I just don't know.....

ok
first off
Bear n Kimmie...
I seem to be getting my "writing on"
this week
so who knows if there's a chapter coming soon?
LoL

some of you may remember the story of my "missing" friend

the "Cole's Notes" version
(cos there may be a story in that whole thing too)
is that she was from here...and moved to ON in her teens
became friends with myself and my family
became like a member of the family for 20 odd years
married poorly
had a couple of kids
moved back here to get away
from said "axe murderer" ex
lived in a virtual fantasy world here
spent most of her time on the Internet
communicating with and fashioning relationships
with US military men
with something that always struck me
as an air of desperation about it...
she wanted so desperately to have the
white picket fence she'd heard about
she went to obsessive lengths
to find it...
she wanted to be famous
so she made herself so
in her own mind anyway....

then....
she disappeared off the face of the earth
about 6 years ago

no one
not one person
knew where she'd gone
her RL family contacted me trying to find out

I searched frantically high and low
contacted people I knew that she knew
all over the country

eventually she started corresponding with me
via email....
but I never did really fully believe all the
hearts and romance and "fantastical" stories
that she told me

I was worried for her
and desperately concerned for her kids
but I felt like I was enabling her again

however before I could confront that
she gave up and stopped corresponding

fast forward a couple of years
and my blister is in Dartmouth for work
and stumbles into a pub
in the middle of the night
looking for chowder and beer
she's sitting by herself
and looks up
that there's said friend!

Left Coast to Right Coast
wtf was she running from
besides herself?

since then there is virtually no communication
betwixt my family and her
until the last week of October this year
(her birthday is Halloween)

that Sunday morning
someone phoned my house at 6:14 in the AM
by the time I'd got to the phone
it had gone to voicemail
so I stumbled around looking for my glasses
and took a few minutes for ablutions
then decided to go back to bed
so when I finally get up morning to go for brunch
and there's a voicemail from her

terse and poignant
"I woke up with a face fulla courage this morning
call me...." and the number
I immediately dialed
and got no answer

I've tried a couple of times
since then...randomly
but honestly feel kinda reticent
to rekindle
what was a less than healthy
"co-dependency" IMHO

today she posted on my Face book
over some old pix I'd posted

I find myself amazed
at how "suspect" I immediately found that

I have mixed emotions
part of me misses her
with a vengeance...
we have history

part of me
is not interested
in opening that
can o worms again
we have history

does that make sense?

do I want to take a chance
that it was all fantasy?

do I want to take the chance
that it was all lies?

do I want to get tangled
in that web again?

or was it all in my imagination
and in reality all truths?

do I want to go back?

I just don't know
I honestly
just
don't
know

here's today's horoscope...

You could have a chance to put the past behind you today. So if there are any unresolved family issues that have been lingering for a while, don't be afraid to try to deal with them before the day is through. There could be a few surprises popping up around the house, and it could be a good time to put the past aside and try to bring a fresh approach to mending some fences on the home front right now.

If you find that anyone’s a little hard to handle today, just realize that you’ll probably need to be extremely diplomatic right now. So be sure that you give plenty of thought to how you handle any difficult people at this time.

Now WTF do I do with that?