Tick Tick Tick.....

I'm anxious for 2008 to be over...

Yule was pleasant if quiet here, then we got enough snow to fell an ox and my fadder came and took me to the cuz's house and I've just now made it home - the parking lot is a mess so I don't know when I'll get out...but I don't have to go back to work till the 5th...so it's all good

Ya'll may remember that Christmas is not one of my favorite times of year for one reason or another...

This year so far has been different in that I spent it with the cuz n family...we ate too much, laughed a lot...and talked frankly about most of the people that were missing - there was just enough chocolate, just enough goodies and just enough quiet (hard to imagine in a house with an 8 and 10 yr old)

Also frankly...if I was any more relaxed I'd slide offa this chair into a puddle on the floor.

This season has been a time for reminiscing for me: it was a year ago that I called the bother from the side of the road (on my way to work) suffering from as close to a full breakdown as I ever have...I told him that I couldn't do this job of caring for the VOD alone anymore and that for the first time in my life I was not asking, but begging for help.

He advised that he would...but nothing happened.

Fast forward to July and I'm in the interior on holidays when the bother calls to say there's sommat "wrong" with the VOD. He advises he will check up on her and call me back. He didn't.

When I called him the next day he advised that there was still sommat wrong. So instead of him driving 200 kms on the same Island to check on her (cos really...he's "a busy man with a full life you know"), I came careening back some 700kms and found her laying in a puddle of her own piss, completely dehydrated and incoherent, not having eaten for days and drinking only scotch.

It was me that cleaned her up enough to keep her from being embarrassed at the hospital, and it was me that took her to the hospital. And it was me that told the truth when she lied to the Dr's and nurses...and it was me that let the bother know..

The very next day the bother shows up, his teenaged daughter in tow and wham bam! he's in charge and gonna fix everything. It was off putting and dismissive...but in the end his decision to take her up to his home was what I wanted/needed and she of course rose to the occassion (of course she would for her "golden boy") and off she went for 2.5 mths.

Two and a half months of alone for the first time in almost 10 years. I found I liked it...so ya'll will understand how upset it was when it ended. Abruptly.

It started out that the bother came down and tore apart the spare room in her apartment for his 17 yr old son to live there while attending University. At no charge of course...cos the golden boy is broke...(fuck...he still does broke better than any human being I know)

So there's boxes of crap in the livingroom, so many piles of crap in the bedroom that she simply has a path to her bed and can't actually get in one of her dressers...and a pile of bins in the yard to show how much the bother cares. He dropped the boy off and that was the end of it....hasn't been back since.

So the VOD moved home. She says she moved home to give the bother and his new woman "space" but mostly it's cos she can't keep up the facade there and continue to drink...and she likes being able to hover at the window when the boy don't come home, or do his laundry, or pay for his grub (where was all this money when I was paying her rent???)

So I'm back to being the beck and call girl...and I don't mind telling ya....I don't much like it.

In the meantime the fadder and his partner of 10 years split up...and the bother offers to let him park his trailer in the bother's yard while he's getting things back on track. But the bother's new woman has issues with the fadder and will not allow the fadder in the house when she's there...and of course she's gutless enough to make the bother do the lockdown...so here's the poor fadder at 77 yrs of age...living in a 17 ft trailer and holding his piss till the woman goes in to work in the mornings.

How very welcoming. How very family oriented. How very christian. (what's that line about casting stones?)

I've tried to talk to the bother, but he's so busy following in his mother's footsteps that he laughed at me when I told him I was ashamed of the way he was treating our fadder. I'm appalled actually. Even though my fadder wouldn't have won the kinds of parenting accolades that the bother seems to be so sure that he himself deserves...he's still our fadder...and common garden variety courtesy wouldn't be remiss.

The bother is so much like the VOD it scares me sometimes....put yer head down and bull through it...even when you know from the onset that you've made a mistake....and if that don't work...drink...cos that always helps....

fuck eh?

that's my family...they put the dys in dysfunction.

And then there's the ex-friend that broke my heart and almost broke my mind. Thirty four years ago I gave a daughter up for adoption. It was not an easy decision and I agonized about it plenty over the years. For 34 years everything I knew about her was supposition. And beleive me when I say...I thought a lot...as in every single day for 34 years.

In the late spring the woman whom I cherished most as a friend and sister in the world chose to (without my knowledge or consent) find my daughter for me.

Because I'm so sad she said. Because in her whole career she's been told by oh so many people "how did you know I needed that? I didn't even know I needed that!"

I simply do not have the words to describe how this one little arrogant step on her part brought my world...and that of many of my family members crashing down around us. Over the course of the summer I tried and tried again to salvage some semblence of friendship with her and her husband...but it didn't work and eventually I had to face reality and understand that they are both incapable of accepting responsibility for their actions. They defer accountability at every turn...

So I am left with more knowledge of my daughter than I had before...but no permission as yet. So I am less than "in supposition"
I am now "on hold" in the daughter portion of my life...(a small thought though...wouldn't a 53 yr old plus sized, bald, tattoo'd biker be a shock to you if you'd just discovered that she was your birth mother? Maybe some day she'll be able to get by that and find out who I really am)

On top of all this, I have had some very stellar people rally around me...not take my side, but rally in love and friendship (they build and burn their own bridges - thank you very much) and I am honoured at the trust and respect I have found in them....still....

Suffice it to say...I'm about done with 2008

One of these Mornings -Moby & Patti Labelle

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
I'll be gone...

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
I'll be gone...

One of these mornings
One of these mornings
Won't be very long
Won't be very long
You will look for me
You will look for me
I'll be gone...
I'll be gone...

I'll be gone...
I'll be gone...
I'll be gone...
I'll be gone...
I'll be gone...

You will look for me
I'll be gone...
You will look for me
I'll be gone...
You will look for me
I'll be gone...
You will look for me
I'll be gone

One of these mornings
Won't be very long
You will look for me
I'll be gone.

Happy Yule

I went to a "seasonal" party last night
with some old friends
I haven't seen for a while

decided pretty much last minute
to not drive
and let someone else
pick me up
and take me
(thanks Zeek!)

there's something to be said
for the kinda relaxation
that comes from
sitting on yer ass
not worrying about
"Snowpocalypse" or "Snowmageddon"

well....
that and a couple of
wobbly pops
LoL

we didn't stay long
but we had a good meal
a lot of laughs
a gift exchange
and some more laughs

as a result
I slept like a baby
and didn't actually crawl out
till after 8AM!!

one of my friends got a pic
of me with my eyes open
and my mouth shut!

what a novelty

I told him he'd succeeded where
thousands have failed LoL
so this picture is as a result of
the pic he took










wishing you all a Cool Yule

another friend saw the picture
and said
she immediately thought
of Lucy
from Charlie Brown
and so she
sent me this...
















No matter what you think of the season
and it's trapping
and commercialism

No mater what religious
or spiritual beliefs
or paths
you follow....

I wish you all
peace
I wish you all health
and
I wish you all love

so mote it be!

Hello from White Trash Hell

so the Property Management Co that manages this building has finally been convinced that there is a need of some repairs to be done - so currently they are redoing balconies...none too soon either...some of them proved to be rotten right through when they got the soffit off....

however....

the weather of course...is not cooperating

I've come home several times over the last week er two to find my personal belongs in my yard rearranged to make their work easier - no harm no foul if they would put it back...but they don't

I've come home several times to find the gate wide open (good thing I still don't have a dog...er it'd be gone!)

I have a row of framed Gilbert Williams art cards on the valance in my living room. They've hung there for 10 years - through several floods caused by the incorrect repairs to the balcony above. Yesterday I came home to four of them on the floor...with either broken frames or broken glass...

today is the first time I've been able to look out the window in the daylight to see the mess that they've created

apparently I shouldn't have looked!

they've broken some items in my yard...mostly due to the fact that they've moved them when they were frozen and didn't use the care that I would as I own them....

I was woken up today at 7:30 AM (so much for sleeping in on your day off!) by the sound of hammers and loud music...because apparently people who work in construction can't do it without some sort of thrash music to hammer by

and apparently it's impossible to hammer to rock n roll...
now it's zydeco at warp factor 8

so...here I sit...in white trash hell
reminding myself that the only reason I'm staying here is the low rent...
and I just have to bide my time to get some crap paid off
and watch the real estate market further flounder
until I can pack up my cares and woes and move!

Have a Little Faith - John Hiatt

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me
And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

And when your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darling, from a whisper start
And have a little faith in me
And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you, you will see
I will catch you, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Cause I've been loving you, for such a long, long time
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
Cause for us, there is no end
And all you gotta do, is have a little faith in me
I will hold you up, I will hold you up
And your love, gives me strength enough to
Have a little faith in me
Hey hey
All you gotta do for me girl
Is have a little faith in me

Meme from me to you...

I stole this from Witchypoo….who stole it herself!

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done and don’t want to - leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars. Uhuh!
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. (see the Sheldon Christmas story)
7. Been to Disneyland/World. Not interested in any way shape or form
8. Climbed a mountain. Have we met?
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo. Not so much
11. Bunge jumped. – never ever ever gonna happen
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. Oh yeah baby!
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. Doh – do crafts count?
15. Adopted a child. – let’s leave that one where jayzuz flung it shall we?
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Again… never ever ever gonna happen
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. Not so much!
20. Slept on an overnight train.. also kept lots of people awake
21. Had a pillow fight..
22. Hitch hiked.. back and forth across the country several times in me misspent yout!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.. Helllooo Hitlery!
24. Built a snow fort.. I’m from the Great White North ya know?
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping..Oh, yeah….and got caught by both our parents…ever seen a full body blush?
27. Run a Marathon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice..
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.. not since I moved to this Island…there’s a Mtn in the way!
31. Hit a home run.. who knew? I played baseball as a kid…
32. Been on a cruise..
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person..
34.the Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.. the only country I want to see outside of this continent is Ireland
35. Seen an Amish community.. They didn’t like my motorpickle…
36. Taught yourself a new language..does sign language count?
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.. once upon a time…then I fell in love and that was the end of the fairy tail…*sigh*
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.. not in a long long time LoL
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David.
41. Sung karaoke..owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww does baying at the moon count?
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt..
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant..I’m a sucker for a hard luck story
44. Visited Africa..
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.. Oh, yeah baby (shhhhhh!)
46. Been transported in an ambulance.. more times that I’d care to count…I have frequent flyer miles with them!
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing..
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person..
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris..
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.. .
52. Kissed in the rain.. yum!...uhm…..never mind
53. Played in the mud.. speakin of never mind!
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.. ever hear the story of how I became a motorcyclist?
55. Been in a movie..
56. Visited the Great Wall of China..
57. Started a business..
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia – I drank lots of black Russians…does that count?
60. Served at a soup kitchen..
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies.
62. Gone whale watching..
63. Gotten flowers for no reason..
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma.. can’t – too many drugs in my system
65. Gone sky diving… Again… never ever ever gonna happen
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp..
67. Bounced a check.. not intentionally
68. Flown in a helicopter..
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy..books count eh?
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial..
71. Eaten Caviar. Ugh!
72. Pieced a quilt….many many times
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job…and damn near got arrested at the same time!
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London. Ottawa.
77. Broken a bone… have we met?
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. Ohhh yeahhhhh baby! Own one LoL
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person..
80. Published a book.. bok bok bok
81. Visited the Vatican.. there’d be a big clap o thunder and a fire…I just know it!
82. Bought a brand new car.. more’n once!
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.. and not just under the 10 most wanted list!
85. Read the entire Bible.. nobody gets where I am without leveling the playing field
86. Visited the White House..
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.. worked for a trapper
88. Had chickenpox.. And Mumps & Measles.
89. Saved someone’s life..
90. Sat on a jury..
91. Met someone famous.. fame is in the eye of the beholder
92. Joined a book club..
93. Lost a loved one.. nuff said?
94. Had a baby. Nuff said
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake..
97. Been involved in a law suit..
98. Owned a cell phone..
99. Been stung by a bee.. whilst riding that speeding mc no less…can we say owwie?

For all the Mothers out there

Someone brought this to my attention yesterday
(I can't remember who just now...sorry)
it surely reminded me of my mother...

so for all you moms out there

Playing Cards

my friend Louie sent this...
she says it's us playing cards
at Ed's place
on Saturday night...

Of Snow and Cars....

We got socked over the weekend…

Victoria got a fair amount of snow…

But I happened to be at a weekend getaway with a bunch of friends in a place called Cedar outside Nanaimo....there was 16 inches on the deck at the back of the house by yesterday morning first thing…and by the time it stopped snowing yesterday in the late afternoon they were saying 26 inches...and it was colder n a witch's teat!

Vancouver Island simply doesn’t have the winter plans that NW ON does.

that's the LadyBug along with the " red go fast car" that belongs to Louie...buried!










So we stayed longer…an extra day….yesterday my buddy Ed spent an hour digging my car out after the snow...sorta....then this morning it took myself and Snoozie half an hour of shoveling and pushing, a little laughter and a whole lot of swearing to get my little car to the road…the normally 15 minute trip from their road to the highway at Nanaimo took close to an hour…and the hour and 20 minute trip from Nanaimo to Victoria and then to my village took close to 3 hours....and that's not counting the time I spent pulled over calming myself down on the side of the road...Gawd there are some really really bad drivers out there!

I’ve never before been that afraid of driving in winter. My little red car thinks it’s a buoy…bobbing around when the wind hits it or sliding over the ice like it’s on skates…sheesh!

I am reminded of the blister's Honda civic when I say this…but the car formerly known as “the ladybug” will henceforth be known as “that piece of shit get stuck everywhere” car.

I love my little car all the rest of the time…but full on winter…not so much.

Stop Thief!

I think there must be
a sock monster
living in my house
















how can I
have possibly gone
from owning 30 prs
of socks
to only being able
to find 4 pair
over the course
of 2 weeks?

~I'm just sayin~

Back to Basics....aka WyzWmn 101

when all else fails...
get back to basics....

Earth my body...

Water my blood...

Air my breath...

FIRE! my spirit...

Full Circle

Bright Blessings...

so mote it be

Christmas with Sheldon...a true Christmas epiphany

For years and years I too hated Christmas…too much brouhaha in my books…then I had a Christmas epiphany…no small feat for a non-Christian…but here goes

I always put huge store in Christmas…because I was raised in a huge family and I had believed all my life that "family" is what Christmas was about…My Father’s birthday is the twenty-third and my uncle’s was the twenty-fifth and as a child we always did the big Christmas/birthday celebration…but as time goes on things change and you discover that "family" are people too…and they have foibles…they mess up…and things never quite live up to your expectations.

In the early ‘90’s my Mother moved to BC leaving me to live in the old family home in Thunder Bay. My brother was newly married to woman that put the "C" in control. (and another word that I won’t use here!) She didn’t like cooking when I was around and for many years I thought it was because she was intimidated by the fact that both my mother and I have cooked for a living at one time or another…turns out she’s
just lazy, opinionated and lazy…but that’s a story for another day.

So Mom moves to BC, Dad and my sister are in Toronto and I am faced with the prospect of cooking the whole Christmas shebang at my brother and sister-in-law’s house. My sister-in-law has invited her whole family so I am cooking a 27lb turkey and all the trimmings. Two kinds of stuffing (one for each end) 3 kinds of salad and 4 vegetables, mashed spuds, gravy, pickles etc etc and top it all off with Figgie Pudding…(I’m from a go big er go home kinda family)

Five days before Christmas my sister-in-law calls me and informs me that I am "allowed" to come to her house for an hour between 6 and 7 AM to stuff the bird and put it in the oven…but then I need to leave for the day so she can have some "quality" time with her family.

Can you guess where I told her to put her bird? *ahem*

So Christmas morning dawns and I am alone. I am not answering the phone…and I am depressed….as my Father used to say, "I am lower than whale shit and that is on the bottom of the ocean! We are having a good old North Western Ontario blizzard and as I listen to the radio I am overcome both with the concept that I can’t get away from Christmas (it’s just freakin everywhere) and that I am alone. So I jump in my truck and head out to the local truck stop for breakfast. Somewhere where there’s people and noise.

On my way to the truck stop I drive past the Greyhound Bus Depot and while it is closed I spot and elderly man in a summer weight suit huddled in the doorway.

I drive by…then go around the block and drive by again. Something about this situation tweaks my conscience and I cannot get the picture of this man out of my head.

On my third pass I pull into the parking lot and lean out my window. "Are you ok?" I ask. This tiny elderly fellow looks up at me and with tears running down his face and a black eye that would rival a heavy weight boxer says, "I’ll do."

"Well no…he won’t do." I think as I watch him shiver and shudder. So I offer to let him in my truck. I’m thinking that if it turns out he’s got a gun…I certainly won’t feel any worse off than I already do this Christmas.

At first he refuses. But then with some cajoling and conversation he eventually climbs in and I take him to the truck stop to warm him up and maybe get him some food. He refuses to eat but allows as I could buy him a "cup of cocoa".

As he thaws out he tells me his story. He tells me his name is Sheldon Shepherd. He left Vancouver 3 days ago on his way to London ON to spend Christmas with his family. He was traveling by Greyhound. In the bathroom in the Thunder Bay bus terminal he is mugged…robbed…and knocked out.

Because he is old school and won’t ask for help when he comes to… he doesn’t tell anyone, his grandkid’s Christmas presents are gone, as is his coat and wallet. He finds himself outside of the depot, the depot closed, in a blizzard with a lump on his head the size of Santa. Areas of his story seem lacking to me…but he’s got this lump and no coat and no money…so…

I am filled with righteous indignation and I insist that he allow me to call the police. They come and after all is said and done I find out that they can get him another bus ticket to London but they have to find a judge to authorize the funds and besides there is no bus running thru till the twenty-sixth. One of the police officers suggests that this sad soul go to the local homeless shelter. I’ve never been there but I know where it is so I agree to drive him there.

Sheldon is quiet on his way to the shelter. He confides in me as we are pulling into the parking lot that he’s never had to accept charity before and not comfortable with it now. I fully understand. I have never been able to look a homeless person in the eye. I have always been consumed with guilt and the thought that there but for the grace of all the gods go I.

In we go.

My first impression was that we were entering a jail. We walked in thru the front door to be confronted with locked double doors and a "security guard". Sheldon is pulling back so I tell the guard his story and the guard opens the locked doors to allow us into the shelter telling us to "find Rick".

As we enter I am assaulted by a cacophony of sounds and smells….lots of them not so pleasant. There is a riot of color and furniture and bodies everywhere…there are people sleeping standing up against walls and on the stairs and tired used old blankets clutched in dirty little children’s fingers.

Slowly as I become accustomed to the "ambiance" I begin to see Christmas in this room. There are bits of tinsel hanging from dirty stocking caps set jauntily over dirty faces. There’s what can only be called a “Charlie Brown Christmas tree” in the corner and there are new socks and new gloves on many hands and feet…and lots of the people that are awake are smiling.

I don’t understand.

Across the room is the big serving window to the kitchen but I see no one on the other side…as I start across the room I hear the unmistakable sound of dishes smashing to the floor and a resounding "well Damn it!" from behind the wall. I peek around a see a harried fellow, in half a Santa suit picking up broken dishes and muttering. He’s bald on top and the rest of his hair is pulled into a pony tail…but he’s been busy because he hair is coming loose and looking somewhat electric.

"Rick?" I ask. This frantic man turns to me and blesses me with the biggest gap tooth smile and says…"yup…hiya! What can I do for you?"

I explain Sheldon’s story and Rick tells me no problem he can stay here over night. He then turns to Sheldon and says,"I don’t suppose you can cook?"

"Why?" says Sheldon and I at once.

Turns out that the volunteer church group that was to cook the shelter’s Christmas dinner won’t be coming because of the storm. Rick says that Christmas is always a banner time for the shelter food wise…"people assuage their guilt by giving at Christmas". The end result is that he has tons of food and no cooks.

"Hmmmmmm," says I, "maybe I can help"

Long story short…we have Christmas dinner for close to 200. Sheldon isn’t a cook but he’s a mean dishwasher and clean up kinda guy…and we recruit a couple of people from the shelter and we are off… We have roast beef and turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing made in pans instead of in the bird and spaghetti with sauce and buckets of chocolate pudding.

We have Christmas Carols and laughter and hugs and tears and handclasps from dirty little fingers. By 10 PM I am completely and totally physically exhausted, sweaty and hot, hot, hot… but as I turn to survey the room I have an my first of many Christmas epiphanies.

Christmas is not about receiving the love from my family that I believe is my due. It’s not about the gifts, and the lights and the stores etc. Christmas is truly about the giving. In any way shape or form. Sheldon passed away in 1996 but I still hear from his daughter Janice…once a year at Christmas. In the more than 10 years since this event occurred in my life, I’ve sent this story out to online friends far and wide...and as a result there are “Christmas with Sheldon” parties all over North America designed by people who have been moved by Sheldon’s story to assist people that have “less than” we do. (I even have two to attend here this year!) Not people we believe are less than us because we don’t get to judge. But people that have less than us for whatever reason…and they don’t just happen at Christmas.

Here I am more than 10 years later understanding that Sheldon’s plight could have occurred to anyone of us at any time in our lives. Sheldon coming into my life was a true blessing and a life changing moment and my telling of Sheldon’s story to others is not my right but my responsibility.

It is truly the best that I can do.

the next chapter?

Flo over at "Goin with the Flo Conga II" reminded me of this today

this song brings back some memories
of things that I'd thought best forgotten
and yet have been trying
to get back to writing about...

it'll happen...
I'm sure....
I'm just not sure when....

Sam Stone...by John Prine
(lyrics below if ya want to follow along)

Sam Stone came home,
To his wife and family
After serving in the conflict overseas.

And the time that he served,
Had shattered all his nerves,
And left a little shrapnel in his knee.

But the morphine eased the pain,
And the grass grew round his brain,
And gave him all the confidence he lacked,
With a Purple Heart and a monkey on his back.

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.
Mmm....

Sam Stone's welcome home
Didn't last too long.
He went to work when he'd spent his last dime

And Sammy took to stealing
When he got that empty feeling
For a hundred dollar habit without overtime.

And the gold rolled through his veins
Like a thousand railroad trains,
And eased his mind in the hours that he chose,
While the kids ran around wearin' other peoples' clothes...

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.
Mmm....

Sam Stone was alone
When he popped his last balloon
Climbing walls while sitting in a chair

Well, he played his last request
While the room smelled just like death
With an overdose hovering in the air

But life had lost its fun
And there was nothing to be done
But trade his house that he bought on the G. I. Bill
For a flag draped casket on a local heroes' hill.

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes,
Jesus Christ died for nothin' I suppose.
Little pitchers have big ears,
Don't stop to count the years,
Sweet songs never last too long on broken radios.
Mmm....

The Lord of the Rings...

where did you first learn about
LOR?

how old were you when you first read
the trilogy?

I was 14
the same age as the final book...
but I found it here first

it was my second LP

Van Hunt - Daredevil Baby

Found this over to Sista Toldja

and I'm thinkin it makes some nice Friday night listening....

clown's really just a man who
once dared to make his dreams come true
and make up hides the damage from the crash and burn
when he told her that he loved her

the wind was blowing way to strong that day
the clouds drifted and the trees swayed
words are the chances that we take
words/[some things] are better left unexplained

you don't know anything
till you open up your heart
and find that you can't stop bleeding
til you playing with your cards out on the table flying
flying without wings
your a daredevil baby
your a daredevil baby

he fell hard in love as he [progressed]?
he looked but she was nowhere to be found
he hoped she'd soon forget
everything that he had shared

you don't know anything
till you open up your heart
and find that you can't stop bleeding
til you playing with your cards out on the table flying
flying without wings
you're a daredevil baby
you're a daredevil baby

girl i want to be a superman
give me half a chance
girl i want to be a superman
give me half a chance

girl i wanta be a superman
give me half a chance
girl i wanna be a super man
give me half a chance

the eyes have it ....again....

I'm still having the devil of a time with my eyes

for the first time in my life I understand the term "tired eyes" and when they are not tired they are sore or itchy...

my extending or "big picture" vision is ok for the most part...it's the minute stuff that's a challenge...I have to work at focusing for reading the written word on the page or on the screen

The prescribed drops..while working on the big issue...burn like a sonofabitch....however, we've pretty much been able to ascertain that these headaches are stemming from overuse of my eyes coupled with the Cogan's Dystrophy and I sincerely hope there's been no long term damage...

My computer time is limited because of the focusing issue and this new medication makes me much more light sensitive (like I needed help eh?) so I have to save the lion's share of what time I have for work...cos I do have to pay rent

the real kicker for me is the doing nothing when I'm off thing...I can sit still with the best of them, that's as a result of years of being sick...but for the last 10 years if I'm not on line...I'm reading or watching TV....

and right now it's not like I can read or watch TV - but I can drive...cos I can see the big picture....

bah!

Yup...I am once again...a paradox of my own making...

I have no idea how long it will be before I can go back to spending regular time on line...and I'm sorry for that... I feel like I'm letting people down

but I also know if I don't take care of my eyes...I may damage them permanently...and that would mean that I'd be this kind of limited this for the rest of my life...

I mean really.... I worked as a volunteer for the Ride for Sight for 20 years.... I musta learned nuttin!

Vindication!

I’ve been fighting with my GP for 4 years over an ongoing issue with my eyes. In the last 21 days I have lost 8 days of work – I wake up feeling like there is glass in my eyes…they start to run – pour actually…which involves my sinuses and I end up in bed with a sinus headache that is only cured by dark, sleep and quiet…just like a migraine only not quite…(and just try to find some quiet in this freakin building I tell ya!)

For 4 years I’ve been under the impression (from my GP) that I have Lagophthalmos – and treating my eyes for same with little or no respite. I’ve been putting gel in my eyes and taping my damn eye’s shut at night cos the GP said it was my eyes opening a crack while I sleep that was causing the problem.

Last Wednesday I went to the Dr and told him I wanted a referral to an ophthalmologist…(I actually had one of my world class temper tantrums on him) that it was just too much to deal with…apparently he got the message as I got a referral to a really good ophthalmologist for this morning….that quickly and I know he’s good cos he’s the one that actually did the VOD’s cataract operations.

He says I don’t have Lagophthalmos – what I have is Cogan's Dystrophy (Map-Dot-Fingerprint Dystrophy). He says that it can be genetic, and that millions of people have it to a degree but never suffer the effects that I have. He says DO NOT TAPE YER EYES SHUT! It apparently causes more trouble than helps.

But the best news is that he says that it’s treatable – first with eye drops for day and gel drops for night…and if that doesn’t work there’s laser surgery that can fix it.

He asked why I’d taken 4 years to come see him and I told him cos it had taken me 4 years to get a referral….In my GP’s defense…apparently over my years of working with him he’s got to the stage where he only reacts when I flip out…so apparently I’ll be flipping out more regularly if I have long term problems in the future. LoL

I just am so pleased that I have an answer…it’s not in my head it’s in my damn eyes!

Liar

I won't ever leave while you want me to stay
Nothing you could do that would turn me away
Hanging on every word
Believing the things I heard
Being a fool
You've taken my life, so take my soul
That's what you said and I believed it all
I want to be with you as long
As you want me to
I won't move away
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Liar, liar, liar
May I see no night
May I see no day
If I ever leave while you want me to stay
You can believe in me
I won't be leaving
I won't let you go
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Liar, liar, liar

I'm on to you...
I know what you are doing...

Five Humans

I don't often voice my personal support for any specific company
but in this case I will make an exception

Five Humans

Five Humans is a t-shirt company with a real voice...

have a look
you may be surprised...

honest.

The Return - Geneen Marie Haugen

Some day, if you are lucky,
you’ll return from a thunderous journey
trailing snake scales, wing fragments
and the musk of Earth and moon.

Eyes will examine you for signs
of damage, or change
and you, too, will wonder
if your skin shows traces

of fur, or leaves,
if thrushes have built a nest
of your hair, if Andromeda
burns from your eyes.

Do not be surprised by prickly questions
from those who barely inhabit
their own fleeting lives, who barely taste
their own possibility, who barely dream.

If your hands are empty, treasureless,
if your toes have not grown claws,
if your obedient voice has not
become a wild cry, a howl,

you will reassure them. We warned you,
they might declare, there is nothing else,
no point, no meaning, no mystery at all,
just this frantic waiting to die.

And yet, they tremble, mute,
afraid you’ve returned without sweet
elixir for unspeakable thirst, without
a fluent dance or holy language

to teach them, without a compass
bearing to a forgotten border where
no one crosses without weeping
for the terrible beauty of galaxies

and granite and bone. They tremble,
hoping your lips hold a secret,
that the song your body now sings
will redeem them, yet they fear

your secret is dangerous, shattering,
and once it flies from your astonished
mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate
before unfolding tremulous wings.

I just don't know.....

ok
first off
Bear n Kimmie...
I seem to be getting my "writing on"
this week
so who knows if there's a chapter coming soon?
LoL

some of you may remember the story of my "missing" friend

the "Cole's Notes" version
(cos there may be a story in that whole thing too)
is that she was from here...and moved to ON in her teens
became friends with myself and my family
became like a member of the family for 20 odd years
married poorly
had a couple of kids
moved back here to get away
from said "axe murderer" ex
lived in a virtual fantasy world here
spent most of her time on the Internet
communicating with and fashioning relationships
with US military men
with something that always struck me
as an air of desperation about it...
she wanted so desperately to have the
white picket fence she'd heard about
she went to obsessive lengths
to find it...
she wanted to be famous
so she made herself so
in her own mind anyway....

then....
she disappeared off the face of the earth
about 6 years ago

no one
not one person
knew where she'd gone
her RL family contacted me trying to find out

I searched frantically high and low
contacted people I knew that she knew
all over the country

eventually she started corresponding with me
via email....
but I never did really fully believe all the
hearts and romance and "fantastical" stories
that she told me

I was worried for her
and desperately concerned for her kids
but I felt like I was enabling her again

however before I could confront that
she gave up and stopped corresponding

fast forward a couple of years
and my blister is in Dartmouth for work
and stumbles into a pub
in the middle of the night
looking for chowder and beer
she's sitting by herself
and looks up
that there's said friend!

Left Coast to Right Coast
wtf was she running from
besides herself?

since then there is virtually no communication
betwixt my family and her
until the last week of October this year
(her birthday is Halloween)

that Sunday morning
someone phoned my house at 6:14 in the AM
by the time I'd got to the phone
it had gone to voicemail
so I stumbled around looking for my glasses
and took a few minutes for ablutions
then decided to go back to bed
so when I finally get up morning to go for brunch
and there's a voicemail from her

terse and poignant
"I woke up with a face fulla courage this morning
call me...." and the number
I immediately dialed
and got no answer

I've tried a couple of times
since then...randomly
but honestly feel kinda reticent
to rekindle
what was a less than healthy
"co-dependency" IMHO

today she posted on my Face book
over some old pix I'd posted

I find myself amazed
at how "suspect" I immediately found that

I have mixed emotions
part of me misses her
with a vengeance...
we have history

part of me
is not interested
in opening that
can o worms again
we have history

does that make sense?

do I want to take a chance
that it was all fantasy?

do I want to take the chance
that it was all lies?

do I want to get tangled
in that web again?

or was it all in my imagination
and in reality all truths?

do I want to go back?

I just don't know
I honestly
just
don't
know

here's today's horoscope...

You could have a chance to put the past behind you today. So if there are any unresolved family issues that have been lingering for a while, don't be afraid to try to deal with them before the day is through. There could be a few surprises popping up around the house, and it could be a good time to put the past aside and try to bring a fresh approach to mending some fences on the home front right now.

If you find that anyone’s a little hard to handle today, just realize that you’ll probably need to be extremely diplomatic right now. So be sure that you give plenty of thought to how you handle any difficult people at this time.

Now WTF do I do with that?