Negative Legends

so on Wednesday I found out that the management where I work had set up a little "exercise" with a code name etc and that because 4 of us managers at my level (out of some 60) didn't respond in a timely fashion we are getting formal demerits.

I was away on holidays at the beginning of the month and came back to 350 emails, my team had gone from a solid 12 that I'd worked with for 6 months to 6 left...a virtually decimated team (for whatever reason...certainly not because I hadn't been workin my ass off to support them)

I have to pretty much do 1 months work in less than 2 weeks

but they won't take any of this into consideration...and frankly...I didn't see the due date.... because I was swamped

but that doesn't count...what counts is that I didn't reply by the due date I didn't see so in their eyes I have failed and am getting demerits

I am pretty upset by the lack of fairness

the whole thing smacks of a clandestine effort to effectively game on the managers at my level as opposed to anything that even resembles some kind of support for the stressors in our business at this time...

but apparently even tho I wasn't there for half of the month and didn't see the due date...I should have known...and responded in a timely fashion in order to win a "gift basket"???

scuze me...fuck that!

...you can argue till the cows come home...but my record speaks for itself...and the kudo's I get from my team and other people in the centre speak volumes toward the kind of responsible employee I am

the fact that I have been in that building for the almost 2 weeks since I've come back from holidays for 9-10 hours a day on a dead run and getting pd for 7.5 I might add...to try to get caught up doesn't count (P.S....that's now over)

what apparently counts is that when I prioritized the stuff I should do when I came back...I apparently decided that supporting my team and meeting as many of my numbers as I could were more important than answering a question I had been asked and answered several times in the month before my holidays...(a team I might add that has also changed dramatically at least 3 times since I have been back)

what matters is that in their eyes I failed and as a result they are going to permanently affect my employment record

yesterday...I took the day off for my birthday...my 50th
I wasn't so happy...I had to go get these flaming glasses and that was a story for another day

my boss phones me to inform that he has met with his boss and as a result I am still getting demerits...we argued over the fact and while I appreciate his efforts on my behalf...he frankly doesn't get it...

I almost quit
but I can't afford to because I have rent and a pr of $750.00 eyeglass lenses to pay for etc

so today I must go back...
I am physically ill...and can't sleep...because I can't get it out of my head

this is the kind of negative reflection that has in the past made me end up in the hospital...and I don't want that to happen because it won't change anything - and for all intents and purposes makes them out to be the winners

in the 1 year and 8 months that I have worked there I have never felt so disrespected...(this is my first formal demerit)...I didn't even feel this disrespected either of the times I won top "manager" of the month at my level and nobody did anything but shake my hand (altho the favorites get ceremonies with corporate hand shakes and little gifts in front of the whole center)

and if one more person says to me "it's only a demerit" I'm gonna start to cry again or smack them - I want to yell at them..."you have your standards and I have mine - so shut up"...

frankly it's not about them I need to work...
so I have to just shut up
take my demerit
and not let them see how little respect I have left for the upper management now

this is the stuff those negative legends are made of in our business