people just don't get it

the whole
what it's like
to live with a debilitating disease
(er two er three) thing that is

take the fadder (please?)

he's in town for the weekend
stayin at the cuz's place

we meet for breaky
and we have a talk about my health
whereby I tell him all about
how I feel like I'm finally coming out
of the end of a dark tunnel
and I recognize that
it took years to get here
so it's baby steps
going forward
but I'm determined
to find a way
to make these diseases
live together
and play nice
and that's why I'm spending
so much time with the Dr's
cos they have answers I don't have

I also say
that I recognize
that it ain't gonna be pretty
and it's gonna take a long time
but I'm determined

his response
is to tell me this story
about his latest chicklette

who's a spry 67 yrs old
had a stroke
was in a scooter
etc etc
decided that she loved boxing
lived close to a gym
developed a relationship with a
personal trainer
and now she's running marathons

I find it exasperating but still
I say "see...that just proves to me
that I will be able to find a way to
get thru this"

his response is..."just get some exercise"
*insert dumbfounded expression here*

I try yet again
to explain the problem with my legs

and he doesn't get it

yet he's actually had surgery
on one of his Achilles tendons
for exactly the same problem I have
and was in a brace for a year before the
surgery

but he don't get it

so I go and pick up the VOD at noon
we go to the grocery store
and the pharmacy
and are back at her house by 2pm

and my left heel is so sore
I would rather cut off a breast
than put any weight on it

every step feels like
someone is cutting my
Achilles tendon

and I'm realistic enough
to recognize
that it's like
exacerbated
by my weight
(I am not an idiot ya know)

I get home by 3
and it hurts so bad
all I can think of is gettin
off of it
and maybe pukin

and he doesn't understand
why I'm not exercising?

3 hrs on my feet
and I'd rather live
in the crazy cat lady's house
than do laundry
or wash the kitchen floor

people think I'm lazy
and that's why I'm fat

but I'm not

I'd way rather go back to
the shape I was in 10 years ago
than hurt like this
from just being on my feet
for 3 hours

I'd way rather be able to eat
vegetables...
I'd kill for green beans
and I'd likely sell body parts
for one single apple
but I know what both of those things would do to me
just like I know that
a bite er two of broccoli
will land me in the hospital

so I'm not fat
cos I'm lazy
and I'm not fat
cos I wanna be
and I'm not fat
cos I don't care

I'm fat
cos I can't eat what I want
or what's good for me

I'm fat
cos I sit and wait
for the pain to go away

and that right there
is the truth of my existence.