Gas caps and thieves

I was wandering around here last night
bemoaning the fact
that I don't have a speedo
on the Pickle
and that my gas gauge
hasn't worked
that jackwipe hit it last Sept
makes planning on a ride kinda a pain....

I go out this morning
to find out
that the good news
is that the gas gauge is working -
but the bad news
is that someone stole
one of my gas caps
and most of the gas
outta the Pickle

but the good news is
that said gas
has been sitting dormant since Sept
and I was gonna have to siphon it off anyway!

keep lookin for them silver linings folks!

so I went for a ride
got more gas
saw some friends
ordered new gas caps
tried to get locking caps
but can find any to fit

do you suppose it's wrong
to wanna sit in the yard
with the shotgun
and wait for the little bastards

'cept with my kinda luck
the little bastard will be 7 ft 2
and have a black belt in
something detrimental to my health!

Willie....

Pickle Update

sometime life just ain't fair
I just went out and had a "talk" with the Pickle

She's got a crappy headlight, crappy speakers, road lamps that blow fuses, no speedometer, needs a new carburetor and now the flaming gas gauge has quit.

The body repairs are done – but in the end they cost me over 1500.00 because the “little drunk man” that hit it didn’t pay up….which was supposed to be the down payment on the ladybug…so the crappy headlight, crappy speakers, road lamps that blow fuses, no speedometer, crappy carburetor that were supposed to get fixed this spring didn’t….

She and I are at an impasse as I have no money to fix anything….

*sigh*

I know that many other people have problems much larger than mine…and more life effecting than mine….but it still frustrates the hell outta me and depresses me to no end that the one thing I do for entertainment has been removed from the picture just now….

So I just wanted to whine a bit…I really really really want to go for a ride - and I really don't want people to tell me "I told you that you were too nice to that little prick that hit your trike" no more

WTF? Wednesday

WTF?
I’m having a WTF Wednesday
kinda like Tam’s WTF Thursdays….

there’s a guy on one of my forums
that’s a sanctimonious prig
and I’ve been hoping
that his judgements had to do with
an interpretation issue on my part
turns out he’s just a fucking asshole
and I’m about to ban him
and what I want to say to him is

“fuck you you fucking fuck”

this morning
the boss arrives and spends the better part
of 2 hours regaling us with stories
about herself
and her understanding
of herself

"I'm the most authentic person in the world"

(reminds me seriously of that line from Beaches
were Bette Midler says to Barbara Hershey’s character
“enough about me…what about you?
How do you feel about me?”)

she’s taken 6 of the last 10 days off
and will be off at noon tomorrow for the weekend
cos it’s her birthday
and alla sudden I’m not allowed to talk in the office
cos she’s busy

the term “fuck you you fucking fuck” comes to mind again

apparently I’ve run out of expletives for the day

Irvine

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?

What a weekend

so
I had some tests done on Friday
they neglected to tell me before I arrived
that I'd not be allowed to drive after
nor was I allowed to take a cab home

my friend Kimmie came and rescued me
I was whacked outta my gourd
and as a result I slept for the rest of the day
and through the night

I sooo wanted to spend the weekend riding
but instead....

I got up early and headed up Island to my bother's
cos his eldest was grad-ing as valedictorian
got as far as Crofton
stopped to see some old friends
it was niiiiiice

then headed to Courtenay
where it was 25 degrees in the shade
(that's 77 F for those of you metrically challenged)
so because I'd only packed warm clothes I had to shop
and then sit in a gymnasium with 300 others
at 30 - 34 degrees (86 to....well you get it)
watching and weeping as our baby boy
who is now 6ft 5in
spoke about the future
and mastering your fears
and being up to the challenge
and to go your own way
and be true to yourself

*sigh*

then we had a late supper
and tried to go to bed
but it was soo hot
and the we couldn't open the windows
so I didn't sleep
and the grad kids came to the house at 4:45 AM

around 8 I got a call from the cousin that lives here
that one of the maiden aunts that are visiting
from Toronto
had some kind of heart attack or stroke
so we careened back down the highway
the 3ish hours to get home
and see to them

I went to bed last night at 9
and slept till 6AM
went to work and got sent home at 2 pm
cos I wasn't able to keep my eyes open
and I've since fallen asleep on the couch
3 times

I'm a mess
I wonder if it's stress?
or heat?
or the drugs on Friday?
or lack of sleep?
or all of the above
I feel like crap!

the good news is that the aunt's condition is treatable
and my Crohn's is not on the move...

Goodnight!
and thanks for comin out!
LoL

Chapter 70

the sound: Tommy James and the Shondells – Crystal Blue Persuasion, The Young Rascals – Groovin, Peter, Paul & Mary – Leaving on a Jet Plane, Jonathan Edwards – Sunshine, Dusty Springfield – How Can I Be Sure, Todd Rundgren – Hello It’s Me, Bee Gees – I Started A Joke

The following day I was moved back to the farmhouse and that afternoon Robert showed up with a brand new Harley. I’d been devastated to see the mess around the old gabled garage but Rosie had taken it in stride stating that 2 of her other brothers were carpenters and that they’d have that mess cleaned up and replaced again in no time.

I smiled at the word again, and took it in stride.

The next day or two were rather quiet for me, I slept and ate and watched movies on via a new thing called a beta player. This house sure came with a lot of perks.

The morning of the 3rd day Robert announced that visitors were coming. I had a brief moment of panic before he continued to say that these were friends of his from Europe and that he’d decided to show them a good time. He wondered if it was possible for me to assist his sister arranging the food as he’d decided on a pig roast.

In no time I found myself immersed in the kitchen, the very kitchen that previously had held the ‘capping’ party. I was surrounded by women and for the first time in a long time found myself relaxing into the work. We made lists of the food we’d make tomorrow and then more lists of the food we’d have to buy to make the food we were making tomorrow. We laughed and talked and acted like we didn’t have a care in the world…for all I knew we were planning for a regular old garden party.

All the while Rosie baked bread – both ovens going full steam.

Late that afternoon the guests arrived, 11 men 2 women, their names lost to me in the flurry of introductions. We sat around in the yard for a while and as dusk approached Robert suggested that we “all go to the Silver Dollar Saloon for a couple of cold one’s while he and Snot butchered the pig and prepared it for the pit that it would reside in until cooking fully for the next day.”

A great gang of us left on bikes, and arrived at the Silver Dollar. I was surprised to see just how aptly named it was. The old bar had swinging shutter doors and the bar itself was one long piece of wood worn shiny by years and years of hand rubbing.

There were things hanging overhead, I later learned were the brassieres of lady’s that had stopped by for drinks over the years. Every where I looked there were signed dollar bills tacked to the walls and ceiling, signed by visitors to the bar since it’s inception.

The bar itself contained a myriad of jars of oddities. There were gallon jars of pickled eggs, and pickled sausage, there were bowls of peanuts and chips, licorice and peppermints and there were even a couple of gallon jars of pickled pig’s feet, and pickled pig’s tails.

While I found them fascinating to look at – there wasn’t much chance I was ever going to try one…even when dared.

We settled in as a large group to have some fun and we laughed and drank and shot pool and just had a grand old time. I really felt like I was starting to know these people and I found myself relaxing and loosening up. It was probably the familiar feel of being in a bar that was comforting to me…reminiscent of home even.

As the sun went down I remember thinking that Robert and Snot should be along soon.

No sooner did the thought cross my mind than the swinging saloon doors burst open and Robert and Snot appeared. By some freak of nature there seemed to be almost no noise in the bar so the collective sucking in of air as everyone spotted them caused those not looking to look up.

Chapter 69

the sound: Styx – Come Sail Away, Styx – Blue Collar Man, Styx – Renegade, Styx – Too Much Time on my Hands, Styx – Babe, Styx – Madame Blue, Styx – Lady, Styx – Show me the Way, Styx – Boat on the River, Styx – Mr. Roboto

At the bottom of the stairs we were greeted by Rosie. I’d not even known that she was in the area, let alone in the building.

She too was carrying a rifle.

“I feel like I’ve been dropped into a grade B wild Wild West movie” I mussed.

Rosie and her mother exchanged hugs and when she turned to me I asked her once again if she’d tell me what was going on…and for some strange reason this time she decided that she would….I don’t know what the difference was…maybe it was the fact that we were all standing there holding guns.

Rosie sighed and then replied tersely, “Robert owes some money…a rather large amount of money and not to Grey this time. Once again he made a deal to pay someone off, but because he was in jail he missed the drop date. They’ve come to collect.”

“Just how large a sum are we talking about?” I asked and Rosie told me that it was more than 50 large.

“What will they do?” I asked

“I’m not exactly sure” was her reply, “last time they shot all the windows outta the house and blew up Mama’s Cadillac in the driveway”

“Last time?” I asked with incredulity…”this happens kinda regular like does it?” at which point I began to look around the shelter and discovered it was actually somewhat like a cement bunker and that it was rather obviously used for storage….that or that in fact this did happen quite regular like.

The shelter was well stocked. There were boxes of dry good foodstuffs, barrels of liquid and cases of liquor down there. There were camp cots, and a folding chair and tables. A person could likely survive a long time if need be.

I stood there looking about and spotted the 4 serving women and the butler up against the far wall. All 5 of them were also holding guns.

I also wasn’t at all amused to see box after box of shells.

Surprisingly enough, I wasn’t as afraid as I should have been. I felt rather like I wasn’t really myself and I was beginning to understand how Alice felt after falling through the looking glass.

“Robert means well…” Rosie began but she was over run by Mrs. K’s announcing that “all her boys were strong, each in different areas, Roibhilín’s area of expertise is the creation of conflict…just like his fadder.”

“You may have mentioned” I began only to be stilled by a large boom…the concussion caused the house to shudder and I dropped the shotgun to put my arms over my head as dust filtered down from the ceiling of the shelter.

“The bastards have blown up the garage” Rosie yelled and started up the stairs. I grabbed at her but it was her mother’s whip crack voice that stopped her in her tracks “Siobhán! You’ll nae be goin oot dere!”

Rosie turned and came down the stairs – looking rather disgusted. We all settled down amongst the boxes and barrels to wait what may come.

In the end the damage to the garage and Cadillac was extensive. The damage to the house minimal as the garage was separate. We waited for what seemed like hours for a sign is was safe to return to the main part of the house and didn’t do so until Barry came hobbling in on crutches to get us.

We found out later that it was actually Barry that had appeased the “collector” by giving them Robert’s motorcycle.

“Betcha that goes over well with the big guy” I thought as I listened to him explain his actions to his mother.

Mrs. K just patted him on the arm and put her shotgun back into it’s slot in the gun cupboard.

In the Still of the Night...

I wake up in a strange house
in a strange bed
from the depths
of a deep
dark
drug induced sleep....

I wake up to the sound of the dog barking

not the yappy dog of my past
but the big rough baritone bark
of a full sized guard dog...

in an instant I remember
I am at the cuz's house
house sitting and dog sitting
while they are away...

I holler the dog's name
but he continues to bark....

I roll over groping for my glasses
so I can see the clock

it's 1:31 AM
I've been asleep for possibly 4 hours

my head is muzzy
and my heart is racing

it is pitch dark
in this house

I lay listening to the sound of
the wind blowing
through the leaves
of the old growth trees
in the yard and the green space
behind the house
I can hear nothing else
but for the sound of my racing heart....

why can't I still
my racing heart?

the dog begins to bark again...
he's pacing
not racing
but pacing from the front door
to the back

this big old dog that I am here
to care for
that has barked but once
in 10 days
and that was at a motorcycle
2 doors over...

the private old neighbourhood
cul de sac is quiet
traffic free
sleeping...
but for the sound of the dog barking

what do I do?
I feel vulnerable
in my own home I know where
the tools of protection are kept
a simple 2 feet from my bed

in this big old house
they could be a whole floor away
a distance of 30 seconds
can make a difference between life and death

"you watch too much tv"
I tell myself

I look at the clock again
1:40
the dog is still barking
do I turn on a light?
what good will that do in the set up
of this house...

I get out of bed and tiptoe
to the bedroom window
the size of a picture window
I now realize
I peer through the blinds
and see nothing untoward...
no people
no animals
no out of place cars

the dog is still barking
my heart is still racing
I turn on the overhead light
as I pull on my robe...

maybe that's not such a good idea?
now I can see in the room
but so can anyone outside of the room

"you watch too much tv"
I admonish myself again...

I exit the room
and
I literally creep down the hallway
towards the living room
or kitchen

I freeze as I hear a noise
and I realize the dog is no longer barking

I take a deep breath
and swing around into the living room doorway
flipping on the overhead light as I do so

there's a man sitting on the couch

the dog is standing in front of him
and begins barking again

wtf?
I grab for the phone on it's base
beside me
and race into the bathroom
slamming the door behind me
and locking it

as I look at myself in the big mirror
over the vanity
my heart is racing doubly fast again
terror written all over my face
eye's big
mouth open
panting

I realize I should dial
911

then
almost at once I realize that the dog
has stopped barking
and the man is calling me by name
through the door

WTF?

I take a deep breath
and listen to what he's saying
his name is Brandon
and he works for my cousin
he used to live here
he thought there was no one here
he's had a fight with his lady
he thought no one was here
he's had "a couple" of beer
he thought no one was here
he knows that the cousin is away
he thought no one was here
he didn't mean to scare me
he thought no one was here
he's sorry he woke me
he thought no one was here
he thought no one was here
he thought no one was here
he thought no one was here
until the dog started to bark
he thought no one was here
he'll leave....
he thought no one was here

almost in one sentence

he thought no one was here
I hear the sound of the front door closing
and I rest my forehead on the glass of the mirror
as I calm my breathing
and slow the pace
of my racing heart

out the window
I hear the sound of a car starting
and pulling away from the side of the house...
and I sit on the throne
for a minute or two
gathering my wits before
coming out of the bathroom...

in the still of the night
I realize
I watch too much tv....

I check the locks on the doors
and get back into bed
but I can't sleep now
I'm too awake now
in the still of the night
I flip on the tv...

Practical Magic

I'm a sucker for the romance
I can't help it....



Do you always trust your first initial feeling
Special knowledge holds truth bears believing
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

How the faces of love have changed turning
the pages
And I have changed oh, but you...you remain
ageless
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

Chapter 68

the sound: the Band – Long Black Veil, The Band – The Weight, The Band – The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, The Band – I Shall Be Released, The Band – Further on Up the Road, The Band – Opehlia, The Band – Evangeline, The Band – The Shape I’m in, The Band - Helpless

Not too long after we went into the house I heard the sound of motorcycles coming up the hill behind the house, they stopped where I imagined the garden to be.

I asked Mrs. K if the shutters at the back were closed and she allowed as they were. She was sitting in a large wing backed brocade chair in front of a roaring fire in the den, shotgun across her knees.

I suggested that we move into the hallway as there were no windows there but she vetoed that idea saying that we’d be fine there unless someone started shooting.

I asked if we’d be letting “the boys” in and she informed me that we wouldn’t until we were sure they were her boys.

I was dumbfounded…who the hell else would they be?

I heard noise sounding like gunfire coming from the farm field and I turned to look at Mrs. K questioningly.
“My Roibhilín has made someone angry again” she sighed.

“pretty fuckin angry if ya ask me” I muttered.

“mind yer manners child” she admonished

“well seems to me that if people are shooting they’re pretty fuckin angry” I replied…”what the hell did he do?”

“I’m sure I wouldna know” she replied and then sunk back into her chair lips pressed together angrily. “he is tae much like his fadder…always the one with th’ grand scheme that ends up costing others and making them angry…why the boy wouldna work an honest day is beyond me!”

The sound of gunfire got closer and I began to pace from the den to the foyer and back.

“you’ll nae cure problems that way child” she told me, “sit here by the fire and we’ll finish our wee doilies”

“ok? Mrs. K?” I began, “can you see just how absurd that sounds? People are shooting guns at each other out there…and you’re in here….and you want me to make sure my stitches are tight enough on a doilly – There IS Something Seriously Wrong With You People!” I finished through clenched teeth.

“ach” she said…”if it t’will make you feel better we can move downstairs to the shelter.”

“The shelter? I asked, “there’s a fucking shelter? WHADDAYAMEAN SHELTER?” I hollered.

“What kind of shelter? Like a bomb shelter? A safe room? What the hell are we talking about here? And why didn’t ya say something about it before? Did ya just fuckin remember?”

“Ya did’na ask” she smiled. “come child…we’ll retire to the shelter in the basement” and she rose, clutching her crochet basket in one hand and her shotgun in the other and let the way out of the den, through the foyer, along the hallway to the kitchen – where she turned left, leading to the butler’s pantry.

Between 2 sets of cupboards in the butler’s pantry she leaned forward and pulled on a panel on the wall to reveal that under the servant’s stairs there was a door, which she opened and flipped on a light.

“Come child” she said to me as she descended, “the staff is already down here.”

“Great! I yelped, “Just fucking great! The servants are safe…but me? Me you hand a fucking shotgun to! Jesus Mary and motherfucking Joseph I can’t wait to go home!”

She turned on the stair and leveled her gaze at me…”I’ll not be telling ya agin to mind yer manner’s girl!” she barked.

I nodded quietly and followed her down the stairs.

at the cousin's house

so
here I am
kinda
sorta
almost
ensconced in the
cousin's house

they have 5 beds in this house
all of which are so firm it's
kinda like sleeping on the hardwood

the have 2 computers
neither of which have a usb port
can we say
antique?

I thought I could write and post
story from here
but while I've got it on a
memory stick
I can load it
and my puter doesn't have
a 5.5 floppy drive
so I don't know what
I'll have to cook up!

the main reason I am here
is that there's a 10 yr old
100 lb lab
that lays on the couch
and snores and mutters
all day and all night

once again
I have all the trouble
of marriage
and none of the fun!

stay tuned!

I feel like I'm on a Game Show....

I’ll have “leave the family at home” for $1000.00 please Alex

Jayzuz....WTF is it about sunshine that brings family out in droves? May is starting to get stupid for me....

From the 9th to the 19th I have to stay at my cousin’s house cos I am taking care of their dog (at least it’s closer to work) while they are in ON

Our season opener is the MMM – I’ve committed to going as a day tripper for both or at least one day the 23rd or 24th

The VOD informs me last night that she has committed us to spending the weekend of the 23/24 in Courtenay as my nephew is graduating from high school and is class valedictorian….we get to see the boy in a tux….and spend time with the bother and his christian princess (of the "I understand you're a sinner" persuasion)

Today I get an email from the maiden aunts informing me that they will be in town from the 22nd to the 29th

Friends are going to visit B n B in Olalla for the long weekend and I’d like to go but can’t because of the dog sitting

I need to arrange a date for a Devil Ducks Reunion - I'm late!

In the middle of all this I’ve just committed to an online friend that I’d moderate his forum for Canadian Riders while he gets his life back in order….which means that I'm back to mod on 17 forums...

And sometime in all that I’d like to get some riding in

*sigh* - me thinks that the long weekend is happening on the wrong weekend for the way my life is unfolding

I’d take “leave the family at home for $0.10 Alex” if ya offered it that is…

Gak! - does anyone else hear "Flight of the Bumble Bee?"

Chapter 67

the sound: Jeff Healey Band – Cruel Little Number, Jeff Healey – I’m Tore Down, Jeff Healey – When Night Comes Falling, Jeff Healey Band – I Think I Love You Too Much, Jeff Healey Band – Roadhouse Blues, Jeff Healey Band – Angel Eyes

While Robert was getting out of jail, Barry was getting out of ICU and we were all able to go see him.

I rode in with Boomer, and Bald J and Little Man…and when we arrived at the hospital I was surprised to find that security was a little tighter. Tighter in that there were several police officers in Barry’s room trying to convince him to testify against his brother. Barry looked weak and anemic and to my eyes as helpless as a new born kitten.

Sitting in the corner of his room, facing the bed and the door in a large arm chair was Mrs. K furiously crocheting doilies but looking calm.

“You must work with my Séamas” she said to the officers in the room. “He’s the good boy young Séamas”.

“Séamas?” I thought “who the hell is Séamas?” and then watched Barry’s eyes twinkle as the police officers in the room asked what I was thinking.

“Mama calls us all by the names she gave us…we use the American versions when she’s not listening” Barry offered.

“Ah – now that makes some sense”

Mrs. K then spoke “surely you’re not thinking that this was more than an accident? My Roibhilín wouldna hurt his brother a purpose” she said with such firm conviction that I almost forgot I’d been there and seen the whole thing. I smiled watching her hands move over the crafting in her lap at the speed of light. Only a person that knew Mrs. K would know that she was unsettled as was reflected in her doily making extraordinaire.

Mrs. K got up to walk the police officers to the elevator and Barry shifted uncomfortably in the bed…”come fluff my pillows Baby” he whined. “I’m so completely bored…and I sure would love a beer”

As I stepped up to fluff the pillows Boomer leaned over and whispered that he and Bald J had a treat for Barry but it’d have to wait till Mrs. K went home for the day.

Mrs. K came back into the room to inform us that she and I would be heading back to the farm and that ‘those boys’ had just best leave Barry alone. I thought at first she meant police but then decided that she was talking about Boomer and Bald J. I suggested that I might stay with the boys but she allowed as how I should be thankful that she’d taken me ‘under her wing’ and she’d book no countenance but that I was to leave with her.

I was miffed…but I left with her. When she and I left the hospital we found Grey waiting out front in a large white Cadillac. He loaded his mother in the back seat on his side of the car and when he walked around to my side he asked quietly if I’d seen anything ‘suspicious’ while inside.

“Suspicious? Uhhhh…no? why?”

“Nothing” came the reply as we headed back to the farm.

I woke 3 hours later to the insistent sound of the phone in the farmhouse. It was Grey demanding that I get my ass up to the big house and stay with Mama.

“why? What’s going on?” I asked….only to be told that I needed to ask no questions…just get to the big house and to keep Mama away from the windows – to lay low until Robert or he arrived.

I made quick work of getting myself through the field and made it through the gate without notice. As I ran up the hill I heard the unmistakable sound of motorcycles entering the field from the far side. I slowed to a walk thinking that it was likely Grey and Robert and that I’d just let them catch up and explain what was going on. I’d almost stopped walking when the gunfire started.

I heard the sound of shots fired more shots than I could count. I heard screaming and swearing and then the sound of motorcycles approaching. I booked the last bit to the garden and then on to the big house. When I got there Mrs. K was standing on the veranda in a long blood red velvet dressing gown, as she stepped towards me I saw glimpses of pristine white satin lining. Her long white hair flowing in a mane down her back and she had all of her jewelry on.

She also had a shotgun in each hand. I came to a screeching halt on the top stair and she blinked once or twice before motioning me towards her. She handed me a shotgun and pointed to a box of shells on the table behind her….”I’ve just to close the last 2 of these shutters” she said to me as she strode back towards the windows.

“What’s going on?” I asked, too scared to be worried about how my cool factor seemed to have left the building with the firmness of my voice.

“Hopefully, nae more than we canna ‘andle child” she replied as she ushered me into the house bolting the door.

Chapter 66

the sound: Stevie Ray Vaughn – Tightrope, The Doors – Peace Frog, Trooper – We’re Here for a Good Time, Crosby Stills Nash & Young – Almost Cut My Hair, Janis Joplin – Try, Allman Bros – Midnight Rider

The constable walks over to the table and stands behind Robert’s chair. He clears his throat, looks at his mother and then down at his hands. “Robert I am obligated to tell you that you have the right to remain silent…” he begins.

His mother slaps the table top with the flat of her hand and for all intents and purposes it sounds suspiciously like a gunshot. (Having heard more than one in the last few days – it’s a likely comparison!) accompanied by the jangling of her large golden charm bracelet.

“Not till after me tea!” she exclaims in a voice that books no argument.

The constable feels a need, none the less, “but, but Mama – they’re waiting outside for me to bring him out” he stammers.

“well then,” says their mother, “they’ll be waiting outside longer, or they will be joining us….but you will not be taking your brother off to the hoosegow before the tea is done!”

“it’s ok Mama” Robert begins, “wee Jaimie’s just doing his job”

“wee?” I think

His mother’s response is a resounding “harrumph! Finish the tea!”

We all make haste to finish our tea. Mrs. K gets up as Robert does and begins to flutter about decidedly like someone approximately a third of her size. Robert turns to Jaimie and puts his hands up offering Jaimie the ability to re-cuff him.

“fat lot of good that’ll do” is Jaimie’s response…”Jesus, Mary and Joseph Robert…do not make me have to shoot you in Mama’s kitchen”

Once again the lips engage before the brain and I mutter into my teacup “why not?…he’s already shot Barry”.

No sooner did the words come out of my mouth than I realized my mistake. I peek up over the rim of my teacup to see everyone in the room staring at me, slack mouthed…”shit shit shit” is the best I can do.

Mrs. K whips around to face Robert and Jaimie. “did you shoot your brother? Is that the accident this child alluded to earlier….answer me boy! DID YOU SHOOT YOUR BABY BROTHER????” Funny, I think, how her accent disappears when she’s angry.

I look up at her and see snapping green eyes and two very red angry dots on her cheeks and think I am so very glad not to be on the receiving end of that just as Rosie plants a firm but vicious kick at my ankle under the table.

“Mumph! Ow!” I snort and choke on my tea.

Robert hangs his head and just shakes it back and forth…”Mama – you know the way he gets…he just never stops….on and on and on….and it get’s on my nerves”

“so you shoot him? HE GETS ON YOUR NERVES SO YOU SHOT HIM?” her voice rises an octave and a decibel. She pauses and then gets deadly quiet….“Roibhilín - you are you father’s son…and we all know what a waste of whiskey he was…you get out of this home and you do not return until you can bring your brother home and home healthy!”

“Well the Dr said he’s gonna be fine!” I pipe up and then slump down in my chair at the rather vivid glare’s I get from all the people in the room.

Robert and Jaimie head towards the kitchen door, Grey stands and moves towards his mother…who turns to me and says with some vehemence…”You! Young lady!…You are going to get yourself into some verra verra serious trouble if you don’t learn to curb that tongue!” I notice that the accent is back.

Grey and Rosie both turn to look at me as we hear the sound of Robert and Jaimie leave via the front door and the screen door slams behind them.

“yer not saying anything my own mother hasn’t been trying to tell me most of my life” I mutter yet again.

“THEN LISTEN TO HER!” the very dignified Mrs K shrieks at me in a most undignified manner. “If you learn nothing…learn when to be still!”

“Point taken” I reply as she begins to weep.

Three days later Robert, who has been charged with 2 counts of assaulting a police officer and vandalism of city property for the damage done to the parking meters he'd kicked the tops off of is let out on his mother’s bond.

While he’s been gone, I’ve been making myself comfortable in his house and spending a lot of time with his sister and his mother. I’ve been learning important girl things like how to can vegetables, how to hoe a row, how to crochet doilies and the most all important – how to wash and iron those all stark whit Irish linen napkins and table cloths.

Chapter 65

the sound: Chilliwack – I Believe, Chilliwack – Whatcha Gonna Do?, Chilliwack – My Girl, Chilliwack – There’s Something I like About That, Chilliwack – Crazy Talk, Chlliwack – Fly at Night

Tea poured, sandwiches on plates, the only sounds to be heard were those of people gently stirring lemon and sugar into their tea cups.

I surreptitiously searched the table for cream and finally gave up without the nerve to ask, stirring lemon and sugar into my tea as well.

I shook my head slightly amused by the fact that I’ve always been a weak tea drinker, “first pour” my father’d say. This stuff looked like 40 weight oil and could likely have stood one of those silver teaspoons up in it and here’s me with no cream.

Mrs. Kirkpatrick cleared her throat. “Well then Miss Karen…maybe you’ll be about explaining to me where my Buadhach is, and what exactly Roibhilín has done to afford himself such pretty new bracelets?”

I’m caught again…deer in the headlights, tea cup half way to my mouth, lips pursed to slurp “Fuck!” I think as Robert starts “now…..now Mama…”

“Silence!” she barks. “I’m after asking this young woman!” as one, everyone at the table turns to look at me and I can’t help but think again “plant a potato, get a potato”…. they all 3 of them carry their mother’s visage.

I blink once or twice and put my cup down, thankfully in the saucer.

I clear my throat as I look to the eyes of the 3 people I’ve spent the last few days with. “Well uhmmm, you see Mrs. Kirkpatrick…it’s like this” I begin and fade off.

“Yes child?” she prods.

“Well there was this accident see, and Barry he kinda got hurt but it’s okcosRosiealmosthadhimfixedandGreyandRobert
tookhimtothehospitalandtheyoperatedbuthe’soknow!….”
I pause for a breath and realize that Rosie, Grey and Robert look stricken.

“An accident?” she says stressing the word and then nods briskly. “and the bracelets?” she asks.

Now I’m scared and going for broke…I don’t have a flaming idea which direction to go in but think the truth is too over the top even for me…and I saw it with my own eyes so….

“uhmmm…it er that…uhhhh it was kinda funny sorta” I begin hesitantly and look up in time to see Robert give the slightest shake of his head.

“yes?” she asks again

“well I wanted to see how they worked and then I lost the key and then we had no choice but to cut them apart!” I race in one breath. “really it’s all very silly” I finish.

Robert, Rosie and Grey sigh in unison.

“Well,” she says and then stops to sip her tea. “a fine story that is. Now….who’s going to be after telling me the truth?

Do.Not.Make.Me.Ask.This.Question.Again!” she forces out with such quiet vehemence that I’m sure the finish is blistering off of the table and possibly even the chair I am sitting on.

The four of us sit with our heads hung.

I can’t imagine what exactly can get any worse when I hear the screen door at the front of the house slam. All four of us jump at the noise, Mrs. Kirkpatrick sits unsurprised.

In unison we turn to face the kitchen to hallway door as into the kitchen steps a police officer, tall, muscular, red headed and unmistakably another of the Kirkpatrick brood.

“Ah, Constable” Mrs. Kirkpatrick announces with a smile on her face, “will you be joining us for our tea?”

“No Mama, I won’t” the policeman says and my jaw literally hits the table.

Chapter 64

the sound: Tom Waits – For No One, Tom Waits – Chocolate Jesus, Tom Waits – Hold On, Tom Waits – Take me Home, Tom Waits – Elephant Beer Blues, Tom Waits – The Piano Has Been Drinking, Tom Waits – Tom Traubert’s Blues

Mrs. Kirkpatrick introduced herself to me as we followed her 3 huge children out the door of the den, through the vestibule and down the hallway to the kitchen.

She asked how I knew her children and I told her that I’d met them through a friend and that they’d been kind enough to “put me up” while I was here.

She seemed pleased at the implication that they had manners.

As we stepped into the warm sunny kitchen I was totally shocked to see Rosie tying on a big, gingham, ruffled and bibbed apron as she walked towards the pantry.

Then I turned my head to the left in time to see Robert and Grey dutifully setting the huge table with a lovely matched set of china teacups and cake plates not to mention sterling silver cutlery complete with real teaspoons.

It was all I could do to keep from barking out a laugh as I watched Robert’s great big hands manipulating a pair of sugar tines while he quietly and patiently piled sugar cubes into a lovely white pyramid.

The table at the right end of the kitchen was polished cherry wood and likely large enough to seat 15, 20 if you all got up close and personal like. There were 2 huge ladder back chairs with armrests looking suspiciously like thrones at each end and high back wooden chairs along each side of the table.

The King seat sat facing the French doors to the side veranda and overlooking the water with its back to the kitchen. It was empty of place setting while the Queen seat, facing the kitchen with its back to the doors was set with a lovely crocheted doily placemat topped with a thick paisley trivet. On the trivet was the cup and saucer, the tea service on a tray in front of the Queen seat.

Along both sides of the table in the chairs closest to the Queen seat where seats for the four of us. Each with its own matching doily placemat in sunshine yellow topped with a paisley trivet.

As we got to the table I began to wonder at the possible cost of the furniture itself, forget about the tea service and the crystal decanters of amber fluid that sat on the sideboard across from the table.

“I’d pay a dollar for about a gallon of that amber liquid just now” I snorted to myself.

The massive shelves of the sideboard held about 30 of those Royal Dalton figurines my mother was so fond of.

“I am so, so outta my league” I thought just as Grey showed up at my elbow with a china platter of teeny tiny sandwiches…no crust…looked like cucumber or water cress.

“ok, that cut’s it….I’m fucked” I thought and turned towards Rosie in time to see her pouring hot water out of the largest china tea pot I’ve ever seen.

She had her tongue stuck out the corner of her mouth and I had time to think that she looked just like she did with the first aid kit in her hand while running to rescue one of her idiot brothers when they’d shot someone, then she looked up and our eyes met. She started as if she was surprised to see me and then blushed.

I watched in wonder as the red flushed slowly up Rosie’s neck to her face and then she bobbed her head down to pour water over the tea leaves she’d dropped in the pot.

“Siobhan?” Mrs. Kirkpatrick queried…”are we nigh ready dear?”

“yes ma’am” Rosie replied as she hurriedly pulled the cozy over the tea pot and rushed towards the table.

Robert places a tray of ‘petite fours’ on the table and hastened to help his mother be seated. Mrs. Kirkpatrick sat in the Queen seat with Robert and myself on one side and Grey and Rosie on the other facing us.

I watched with some amusement as all four of them in virtual unison pulled their clean crisp white Irish linen napkins out from under their butter knives and gently opened them to place them on their laps. I hastened to follow suit.

Then 3 adult Kirkpatrick children sat quietly, heads bowed, hands in their laps while their mother looked at me inquiringly until by some grace a light went on in my head and I too bowed my head.

“Roibhilín, the grace?” Mrs. K asked and in reply, wonders of wonders, surprise, surprise….that big tough, gun toting, Jack Daniels swilling, goat butchering, cussing and shooting bad ass biker Robert quietly blessed our food.

You could have knocked me over with a feather!

A Legend in my own mind....

?

Chapter 63

the sound: Celtic Music 1 – Son ar Chistr/Willie’s Lady, Celtic Music 2 – The Cherry Tree Carol, Celtic Music 3 – She Moves Through the Fair, Celtic Music 4 – Mary Hamilton, Celtic Music 5 – Bony Portmore

“Uhmmm hi!….” I stuttered, “I...I’m Baby…”

“Not really?” she replied as she held out her hand beckoning me forward into the room. “Come into the den so I can better see you little one.”

As we filed into the den I felt myself sort of pushed forward and glanced behind me to see all three of the people I was with trying to make themselves look smaller…no small feat for 3 people over 6 ft, but then it was no surprise they were all so large considering the size of the woman in front of me.

Once she hand me by the hand she leaned down towards me and said with great patience…”I asked you your name child”…

I sighed at the slight lilt to her words. I swear to god I heard harps. I shook my head.

“m m my name? uhhhmmmm…..K….K…..Karen” I mumbled out giving my real first name for the fist time since I’d arrived in Minnesota.

“My name is Karen” I repeated with conviction when she raised an eyebrow towards me. Just like I knew what I was talking about.

“And how did you come to my home?” the lady asked

“inna truck” was my reply immediately followed by a quick mental smacking of myself on the forehead “what are ya? new? Inna truck? What kinda answer is that?”

“You know what I meant child” the lady smiled and asked as I realized that she really was ‘a lady’ in the truest sense of the word.

I nodded as she turned to Rosie “Siobhan will make us the tea” she smiled knowingly, “come to the kitchen while Tyrone and Roibhilín prepare the table.”

“huh? What? Siobhan? Tyrone? Roibhilín?” I thought…as I watched the 3 large adults I’d entered the house with scuttle off as obedient children to fill their mother’s wishes.

“I feel like I’ve dropped into an episode of the Twilight Zone! What the simple hell could possibly be up now?”