Pixie

there are days
when I think
it was a mistake
to get a
chihuahua
puppy...

cos she's wound up
tighter
n a ten day clock

and I think
I could
easily
break her neck
if I give her a wee shake
for chewing up
yet one more
important document...

and then
she finally
runs outta steam
and relaxes
for a while
and I remember why
I got
the little bitch
in the first place...

*sigh*

she sure does
know how
to fuck up
a quiet evening
at home...

peepers

so over the last 2 mths...since I saw the laser eye surgeon, I've called that office 4 times to check on the status of the letter they were sending to Medical Services Plan to get approval for funding for surgery

and each time I call I’m told (by a woman that works there that used to work with me at the call center) that it’s gone in and they are awaiting a decision from MSP

yesterday my eyes were pretty bad – and I had to work anyway cos my collegue was off and the boss was away…mostly it was the headache so I sat in the office with the lights off and the door closed most of the day J

anyhoo…the pain in my head made me call the laser surgeon’s office again…and I’m assured once again…”we’re waiting on MSP” by the same woman

about 20 min later the phone rings and it’s another woman from the same clinic advising me that the Dr has just realized that they never sent in the letter and so it will go out tomorrow…

I'm pissed - but it's mostly cos I'm frustrated beyond words.

Horoscope

an acquaintance sent me this today...and I thought it significant considering a conversation I had over dinner with a friend

Leo

Your element: Fire

Your ruling planets: The Sun

Symbol: The Lion

Your stone: Peridot

Life Pursuit: To lead the way

Vibration: Radiant Energy

Leo's Secret Desire: To be a star

Description:
Love triumphs over all for this sign, which is ruled by the heart and operates from this dimension too. Leo's are born fortunate. Charismatic and positive-thinking they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities, but manage to survive life's stormy times with style and good humour.

Once a Lion is committed to a relationship, they are totally devoted and faithful. Should their heart or trust be broken they never forgive or forget. When a relationship breaks down (even a long standing one) they can disappear into the sunset without a backward look. Leos can cut ties, and leave others heartbroken, but usually there is a good reason why they have broken a tryst. For a Leo, when a relationship is over, really over, it is over for good.

There are three levels of soul-evolution of the Leos. The highest is represented by the Sphinx; wise beyond their years and great teachers to others. The second is the Lion, King of the Jungle, ruled by ego but always protective and sustaining of those they love. The last is the Lion Cub, immature and undeveloped, frightened by anything new. These Leos cling to others (in the mode of the child not wanting to leave its mother's side).) They can't bear to be alone.

No matter what level they have attained, all Leos are trendsetters, leaders and adventurers. Their weakness is their pride. This is one sign where the saying "flattery will get you everything" applies, but be warned criticism will slam the relationship door right in your face.

R.I.P. Shirley Harty

RIP Shirley

♥ you were loved

I admire you beyond words
for the fight you put up
and the sense of humor
you displayed
all the way through this ordeal....

You taught me
huge amounts
about the kind of person
I'd like to be...

Peace Sister ♥

a quick message to the Grim Reaper

Dear Grim Reaper,
Sir or Madam...
which ever you prefer

Please stop
picking off
my friends
and family

You've been
working overtime
since Christmas
and I wanna
file a complaint...

I just don't know
how I can possibly be
much sadder.

there's nothing fair
in your line of work

you seem to take
the good ones
and leave the axe murderers
and child molesters
to live long a fruitful lives

we both know
that shit ain't fair

can ya not just
tip the the balance?
maybe let the scales
slide over to the other side
for a change?

fuck you very much
Wyz

Ian Anderson & Jethro Tull

for the fans
amongst us

Trust...

Trust is a big word
a word I'm beginning to think
it's actually a fallacy
a figment of one's imagination

Trust is defined in the dictionary as:

–noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

6.the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in some one's trust.

8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

9.Law.

a. a fiduciary relationship in which one person (the trustee) holds the title to property (the trust estate or trust property) for the benefit of another (the beneficiary).

b. the property or funds so held.

10. Commerce.

a. an illegal combination of industrial or commercial companies in which the stock of the constituent companies is controlled by a central board of trustees, thus making it possible to manage the companies so as to minimize production costs, control prices, eliminate competition, etc.

b. any large industrial or commercial corporation or combination having a monopolistic or semimonopolistic control over the production of some commodity or service.

11. Archaic. reliability.

–adjective

12. Law. of or pertaining to trusts or a trust.

–verb (used without object)

13. to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something (usually fol. by in or to): to trust in another's honesty; trusting to luck.

14. to have confidence; hope: Things work out if one only trusts.

15. to sell merchandise on credit.

–verb (used with object)

16. to have trust or confidence in; rely or depend on.

17. to believe.

18. to expect confidently; hope (usually fol. by a clause or infinitive as object): trusting the job would soon be finished; trusting to find oil on the land.

19. to commit or consign with trust or confidence.

20. to permit to remain or go somewhere or to do something without fear of consequences: He does not trust his children out of his sight.

21. to invest with a trust; entrust with something.

22. to give credit to (a person) for goods, services, etc., supplied: Will you trust us till payday?

—Verb phrase

23. trust to, to rely on; trust: Never trust to luck!

—Idiom

24. in trust, in the position of being left in the care or guardianship of another: She left money to her uncle to keep in trust for her children.

that's a whole lotta mumbo jumbo

much of it describes
the concept of trust...
...the idea
that when you trust someone
you can rely upon them
to act, to believe, to respond
in a certain manner
with integrity, strength, honour, etc

I used to open all my relationships
at home, at work and in life
with a basic premise of trust
betwixt myself
and the individual
I am dealing with
I started out looking for the good
and usually found it

took me a long time
to break down those walls
and to be open
but I was sure it was worth it...

I am not sure any more

I've learned
most specifically
over the last couple of years
to keep the guard up
to play the game
and smile and nod

a game of a different sort
than the one that kept me alive
in my youth - but a game
none the less

I trust no one completely

there's not one person
I can think of
in the whole world
that I can open myself to completely
and know that there will be no pain
no betrayal
no lies
that they will have my back....

not one that I trust and know
that I can rely unconditionally upon
on their
integrity
strength and
ability
with confidence

in fact
what I've seen in the past couple of years
is betrayal of friendships
and meddling in personal lives
on levels that astound me

I've seem marriages of 20 years or more
betrayed in the name
of the "throbbing member"
cos apparently that's more important
than the trust given by your partner

I've seen close personal loving friendships
thrown away by meddling
of gargantuan proportions
with no apologies
and with huge portions of blame...
"look what you made me do..."

I've seen other close loving friendships
destroyed
without ever having the parties involved
asking for the truth....
....that'd be the real truth
not the truth of the mouth pieces...
but the truth of all the parties involved

I've seen people profess to be friends
and throw said friends over
for convenience
cos really?
it's easier to go to the parties
and play
than it is to examine your own truth

I've seen bosses
that profess engagement
and consideration
and teamwork
that micromanage
demand respect not on merit
but on title
that offer drama and spiralling tension
as engagement
and all round act the ass

I've seen religions brought to their knees
in the news
and spiritual groups shattered
and torn asunder
because apparently
it's better to follow your baser instincts
than be the kind of person or group
that is trustworthy and honourable

I see people touting
Peace, Hope and Love
the anthem of the 60's and 70's
that's still a pipe dream

and trust
the anthem of the masses
is a concept
not a fact
not an ability
not there.

Trust
is a fallacy
a concept
a hypothesis
a supposition
a fool notion
given gratuitously
for the benefit only of the giver

because most people,
while thinking themselves trustworthy
are only trustworthy
when it's convenient
to them
to allow them
to attain
whatever goals they have in mind

that's not trustworthy
that's corrupt.

I just wish
I could stop myself
from caring that I am surrounded by liars

Coasting..

I realized
while wandering through
the some 140 blogs
and different industry news feeds
that I peruse daily
and the resultant links
that I come across....

that there's a lot of people
that are really engaged
in their lives...

really excited
about their topics...

really invested
in what they are doing....

I don't seem to be
at the moment.

I'm coasting.

maybe it's the aftermath
of the blister's visit,
and all the resultant drama
(none of which landed on me
this time I am happy to say)

maybe it's the result of
seeing the light
at the end of the tunnel
debt wise...

or maybe it's that it's the portion
of my job's yearly cycle
where we start to wind down...

or maybe it's me feeling my age
and my shock over the very idea
that I'll be 55 in July
and here in BC that will qualify me
for "adult" housing...

coupled with the number of deaths
that have affected my soul
in one manner or another
since the New Year...

or my health - er lack thereof...

yet still the Dr's seem to be getting
things sorted slowly but surely
except for my eyes
and that's a work in progress too

and it's not like I can stop death anyway
I am a realist

or maybe it's the cacophony
of noise white, dark or otherwise
that grips my life
continually...
cos really?
there is no quiet in my life
when I live in a building
with paper thin walls
and neighbours with xbox
and surround sound...

or maybe it's just that I'm
worn out
tired
right
to
my
core.

I feel like I'm coasting...

I'm not writing often
I'm not reading much
I'm not doing housework
I'm not watchin marathon amounts of tv
I pretty much vegging
and not doing much
but playing with the puppy
and resting...

that can't be a bad thing?