stands by it - even if it costs them

Someone who doesn't decide to make you
bear the brunt of the burden
when they make a mistake

Someone who does things for you
not to just make themselves look better
but just cos they want to make you happy

Someone who doesn't re-write history
to make themselves feel better instead of
stepping up and taking the heat when
they've caused it.

Someone who doesn't try to manipulate you
or those around you

Someone who doesn't think kindness is something
you put on toast only to be pulled out and served
when they'd best profit from it.

Someone who doesn't sneak in here
in a clandestine manner
thinking I'll never know
they still read my blog....

A friend, accepts you
and supports you
A friend is kind, and loving
respectful and caring
and laughs with you not at you.

Strangers are not friends
as a matter of fact
most acquaintances aren't either

Trust used to come easy to me
but I've learned that lesson too

and figuring all this out
makes life so much more
drama free.

Really.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

the big move

is on...

the VOD is moving into
"independent living"

moving is traumatic
at any time
but at 80 it seems to be almost
the impossible task

this week she's going thru
17 years of beloved belongings

sorting what to take
and what to send to storage
(a ploy to avoid separation anxiety)

and what to throw away

for 8 of the 10 years
that I have lived
next door to her

I printed off every email
any family member sent

for her to read


I just walked into her bedroom
to find her sitting on the floor

reading all those 10 yr old emails
one by one
before deciding if she can throw them out

some of them mark momentous family occasions
but those aren't the one's she's keeping

the one she just read me goes like this:
Rodney Dangerfield says "we were so poor
when I was growing up
it's a damn good thing I was born a boy
er I'd have had nothin to play with!"

that's the kind of stuff she's keeping.

I'm from good stock eh?

Remember the Duirwaigh

I've adored this since I first found it at Duirwaigh Studios

http://www.duirwaigh.com/


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Memory Lane

After Michael died
I had this album on steady loop
till I wore the grooves outta it
and had to buy another one

I was so sure that I was a waste
and I've often thought
that Paul Williams music
and lyrics kept me alive

I discovered it again recently
on You Tube
and here I am 30 odd years later
I'm surprise to say
that I still remember every word


I'm not listening to it often
cos I find I get transported back
to those same dark desperate feelings
that I experienced
just after Michael died

still and all
it is like finding an old friend




Roll on thunder, shine on lightning
The days are long and the nights are frightenin'
Nothing matters anyway,
And that's the hell of it.
Winter comes and the winds blew colder
While some grew wiser, you just grew older
And you never listened anyway,
And that's the hell of it.
Good for nothing, bad in bed
Nobody likes you and you're better off dead
Goodbye, we've all come to say goodbye (goodbye)
Goodbye (goodbye)
Born defeated, died in vain
Super-destructive, you were hooked on pain
Though your music lingers on
All of us are glad you're gone
If I could live my life half as worthlessly as you
I'm convinced that I'd wind up burning too.
Love yourself as you loved no other
Be no man's fool and be no man's brother
We're all born to die alone, you know, that's the hell of it.
Life's a game where they're bound to beat you
And time's a trick it can turn to cheat you
And we only waste it anyway,
And that's the hell of it.
Good for nothing, bad in bed
Nobody liked you and you're better off dead
Goodbye, we've all come to say goodbye (goodbye)
Goodbye (goodbye)
Born defeated, died in vain
Super-destructive, you were hooked on pain
And though your music lingers on
All of us are glad you're gone

Sunday, November 15, 2009

"Ashes to Ashes

Dust to Dust..."

my grandma used to say: "Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust...there's someone comin or goin under your bed so you'd best get in there and vacuum!"

Funny ashes memories have been swirling around in my head the last couple of days as a direct result of a conversation I had with my boss on Friday night. (and the retelling of these stories with Kim this morning over brunch)

My boss' father is passing away. He's doing so with all the dignity that his ex-wife and daughter can provide for him and in his moments of lucidity they have had those deep meaningful conversations that seem to happen prior to death ...but likely should have happened all their lives (but I digress)

In our conversation after work on Friday she mentioned that they'd had a conversation about cremation and that was the way that he wanted to be "handled" after his death. Speaking of this prompted her to tell me a story about her uncle who came to Canada from the UK during the war for a visit and passed away while here. The Canadian branch of the family had the uncle cremated and sent the uncle's ashes back to the UK for burial.

As they were sending the package along with a letter during a time when the UK was rationing they also sent some staples like flour and sugar and coffee along as well. Two unfortunate things happened during the transport of that box to the UK. The first being that the letter was somehow separated from the box and arrived several weeks after the package. And sadly both the package of flour and the package of ashes broke open mingling the two. When the package arrived at it's UK destination the recipients weren't aware that the uncle's remains were included in that package and as flour wasn't bleached in those days and it all looked the same - so they celebrated by baking a cake.

It was only weeks later when the letter arrived that the cake baker was heard to say - "I wondered what was wrong with that flour...I couldn't get that cake to rise at all!"

When I was a child my family moved fairly often from community to community to facilitate my fadder's career as an Ontario Provincial Police Officer. The first and most traumatic of those moves for me, was from Perth On, where I'd spent the first 9 years of my life and my bother and blister were born, to Kenora On...one of the most westerly communities in Ontario.

Not only was I traumatized by the move (no matter how often the VOD insisted that it was "an adventure") but when we arrived in Kenora the government house that we were to move into wasn't finished so our stuff went into storage and we spent what was to be 3 mths, but quickly turned into 6 and then 9 mths in a rented, furnished home of an elderly scion of the community who had gone away for the winter.

This house was diametrically the opposite to what a young woman of 9 was interested in. It was dark, and antique and filled to the brim with things we shouldn't or couldn't touch as the VOD was desperate to leave the house in some semblance of condition when we moved out and while she had her hands full with me, she also had 2 toddlers running about and getting into everything as toddlers will.

I began to act out. I hated the neighbourhood, the school, the people just everything and so began my career as a hellion. My fadder's position in the OPP at the time was that of Traffic Safety Coordinator for all of NWOn (which is a fairly big yet fairly sparsely populated chunk of Canada) and as a result he was gone lots so it fell to the VOD to "control me". Which brings me to my second ashes story.

During/after one particularly diabolical spate betwixt us the VOD (in an act of pure desperation) sent myself, a dust cloth and the vacuum cleaner into the large, dark, formal and formidable dining room with the admonition that I was not to make a peep or come out until every square inch of that room was spotless. And she'd know if I'd not done it because she had a white glove!

So in I went, muttering and dusting and muttering and vacuuming and just plain muttering about the horrible lack of fairness in my life etc etc etc.

About half way through the clean-a-
thon I had a discussion with myself about whether or not I could get away with not actually dusting inside any of the 3 massive, filled to the brim, china cabinets in the room but decided in the end that I'd best be cleaning them as well, as after all...the VOD did have that white glove.

Dusting the first 2 cabinets went by with virtually no concern, save for chipping one china teacup, but I turned it around facing the other direction and was fairly certain that the VOD would never notice. The 3rd cabinet however proved to be a different story.

The "stuff" in the third cabinet was different in that it was "collectibles" as opposed to actual eating paraphernalia and upon examination I was disgusted to find that it housed a whole shelf of little ginger jar type collectibles full of what looked like dirt.

I was disgusted because in my 9 yr old, oh so hard done by mind, I was sure that that this was likely a test set out by the tyrannical VOD to prove that I never did as I was told. So just to prove to her that I was smarter than she, I knocked the "dirt" out of every single one of those little jars and cleaned them thoroughly, and then just to prove my point, I re-vacuumed the room thereby completely removing any sign of the dirt in the first place.

Some hour to an hour and a half after she'd sent me in to the dinning room and round about the time that I was just finishing up the 2nd vacuuming of the room, the VOD came in and relented as to how she may have been a little too hard on me and that I could stand down and go out to play as she'd finish the dining room.

I was so pleased at this turn of the tides that I announced she wouldn't have to do anything as I'd thoroughly done it all myself...further I explained that I'd even been so thorough as to clean all the dirt outta all them little jars just to prove "I was on to her" I pronounced, ever so smugly.

The VOD gawped like a fish. "Wh...what little jars?" she asked nervously, her eye's darting around the room to land on the curio cabinet full of collectibles. "Yup - them one's" I announced. 'that whole middle shelf there!"

The VOD was aghast...I'd knocked out, dusted, and vacuumed up the remains of our landlady's whole family!

My third ashes story involves the VOD and the blister....who when informed that the VOD wishes to be cremated announced that she would be "taking the VOD's ashes and depositing a half teaspoon of her into every pepper shaker in every Royal Canadian Legion in Canada." Being as my parents met and married in the Canadian Navy she was quite sure that everyone would find that acceptable. The VOD, in an effort to not hurt the blister's feelings has as yet not told the blister that it isn't so I'm unsure as to what will really happen when the time comes!

My fourth and final ashes story happened years later as an adult.

The VOD's only sister lost her husband about 30 years ago. At the time she couldn't afford to come all the way to Merritt BC for the funeral but she and her sister stayed in touch via the phone and letters so the VOD knew that Billy had been cremated and Auntie El (who's a joker like the VOD) would put the "urn" of Billy's ashes in his favorite chair to watch Monday night football (just like nothing had changed).

18 years ago (a year before the VOD moved to the Island, and 8 years before I did) she and I went on a driving tour and did all of western Canada. When we arrived in Merritt of course Auntie El would have nothing but that we'd stay at her house. I'd balked as the whole family were serious smokers (and hell will freeze over before they open a door or a window) but in the end it was arranged that the VOD would stay in the spare room and I'd sleep in the rec room in the basement (where they thought for some reason that the smoke wouldn't bother me)

I had a crappy night and as a result was up early the following day. As Auntie El was a late sleeper, I, ever so quietly, snuck out of the house and made it to the local Tim Horton's and got coffee and bagels for the VOD and myself. I snuck back in and headed to the VOD's bed in the spare room. In those days the VOD was not yet wearing hearing aids so she really truly couldn't hear you unless she could see you. Upon my entry to the room she began to fumble around on the bookshelf headboard of the bed looking for her glasses. Once, twice, three times before she found them and got them on she banged her arthritic fingers on a wooden box on the shelf in the middle of the headboard. She muttered "what the hell is that?" whilst perching the glasses on her nose.

I leaned forward and read the brass plaque. I was uncle Billy. I howled and again the VOD was aghast and for the rest of her life Auntie El liked to tell people that "her sister had slept with her husband....she waited till he was dead, of course, but sleep with him she did!"

Friday, November 13, 2009

ok...I'm pissed again

wtf is wrong with people?

I have been reading a blogger for a year er two
over at Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper

I read her cos she's witty
she's enthusiastic
she's funny
and has a love for life
and for her family...

in good times and bad.

I read her cos she's got a good heart
and a hard head
and like me
she comes from the school of hard knocks

while I read her
so do thousands of others
and as a result
she's become slightly famous
in the blogsphere

and in becoming slightly famous
she's also become the envy
of a lot of people
that have a desperation
to be seen in the spotlight
but not the tools
to do so

well over a year ago
she suffered a break down of sorts
and ended up in the hospital
and part of her process for healing
was to vent on line

she bled
she wept
she raved
and she confessed
she called herself names
she compared herself to every evil
and base instinct known to mankind
in an effort to purge it all
and somehow find happiness again

her readership soared
people lavished her with praise
and support
they raved
and rallied behind her when the odd person
would comment in a negative fashion

every time she said that she was going
to stop writing
people begged her to continue to write
likely because her writing
made them feel better about themselves

Over the past little while
the tides have turned
and the next flavor of the month
has become a genre of bloggers
who make their fame
out of smacking down
or putting down
or ridiculing the subject matter
of people like Cyrstal
at Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper

they're like pack animals
and take down the old,
the infirm
or the people they are just plain jealous of
some people just jump on a band wagon when they see one
not because they know what's going on
but because being judgmental
makes them feel better
about their own inefficacious little lives....

they are hard, bitter, miserly,
narcissistic and sanctimonious
(and to coin a phrase) they are Christians of convenience

They begged her for more
and then hold her up for examination
and ridicule
if she doesn't meet their pious viewpoint...

Crystal, you and the Mr need only answer to yourselves,
your family and
whatever the hell it is that you call god

all the rest is window dressing
and truly has no bearing
on who and what you are...
only you can effect change upon yourself...

they all deserve each other...
and the rest of us will continue to read you
when we need/want to

cos truly....
with the good -
comes the bad...
that's called friendship
and speaks volumes
to the differences between
friends and acquaintances.

take heart dear woman....
for every one of them that's flapping their lips
there is one of us that knows the true perils of real life...
and don't hold you accountable for our glass houses.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

11/11



In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Peace!

November 5, 2009
The Peace Globe Gallery

To find peace one must be at peace with themselves
To find peace there should be no conflict that can involves violence
To find peace there should always be a solution to solve a problem
To find peace there should always be kindness
To find peace one must desire peace
To have peace in the world one must strive hard in order to achieve peace
With peace there should be no more violence, anger, hatred, war, families torn apart, and anguish
With peace there will be unity, families are together, love is in the air, happiness is all around the world, and in our hearts as well

~Jeffrey Liminsang

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

lock the door

for 10 years
every night
at bedtime
I've done a round
of my home
turning off the tv
the lights
checking to make sure
the stove is off...

and every night
for 10 years
I've checked to make sure
that my apartment door
is unlocked

so the VOD
can get in
in the middle of the night
if she needs to

tonight
the bother
took the first load
of her gear
to her new place

and I realized
that she's lived
in that apartment
for 17 years
and while there's gonna be
a serious change for her
in moving to the new one,
there's also gonna be
some adjustments
for me

lock the door
dammit.

Stay Tuned

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

strange goin's on

there's some strange goin's on
goin on around me at the moment

I have mixed feelings

first
I saw the heart specialist
he said my heart was in "surprisingly good shape
considering what it's been through"
the chest pains are chest wall spasms
and while painful
ya can't die from em

good to know....
I get an H1N1 shot tomorrow
and I see a Urologist on the 12th
and then I should be all topped up
for the next year er so
Dr. wise....
*sigh*

second..
.the VOD is moving
after 10 years of being in my very pocket
by the end of the month
she will be firmly ensconced
in an apartment in an independent living complex
5 minutes from me
a complex that goes
from indepenent to assited living
when needs be....

talk about mixed emotions!
I'm trying not to be giddy
and to not say what I need to say
to the bother
before he gets her moved
cos once I'm done with him
I'm pretty sure
he won't be around for a while
nor talking to me :)
and one more crack about how he's had to
come all the way here to "fix" everything
I've not done in the last 9 years
may just get him a shot in the head
~I'm just sayin....

and then there's the fadder
who's been bemoaning for a couple of years
that he wants a dog
finds an Airedale Terrier (his fav breed) rescue
goes all the way to the point of having them
come to inspect his home

and then decides he better not

?

other than that
things are surprisingly calm

in the rest of my life right now
(well...calm for me that is)

and I kinda find that strange too
I guess I've been living in a state of
high stress and anxiety for so long
I miss it when it's gone

here's hopin it's gone for a long time!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I wake

and look over at the clock
7:00
is it AM or PM?

it's dark
has been for 2 days

it's dark when I go to sleep
it's dark when I wake up
it's dark when my eyes are closed
and it's dark when I open them

it's warm
and comfy
cocooned
nested

there's something oddly
womb like about spending
a couple of days in bed
when my eyes go south

the very fact that I can think this
makes me understand
that I must be on the
uphill climb to
normalcy again
or whatever it is that I call normal
health wise

2 days of feeling like I have glass in my eye
compounded by the running of the nose
my conviction that this fluid coming from my eyes
must be blood
the sinuses impacting
and the resultant headache

no light
no tv
no book
no computer
I can't bear the light
for more than seconds at a time
so it's dark

2 days feels like forever
and eventually starts to feel
like
always

they must be getting better
cos I'm not mad at them anymore
and I'm awake

Friday, October 23, 2009

You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense



What’s a boy to do?
When you tell your tale and it never fails
I just end up feeling bad for you
With your hang-dog eyes
You can bring me down now I’m wrapped around your whole hand stop looking so surprised

Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)

I’ve been burned before
You’re not fooling me there’s no mystery you've forgotten what you’re hiding for
Call it self-defense
You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)

Easy to be with you
Easy to obey
Easy to forgive you at the end of the day
East not to judge you
Easy to betray
Easy to adore you though you want to run away

It’s easy

Look what you have done
I can do the same two can play this game you’ll no longer be the only one

Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Easy (easy)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

we got some good news

and we got some bad news

the good news is
that
I officially have good bones

good in that they
are no worse
than they were


the bad news is
that I have atherosclerosis


which can be treated medication


yet.one.more.medication.


but wait!
it gets better!

I'm also diabetic
(qu'elle suprise?

what with the family history
and my svelt shape!)

this too can be treated with a medication
also no big surprise....


I'm soon to need a truck to haul my meds in

*sigh*

I have an appt with
the heart specialist on the 29th

and a urologist pending
cos they still can't figure out
where the blood is coming from

that'd be the blood
that sent me to the Dr
in the first place
over 2 mths ago...

*sigh*

I'm just tired of being sick and tired

let's recap shall we?


Crohn's Disease - 12 pills a day (on maintenance)

PTSD - 2 pills at night

hiatus hernia - 1 pill a day

high blood pressure - 1 pill a day

HRT - 1 pill a day
atherosclerosis - 1 pill a day (and re-evaluate in 6 wks)

arthritis - pills dependent on pain and weather
Cogan's Dystrophy - night time eye ointment
and drops 3 times a day

Diabetes - metformin (after the next fasting blood sugar
and we'll evaluate as we go)

Achilles tendinitis (both legs) - pills dependent on pain

Obesity - lobotomy? possibility!


*sigh*

Jeezuz
I'm gonna have to pay someone to keep this straight for me

EDIT:
case in point?
a friend just phoned me to remind me
of the kidney stone
and the freaking surgery clamp
they've discovered was left in me
over 30 years ago during one of my surgeries....
imagine that slipping my mind? END EDIT

another edit: well shit! I forgot asthma! end edit!


so here's the crux of my problem...

I am on a "low residue" diet
due to the Crohn's Disease...
I have been for about 6 yrs,
and I firmly believe
that it is the reason
that my Crohn's is in
stasis or remission


but.....

all the food I need to eat
to combat
the atherosclerosis,
diabetes,

high blood pressure

and obesity

are the foods that I simply can not eat

and keep my Crohn's from flaring
(last flare had me in the hospital
for 10 days
and in ICU for 6 of them)


so... no fruits and veggies for me

I can't even walk for cripes sake
cos my left Achilles tendon is fracked.

so
officially....

if you are lookin for me?

I'll be under my bed...
sucking my thumb.















and I ain't anywhere near as cute as this kid!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I woke up

disgruntled today...

I don't know why?

cos yesterday was a pretty good day
save a couple of scares from a video my friend lent me
(really? if ya wanna get rid of me...just tell me - no need to scare me to death LOL)

I wrote this list of things 13 that make me go hmmm?
but decided against posting it in it's entirety
mostly cos there's no way that people will look at it honestly

there's simply no way that people will honestly answer the questions
as opposed to viewing it as me being incendiary
which is not my intent

over time it surely does seem that the lion's share of the people
that I am acquainted with
would rather talk about me
than to me

I guess that's my fault
cos I'm still holding people accountable
for their actions

so it's their loss

part of taking a stand
is being prepared for the fall out
no matter how mean spirited it is.

I'm prepared.

Monday, October 12, 2009

For Pam

You will never know
true happiness
until you have truly loved

and you will never understand
what pain really is
until you have
lost it

R.I.P. Chris




Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

of wedge asses "and such"

so the nefew is back in the city
going to year 2 of uni

he made a pretty adult decision
to room and board in a family home
in the city...
all of the family are somehow into music
and they are close to the uni so he can ride his bike
and all of this is covered by student loans
and then he'll work to supplement

really nice in theory
but sometime the best laid plans
don't work out
and it ain't assisted by the fact
that
they are just plain weird people

the kid's student loan didn't come in on time
so here we are the 8th
and he's not been able to pay his rent

had he told me
I'd have fronted him the money on the first
but he didn't get up the gumption
to mention it to me till today
and to add insult to injury
the kid has the flu
bad.

so after dinner
I jump in the car
and drive into the city
to write the kid a cheque

I get there
I write the cheque
we have an "aunty kranky" talk
about this being the real deal and
this is a loan...just like an adult
yadda yadda yadda
he thanks me profusely
and promises to pay me back
once we get to his Dad's on Sunday for Thanksgiving
I get back in the car
and head home

10 min from my door my phone rings
it's the kid
apparently the landlord
doesn't like the way I wrote the date
on the cheque

I wrote Oct/8/9
he wants DD/MM/YYYY
and won't accept the cheque as payment
if it's not written that way

the poor kid is really embarrassed

and I turn around
and drive back into town

I get there
he meets me outside
and hands me the cheque
I rewrite it
with the date DD/MM/YYYY
and he takes it in the house for approval

this time I've learned my lesson

the poor kid comes out and looks like he's gonna cry
this wedge ass won't accept the cheque
cos I do xx/xx instead of change
he wants it to say $.00

see now
this is where being 54 would come in handy
cos if it were up to me
I'd tell that flake
to take a long hard suck on my d.....
well...
you get the picture

but the poor kid
looked like he wanted to cry
I just re-wrote the cheque
and took it in to the wedge ass myself
had said wedge ass even peeped at me
there likely would have been an altercation
but he choose to accept the cheque
so I was then stuck having the obligatory
inane conversation
about the weather etc
with a stranger.

a stranger
who uses "and such"
tacked on to the end of each sentence
like punctuation

"nice day if it don't rain and such"
yes it is
"sorry to have made you drive all this way and such"
it's ok
"well the kid's turned out to be a great boarder and such"
I'm sure he is
"it's just that his car takes up so much room and such"
well it's a big car
"too bad he didn't have a smaller car and such"
you know he's a student right? it's not like he bought it
"well...nice meeting you and such"
buh bye...

Let me outta here you wedge ass
and such.