Failure...

I've spent years
angling my life
towards the job
I now have

I cleaned up my act
I got clean
and
I got to be “an adult”
I got healthier...
I learned to compensate
for my lack of education
and I strove to get a job
worthy of myself

I worked hard
to get to a point
where I could do something
that could be construed as a career
not just a job
something that I could be proud of

so I got a job
at an “institution of higher learning”

I didn’t go to work there
because I thought I was smart
I know I am
I didn’t go there
because I had something to prove
I’ve proved all I need to in my life
and
I didn’t go there
because I think I’m better
I have no sense of entitlement
I felt that I earned it....

I went there because
I thought it was the payoff
I thought the big game plan
was gonna pay off in the end
that I could work
over the few years
I have to retirement
in a beautiful place,
surrounded by fair
and intelligent humans
and that for these years
I would be able to
work to live not live to work

So you will understand my disappointment
at finding out
that it was all a dream
and that façade is crumbling

Two days ago, Hysteria finally slipped a cog
and “accused” me of breathing too loud
yesterday, she full on snapped
and came flying out of her office,
slammed the door to the hall
and leaned over me at my desk
bearing down on me and
shrieking like the fishwife she’s turned out to be
all because I put my hand over my ear
while on the phone with a customer
to hear the person I talking
while she was barking orders
from the other room

There’s no question in my mind
that if I took all of the info
about what truly happened yesterday
and went to the “authorities”
I could take her to court and win

but for me that’s not the point
the point for me is the complete
and total
utter
disappointment
at having found myself in the position
to have to defend myself yet again

she's manic, menopausal,
and as a Gemini
it's like she's two people and one of them is full on nuts
so ya never know which person you are dealing with

she's a micro-manager of the minutiae
but can't organize her own damn calendar
and she's bitchy cos she went to Herbal Magic
and laid down 2500.00 to have them help her lose 25 lbs
and so far she's just hungry all the time

she's patronizing, condescending and a whiner
she's a gossip and a bully
she’s an I/me person
she talks over and through everyone
which just shows me how insecure she is

she's unethical and unintegral
I've got stories that would make you weep

she's an adrenaline junky and a hypocrite
and she's all about herself
there's nothing that one could consider
being related to "team work" about her
in spite of her constant touting
that she's a team player
and a good listener
(sometimes I think
she says all this stuff out loud
in feeble attempts
to convince herself that she's better than)

she's already caused one person to leave our office in early Nov
and the young woman she hired in her place
while a nice person
doesn't have the tools and/or the life skills
to deal with her particular brand of bullying
and since she hired her at 10,000.00 more a year than I make
I'm the person that's had to train her
cos the loon hired her and 4 days later took off on 6 weeks holidays

so she stood at my desk yesterday leaning across it screaming in my face
telling me "I am the director I will not allow you to ignore me, I will not allow you to be rude."
and I was trying to do is do my job

I've tried every "conflict resolution" skill I own
and I've done CR work my whole damn life
but she's got me stymied.
I think she's ill
I don’t think this is an instance where mediation will work
as she doesn’t recognize that there is a problem
the problem is not her
it is the rest of the world
and nothing is good enough for her
not either of the people working for her
nor her collegues and friends
(if they only knew the kind of things
she says about them
behind their backs)

20 minutes after this screaming episode yesterday
she wants to "hug" to show me she bears no grudges???

ya

no

the venom that came outta
that woman
I'll be a long time
dealing with....

she called me a victim
but I know
I am not

she took the few things
that she knows
about my personal life
and threw them at me like knives
and did not allow me rebuttal

all I could do was simply sit
and take all the abuse
she had to throw

because I know me
and had I even looked up at her
I’d have gone to jail

and then she would have won

so why do I feel like such a failure?
why do I feel like I've somehow failed?