Ain't that special?

I woke up sick this morning
with the yaks
I'm bleeding again
and I have a migraine

this can't be good

at first I thought it was lack of sleep
then I thought is was something I mighta ate
then I thought it was the new lenses

but now I know
it's the physical manifestation of the last 3 days
in spite of the little blue 'calmers'

again with the lack of fairness
I get it up the yak
and the yak gets me back

ain't that special?

Negative Legends

so on Wednesday I found out that the management where I work had set up a little "exercise" with a code name etc and that because 4 of us managers at my level (out of some 60) didn't respond in a timely fashion we are getting formal demerits.

I was away on holidays at the beginning of the month and came back to 350 emails, my team had gone from a solid 12 that I'd worked with for 6 months to 6 left...a virtually decimated team (for whatever reason...certainly not because I hadn't been workin my ass off to support them)

I have to pretty much do 1 months work in less than 2 weeks

but they won't take any of this into consideration...and frankly...I didn't see the due date.... because I was swamped

but that doesn't count...what counts is that I didn't reply by the due date I didn't see so in their eyes I have failed and am getting demerits

I am pretty upset by the lack of fairness

the whole thing smacks of a clandestine effort to effectively game on the managers at my level as opposed to anything that even resembles some kind of support for the stressors in our business at this time...

but apparently even tho I wasn't there for half of the month and didn't see the due date...I should have known...and responded in a timely fashion in order to win a "gift basket"???

scuze me...fuck that!

...you can argue till the cows come home...but my record speaks for itself...and the kudo's I get from my team and other people in the centre speak volumes toward the kind of responsible employee I am

the fact that I have been in that building for the almost 2 weeks since I've come back from holidays for 9-10 hours a day on a dead run and getting pd for 7.5 I might add...to try to get caught up doesn't count (P.S....that's now over)

what apparently counts is that when I prioritized the stuff I should do when I came back...I apparently decided that supporting my team and meeting as many of my numbers as I could were more important than answering a question I had been asked and answered several times in the month before my holidays...(a team I might add that has also changed dramatically at least 3 times since I have been back)

what matters is that in their eyes I failed and as a result they are going to permanently affect my employment record

yesterday...I took the day off for my birthday...my 50th
I wasn't so happy...I had to go get these flaming glasses and that was a story for another day

my boss phones me to inform that he has met with his boss and as a result I am still getting demerits...we argued over the fact and while I appreciate his efforts on my behalf...he frankly doesn't get it...

I almost quit
but I can't afford to because I have rent and a pr of $750.00 eyeglass lenses to pay for etc

so today I must go back...
I am physically ill...and can't sleep...because I can't get it out of my head

this is the kind of negative reflection that has in the past made me end up in the hospital...and I don't want that to happen because it won't change anything - and for all intents and purposes makes them out to be the winners

in the 1 year and 8 months that I have worked there I have never felt so disrespected...(this is my first formal demerit)...I didn't even feel this disrespected either of the times I won top "manager" of the month at my level and nobody did anything but shake my hand (altho the favorites get ceremonies with corporate hand shakes and little gifts in front of the whole center)

and if one more person says to me "it's only a demerit" I'm gonna start to cry again or smack them - I want to yell at them..."you have your standards and I have mine - so shut up"...

frankly it's not about them I need to work...
so I have to just shut up
take my demerit
and not let them see how little respect I have left for the upper management now

this is the stuff those negative legends are made of in our business

Universal Truth and Dave Barry

there is a belief held
"universally"
that should you/I/Me/We operate from a position
of integrity or fairness
you will be responded to in like form

Today was another example of "not so much"...

as a result...I'm not sure that I want to work where I work anymore
I can only hope that I calm down by Friday

in the meantime...
people that do operate from a position of integrity
have sent me some Dave Barry for my birthday tomorrow:

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
2. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'
3. Nobody is normal
4. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'
5. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance
9. You should not confuse your career with your life

and last but certainly not least...

10. Your friends love you anyway

A Random Quote

I was surfing random blogs and came across a quote that has struck me...

Children who are not spoken to by responsive adults will not learn to speak properly. Children who are not answered will stop asking questions. They will become incurious. And children who are not told stories and who are not read to will have few reasons for wanting to learn to read. - Gail E. Haley,1971 - Caldecott Medal Acceptance Speech

...is this what's wrong with us?
is this why the next generation gives me the feeling that they could give a shit?

and all this time I thought it was a lack of accountability
turns out that the fact that the people of my generation narrowly missed being born alcohol adiccted did in fact turn out a generation of kids that aren't accountable because we weren't responsive?
we made them incurious....we made them
we.....

Life in the fast lane...

It's a dangerous business going out your front door. - J. R. R. Tolkien
that's a good quote...
and it kinda speaks to the way I'm feeling this morning...

I've calmed down substantially since the weekend
even the ability to ride to and from work does that for me

I am however behind the 8 ball for the moment at work
apparently I have delusions
that in spite of taking holiday time off
I can get everything done this month

"not so much"

thank goodness for them little blue pills
Zzzzzzzzzzzz
can you just imagine what shape I'd be in if I stopped sleeping again?

I know I've really got to get to the "go with the flow"
but having taken time off creates a pressure in my head
that makes me feel like I'm failing

and I know I'm not

the good news is that the new glasses will be ready Thursday
so soon I'll be broke
but the headaches should stop

50?
who's freakin idea was that?

The Earth & Mars...and the Cosmic Screw...

the thing about birthdays
is that others
quite often
make more of it
than you do

this weekend
my bro and father came down island
and
yesterday we...
along with the mother
went to dinner
at the cousin's house

it's all good...
except
that they had the house
decorated for a "birthday party"

how the hell
did I get to be 50 years old
and my family not know
that while I love receiving presents
I loath the opening "surprise" brouhaha?

and for the life of me
I can't figure out why
any of them would think
that the way to commemorate
one's meeting a half a fucking century
would be to receive
a god damn dish rack?

but I digress.....

I don't like surprise parties
at the best of times
they give me the same kind of anxiety
that practical jokes do
and we all know
that I am missing
the practical joke gene...*jean*??
how Freudian is that?

but here's the kicker...
all week long
I have been waiting
for Sunday to arrive

the Pickle is fixed
and I'm gonna spend the day
riding and recharging
I am soooooo looking forward to it :-}

so don't the mother
and the father
and the brother
and the cousins
spend the evening
drinking themselves
into psychotic
monosyllabic
fools
at competition levels?

and it was 2 in the fucking morning
before I got them all rounded up
and all the way home
and put to bed

and then the old fart
gets me up at 6:30
cos he ain't feeling well
because
"after all...I'm 75 years old ya know?"

fuck me

so
I don't get to go for a long ride with the club
cos I didn't get enough sleep
and I won't take a chance
when I'm like that

now don't get me wrong
I love my family dearly
but what would make them think
that I'd want to
spend my birthday celebration
watching them get hammered?

and

truthfully

it makes me sad
t o think
that there is no one
in the world
that understands me
well enough to know
that I didn't enjoy it
and it wasn't fun.

happy birthday?
me thinks not!

but listen...
everyone has left now
and it's Sunday
and if I can't spend
the rest o the day riding
I'll just sit quietly in my yard
listening to some lovely music
and writing

except
now the white trash building manager
has decide
to mow the lawn
around the building

I swear it's like some kinda fuckin plot!

however
I hear
that once August rolls around
all this hinkey stuff
will end
because the cosmos will align
and
we'll all live happily ever after...

Now I ask ya....
*haven't we had this discussion before?*

What pisses me off?

well I'll just tell ya

Fucked up - stupid kid drivers

Sunday 2 members of my riding club were hit while riding with their club in formation (not locally - the extended club)

they were hit by a kid who had he lived, would have been charged with reckless endangerment...

he, in his infinte wisdom, decided he was too important to wait his turn at an intersection and overtook the group on the inside shoulder....but he did it way way too fast - lost control and hit these people causing both of them to loose a leg and evenutally resulting in the loss of his own life (rolled it end for end and wasn't belted in so he was crushed)

I am trying not to be angry.

Realistically I know that my anger is not going to change anything...I know that the couple that were hit are lucky to be alive...I know that the kid was only 19 and that it is a horrid waste of a life

but I am mad
I am mad as I can possibly be without bursting a vein in my forehead
what a fucking waste
what stupidity
fuck fuck fuck
I hate this shit

Tazmanian Devil

That pic of the kitten and the yarn reminded me of a cat I had when I lived in Pickle Lake Ontario (ya ya ya…I notice that I am fixated on Pickles…let’s not go there…) Pickle Lake is the northern most community that you can drive to in Ontario…after that you have to fly in or wait for winter and the building of ice roads.

As I said earlier… there was a time in my life when I raised Dobbies and Rotties…at one point I had 19 dogs all at various stages of growth…I had a pretty good chunk of land and I was in doggie heaven…except of course for poop’n scoop’n…it seemed to me that I spent hours daily wandering around the property with a shovel and a green garbage bag…but I digress

At that time in my life I didn’t have a job so the dogs were my family and during the summer months I left the door open and they came and went as they pleased…although they never were allowed past the kitchen doorway into the rest of the house (baby gates…ya gotta love em!) I lived in that big old farmhouse by myself for a few years and a couple of these dogs were very protective of me…whether it was cos I was the food lady…or cos of my cute face and vivacious personality, I’m not sure…so I never had to worry about living alone in the country and if I left home I could always count on 5 or 6 dogs spread out on the stairs and porch when I got home…patiently waiting for me.

The dog family numbers changed accordingly sometimes I had more and sometimes I had less…but on an average there were 7 to 10 dogs minimum the whole time I lived in that house.

Anyway I came home from town one early spring afternoon to find a small completely black kitten sitting on my front porch…and nary a dog on the stair little own on the porch…I’m not a cat person (they make me sneeze) so I pretty much ignored it…and I was puzzled cos I lived 3.5 miles from my nearest neighbour…where had the little beggar come from?

As I went about the business of feeding the animals I was surprised to find that the dogs all let the cat eat first…for some reason unknown to me that little cat had tamed all my dogs during my afternoon in town…and she was definitely the boss/leader of the pack…the only animal she ever deferred to was me…anyway the end result was that I started taking antihistamines and the little cat moved in.

In short order the cat was named Taz short for Tasmanian devil…cos I could never help but be amazed at how that wee kit kept all them dogs in line…and she never really got big…for all I know she could’ve been full grown when she moved in.

The things that kit got up to!...one time I came home to find her hanging by one foot from the top of the living room drapes, she was stuck and could likely have been there for the whole time I was away. And I can’t count how many times I would open a kitchen cupboard door or a closet door to spot 2 little beady eyes staring back out at me. I’ve often thought it must have painted some kind of Rockwellian picture to see me head out to the barn with Taz following close at my heels and various dogs in tow.

So fast forward to fall and I am furiously crocheting my way to mental health. (cos there was no tv reception there except the Pickle/Pat Pirate TV Station and that’s a story for another day) and making homemade Christmas presents for everyone.

My sister who was then about 20 had requested a home made bed spread in fuchsia, burgundy and a variegated pink to white and in order to get the colors right I’d had to special order $200 worth of wool via the local Hudson’s Bay Store. When the wool arrived I hauled it home and brought this big box of wool into my living room and set it beside my big stuffed rocking chair. The timing was close but I just might get everything done in time for Christmas.

The following day I got called into town in the morning to join some ladies for coffee and one thing led to another and I didn’t get home till dusk. I was surprised that not one dog met me at the road…and as I traveled up the drive to the house I discovered that there were no dogs in the yard, or on the porch. This was making me nervous.

The back door into the kitchen was open and like an idiot I headed straight in. As I stepped thru the door I flipped the lights on…to find that every single dog was in the house…and every single ball of wall was wound around the dogs! And around table legs, kitchen chairs, bookshelves and the dishwasher. It was like one huge vivid technicolor spider web in my kitchen…the dogs being the captive flies. The whole mess was about 3 or 4 inches off the floor under which Taz was blissfully rolling out yet another ball of wool!

Everywhere I looked there was fuchsia and pink wool except for the spots in which a dog sat…(at that point I think there were 7 or 8 dogs) There was lots of that "I’m sorry mom" whining going on…and some of the saddest dog eyes I have ever seen…it was like they knew Taz had got them in trouble again…and were just waiting for Mom to come fix it.

Two things occurred to me at once… my sister was never gonna believe this!…and I’m gonna kill that cat!

Taz had lots adventures during the time she owned me…in retrospect this was one of the funniest. It took me days to untangle all that wool…and was probably the best lesson in patience I have ever had.

"The Notebook"

here it is
Saturday morning...

and I'm watchin a movie
the sun is shining
the birds are chirpin

and I'm locked in the dark
in my livingroom
watching "the Notebook"

what a great movie

I put off watching it for a long time
cos I didn't want to deal with the smaltz
but what a truly great movie

it reminds me
once again...
that I have spent a whole 50 years
yearning
for the kind of love
that beats the odds...

the forever kind of love

it puts words to the
constant yearning
that is my life...

it reminds me that time is short...
life is fleeting...
and love is all important...

and that somehow
even without it
I am ok

I'm tired...

I'm tired of the whiny wankers at work...
I'm tired of family dropping by unannounced....
to sleep on my couch for a couple of days
I'm tired of living in an apartment building...
where the building manager is the King of the freakin red necks
I'm tired of the crappy weather...
I'm tired of tryin to pretend it's summer
and
I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok!

think I'd best get some rest huh?

Never Let An Angry Woman...

loose in Walmart with her credit cards...

before I left I bought a pop up tent - the idea being that because of my knees I can't roll up my old tent so a pop up folds...the bastard worked fine in my living room...

so I get to Toad Rocks and it takes myself and 5 friends and an hour to get the damn thing up and staying up...and then it's so small that I have to crawl in and out of it...
I got pissed...the following is what happened as a result according to my friend Draculeye...

"Never Let an angry WyzWmn go to Walmart with a credit card...
that is our new motto for 2005
Wyz brought a little itty bitty tent after fighting to put it up she got pissed off and went to find a mansion. It took a team of architects to set it up LOL












































































the freaking thing has a screen porch - 2 bedrooms and a remote control porch light!!
we used the little one for the camp kitchen for the weekend...
thank goodness for credit cards!!
however...going forward...I'm gonna have to travel with a busload of teamsters to get my Palace up!

Honey...I'm home

got in around 9 pm last night
the trip home was relatively uneventful
but for the freezing cold in the Kelowna connector
and going over the Coquihalla...
I'm pooped
more when I can