Shame

I woke up crying
again this morning

I dreamt I'd lost my baby
I dreamt I was standing
over her cradle
and my baby is gone

I wake to the horror
of helplessness

I wake with a heart pounding
head banging fear
tears rolling down my face
chest heaving
full of dread
feeling powerless
once again

in time
I realize where I am
and while my heart pounds less
and my head bangs less
the tears are slower to stop

the dread doesn't leave
the conviction of hopelessness
doesn't lessen
and the tears come back easily
as if they have
a mind of their own

this loss
that I have felt
for close to 40 years
has returned
with a vengeance

this loss
that I was so sure
that you
of all people
understood

this dread
the absolute horror
in the pit of my stomach
lives as a physical entity
and truly hasn't left me in months

this loss has become
my constant companion
since the day you chose
to change my life

as my day goes on
I am unable to shake the
the inconceivable feeling
that there are no choices in life
that the very basis
of my personal beliefs
have been haphazardly changed

that I can no longer trust myself
to know the truth
when it presents itself...

because I know
that no matter
how long and hard
you think on something
before you make a decision

in the end
someone else
can take the choice from you
some one will betray
your love and confidence

they will make it their will

they will do
what they want
in spite of you
or your wishes

and you will be forever changed

we've increased the meds
and I've continued to carry on
with my relationships
and my life
as best I can
although I find it hard
due to your need to follow me everywhere
as if the very act of showing up
would absolve you
of your sin

in the end
you did this

you took my trust
and my reliance
on your integrity
your strength
your abilities
and my confidence in you
and you betrayed me

you forced your will on me

No amount of denial will change
the fact that you have irrevocably changed my life

No amount of you saying
you didn't do anything wrong
will change the fact
that in the end
you did what you did....
unthinkingly
heartbreakingly
sadly

as time goes on
I plaster a smile on my face
and I try to move forward

I am often successful
to the outward eye
and people have no idea
how shut down I am
inside

how little I truly feel
how the hate and disgust
I held for you
when it first happened

have been replaced
by a never ending dread
and loss

how the hurt
like acid
is eating me
from the inside
out

They truly have no idea

How ashamed I am
that I ever called you friend




I Don't Care Anymore - Phil Collins

Well you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell everybody bout the state I'm in
You wont catch me crying cos I just cant win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

cos Ive been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I wont be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
cos every day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey Ill do alright by myself
cos I know.

cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really aint bothered what you think of me
cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore do you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I wont be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
Do you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more!

You know I don't care no more!