Spring has sprung on the Island

Rhododendron's

Cherry Blossoms

magnolia blossoms


magnolia trees

In your dreams...

Who are you
in your dreams?

are you superwoman?
are you rich?
are you a star?
are you the mother of the year?
the business woman of the day?

just
who are you?

it occurred to me
this morning
that when I dream

I am not going on 52 yrs old
I am not a "plus" size person
and I am not bald

When I dream
I am young (20-35)
I am lithe
I am athletic

I have a huge head of long hair
like I did when I was that age

and I am often as wize
as I am now
as opposed to the
younger "not so" wize
person I was then....

but the weirdest thing
is that in my dreams
I have Crohn's Disease

not the horrendous disease
of my youth
the "suck me dry"
and leave me wasted disease

but the almost "manageable" disease
I have grown to now...

and that's just weirder than weird

So
Who are you
in your dreams?

True Stories

Everybody has a true story
and if you "listen" very carefully
you can really "hear" it

there's the story they tell
there's the story the want you to see
and then there is the true story
the reality
the one they don't even tell themselves

sometimes you find out that
we as people are more alike than you think

and some times you are completely blindsided
by the vehemence of what they want you to believe

if you are smart
you will
listen carefully
because
truth always will out
in the end

The Art of Doing Nothing

there's something to be said
for simply
doing nothing

for spending some time
with nothing to do

no housework
no laundry
no reading
no work
no computer
no tv
no yakkin on the phone with friends
no nothing

what happens
is you that you can
develop the ability
to truly reflect

so in my case today
it's reflection ....about myself

don't get me wrong
I'm not an "it's all about me"
kinda person

but I often wonder
what it is
about myself
that people like
or don't

is it cos I'm fair
is it cos I'm witty
is it cos I'm not a threat
(contrary to popular belief)
is it cos I'm funny

if I spend time truly reflecting about
what it is that makes me really feel
good about myself
I have to admit
that mostly
it's about my relationships
with others

I love loving my family
and I love loving my friends

sometimes it makes me an easy mark
but most of the time
it's about reciprocity

it's about doing something
when others
are doing nothing

so I guess
the art of doing nothing
has nothing to do with nothing

I'm in the wrong business!

My boss just told me a story
her step daughter
has paid off $80,000.00
in school loans
in a year
by working a sex line

she says that this particular woman
weighs 325 lbs
has horn rimmed glasses
and sits in her living room
talking dirty to men

and for this
she gets paid
big big bucks

"how'zat?" says I
"I think maybe
I' m in the wrong business!"

she goes on to say that the step-daughter says
that most of the guys
just wanna talk about
hockey anyway

"well then that let's me out
I don't know squat about hockey!"

It's 11:30 at night

It's 11:30 at night
and once again
I'm too tired to sleep

I thought 8 fucking hours
of mind numbing
data entry
today
would tire me enough
to sleep till Tues

but no such luck
11:30 and I'm old
that's like 2 full hours past my bedtime dammit!

my head is fulla
shit
and it won't shut up again

did ya know that my shit talks?
actually it mutters
alla time
non stop
running commentary on every little thing

"are you gonna fall down them stairs?"
"wouldn't it be awful if you fell down them stairs and broke yer front teeth"
"if ya fell down them stairs you'd get some time off"
"who dressed you like this?"
"get offa the couch and do something!"
"naw - don't do anything...just sit and become Jabba the Hut!"
"go for a ride!"
"did you eat enough?"
"this place looks like pigs live here"
"shaddup"
"you were supposed to call for perscriptions today?"
"wonder what size of a boat it would take to get me up waterskiing"
"OMFG I'm full"
"who told you that you could lay down?"
"don't forget to call Chris and Arlene and tell them about the dog food recall"
"I thought you were going to order a bra and sneakers from Sears today"
"did your mother let you out looking like that?"
"jayzuz"
"yer psychotic"
"no - you're psychotic"
"shut up"
"no you shut up"
"I need a belt my pants are falling down"
"you wish yer fuckin pants were falling down"
"lay down"
"did you turn off the stove?"
"lay down"
"do I hear water?"
"lay down"
"yer psychotic"
"lay down dammit"
"is it rainin?"
"will it rain on Sunday?"
"when will I stop coughing?"
"lay down"
"yer psychotic"
"shaddup and lay down ya fuckin tool!"

until I get into bed and relax
and then it shrills and screeches

"did you take yer pills?"
"then why are you still awake?"
"do I smell smoke?"
"is someone in my yard?
"shut up dummy?"
"I need to buy a car"
"who's gonna fund that?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"do I smell smoke?"
"did you take yer pills?"
"go to sleep"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

sometimes
if I get the right combination
of tired
and bored
I can get to sleep
like normal people

but most nights it's the muttering
till the shrilling and screeching
"SHUT THE FUCK UP and GO TO SLEEP!"

"does anybody else hear music?"

Once Upon a Time....

giving credit where credit is due

once upon a time I belonged to an all woman riding club
they weren't anywhere near me (the closest member to me being a couple of hundred miles away) so we kept in touch via the Internet

I adored many of these woman and was impressed with the strength, sisterhood and solidarity I found there - I wasn't too keen on their version of "hierarchy" but went with the flow because it made sense to do so if I wanted to be a "real" member

over time I did get to become a "real" member - with the assistance of one or some of the ladies that I'd grown close to - I took an oath to the person at the top - to hold her first....to be full and true

Then there came a day when it all went wrong

for whatever reason some of the ladies made some radical changes (I was never privy to the whys and wherefores)

these changed completely threw the lady at the top for a loop

she and the person that was closest to me geographically and the only person that I'd met physically told me that the changes were as a result of a lack of "integrity" in the woman that were forcing the change - that they were in fact staging a coup and trying to take the club that she had started away from her

my fairness gene kicked in and I chose to stand with these 2 women
and as a result a truly disturbing time came along...
the end result being that I completely severed communication from all of them...
(see what happens when you take people at their word? and how easily words can me miscontrued when there is no facial expression to go with them?)

it left such a void in my life....I had no contact with any of them for over a year and then I happened to run into some of them on one of the forums I frequent.
I almost quit the forum because by that time I was sure that the lady at the top and her friend that I was closest to had lied to me - I had no proof - only gut feelings and I was both saddened and embarrassed for having been taken the fool (we all know how well I deal with that shyte)

I decided to "impersonate an adult" and stay on the forum but to steer clear of the ladies I knew so as to avoid any kind of public displays or perhaps confrontations

but I still missed all those ladies and another year went by with me vicariously spotting them on that forum

recently, at the behest of another friend, I made application to be in touch with some/most of those ladies again....I just decided that the worst thing that they could say was no....and then I'd be no worse off than I am today

and after some discussion and explanations
I have been given a chance (in my eyes) to return....I explained that I thought I was following my oath....but in the end I don't think all of them believed me and in fairness, they were likely as hurt by my actions as I was by their's.

here's the thing - one lady alone had such a profound effect on me that I eventually started the sister blog to this one in which I post daily "quotes" as this particular lady has done so on the women's site in many variations for years

this particular lady seems to be the person hardest bit by my having followed the lead of the lady at the top at the time....my impression is that she must feel betrayed by my actions...no matter what my explanation is or was.

this particular lady - of all the ladies there, can not or will not speak to me as I guess I have yet to prove myself worthy - or trustworthy

but I can't help but thinking the fact that I really have to give credit where credit is due...and even if she won't talk to me and never does again - I just have to put it out there that she truly affected me in a positive and profound way - and for that I am truly thankful

Thank you Linda.
No more and no less

today's hororscope - pretty eerie

Leo
July 22 - August 22In some ways, today may seem like a day of reckoning for you, dear Leo, in which you look in the mirror and see parts of you that you are really not very happy with. Perhaps there is a sense of shame that is present within you based on events of the past that still linger close behind you. Don't let this shadow of insecurity continue to dwell in your life. Work through these feelings and identify the root of the problem.

Is anybody else?

Is anybody else
having trouble
with this early time change?

I don't ever remember
it being this hard to get on top of

I broke another clock radio today
at least it hit the door jam
and didn't punch a hole in the wall

so I'm at work
but I'm seriously
impersonating an adult today
ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shhhhhhhhhhh

it's a secret....

Satan is living
inside my boss

and I think he's trying
to bust out!

today the woman
gives me a freakin 40 minute speach
all about how she's figured out
that I'm "hiding" behind my weight
and that I should let the real me out

I damn near slapped her
I was able to stop myself

but she keep on needling me
until I snapped

so....
I told her that she continues
to talk to me
like I'm stupid
er something

and I'm not
I know full well why I'm overweight
besides the over riding health issues

the very fact that
my whole identity was tied up
in my "beauty" for the first 3/4ths of my life
and that fact
coupled with the fact that I was
raped and sodomized for years
on account of - or as a result of
that "beauty"
was a deciding factor
in my weight gain

the "expectations" that evolved
in the people around me
due to my "beauty"
made me insane...
....literally

so I got fat
and bald
and those expectations
went away

and I turned and walked away
to a stunned silence

betcha she thinks twice
about needling me
about personal stuff
again....

I had forgotten

I had forgotten about these
but my friend LD's Lobotomy Labyrinth
reminded me of them
on her blog today

remember Foamy?

this one should be repeated!

I posted this one this morning on my "quote blog" but it should be repeated here.....

Driving a motorcycle is a sensual, visceral, and immediate response. It’s the blast of air parting in an almost physical way around your body. It's the feel of heavy steel machinery between you thigh’s and knees as you move through turns, running a good road on a clear morning. It's the taste of wet grass, deep woods, damp river banks, and freshly cut hay that finds its way to the back of your throat. You know and experience what is around you and feel the very sensation of motion itself, in a way that you never can behind the wheel of a car. In a car you drive a road; on a motorcycle you feel it.

On a motorcycle every rise and dip, every change in surface or cant, every turn and straightway, is a temporal and physical experience. In a car you are enclosed, removed from what is without by the machinery that moves you, the windshield, the air-conditioning, the heater, the radio, the upholstered cradle of your seat, the locked doors the surrounding frame, they all separate you from the reality of the road and the weather. On a motorcycle the machine and the environment are an integral part of the experience. Coming home in the afternoon, the sun touches your shoulders with great warm hands. Somewhere in the middle of a long day of riding - especially on curves, where the lean and torque, body and bike angle, gravity and speed, determine the physics and the line of movement - the machine becomes an extension of the body, a melding of what is human and what is mechanical.

- Karen Larsen "Breaking the Limit"

My perspective

On Feb 22 I told you about my friend Bill

Bill spent last week in the hospital

On Thursday they told him he had 2 weeks

so his wife madly arranged for him to come home

hospital bed

round the clock care

etc

Bill came home Friday

and passed away a couple of hours later

it was like he was waiting to come home

and say goodbye

R.I.P.

Bill

(have I mentioned that I'm getting tired of burying friends?)

Mercury is in Retrograde!

My friend Tam reminds me that
mercury is retrograde...

I slap myself on the forehead!
how could I have forgotten?
what was I thinking?

mercury is tryin to kill me!

so much trippy shit has gone on since the 14th
(when the planet slipped into retrograde)
that I'm at a loss as to where to start talking about it....

but here's one thing

last night I got home from work at 6:35pm....
tried my key on the building door and it doesn't work...
try my 2nd key and it don't work....
walk all the way round the building to the lobby
and there's a sign on the front door
stating that the "manager"
(and I use that term loosely)
has changed the outside door locks
and we can pick up our keys
between 4 and 5 pm
and that he's going out of province
for 2 weeks as of tomorrow morning

did I mention it's now like 6:45?

....so I ring the buzzer to his apt...
no answer...
I ring again...
no answer....
now I'm layin on the damn buzzer
beep diddy beep da beep beep beep!
...no answer
...so I walk around the building
to his living room window
and start hammering on it
(guess I'm lucky he don't own a gun -
but shit this is my home!)
...he finally comes to the door...
and lets me in and hands me
one key that is stamped "do not copy"

so I tell him I want a 2nd key...
he tells me I can't have one...
I tell him I've lived in the building 10 years
and I want a 2nd key
...he says "what for?"
I say...
none of your fuckin business
gimme a 2nd key..
he says..."we don't want every Tom Dick and Harry
to have keys to the building"

I say...
then stop renting apartments
to crackheads!
he says he takes exception to that remark
I say - before he was the manager
we never had no Voodoo Gods in the building
threatening to rain down his legion of terror
and cut me into small pieces!
I say before he became the manager
we never had no apartment dwellers
involved in a knife fight in the parking lot
I say before he became the manager
I never had not 1
not 2
not even 3
but 4 fucking showers in my living room
I've lived here for 10 years and never had a problem
and I want a 2nd key...

OMG!
Mercury is just fuckin with me!
but I got my 2nd key!