Friday, April 29, 2005

Sometimes...

Sometimes....

in the dark
in the middle
of the night

I am overwhelmed
with sadness

for no reason...
or for reasons


too numerous
to ascertain

I am tired
of the sameness
of my life

but terrified
of the changes

it's ok
though

cos it's only
Sometimes...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Sexy Sounds Abound...

Talkin about sexy music
the jazz piece in question has been found!

It's called "Nature Boy"
played by
John Hassell
with Ronu Majumdar

can be found on John Hassell's "Fascinoma" album
dreaming of dark eyes n thick lashes to this one
can be positively heart stopping
the veritable wet dream looking for a place to happen

but hey...don't buy the album....
that's what rippin is for!

and speaking of rippin and sexy music...

how about "Bye Bye Blues" by Bang Bang
for you techno fans (sets a serious driving beat)

or "Riviera Paradise"
for those of you that like
Stevie Ray's guitar riffs

D'Angelo "how does it feel" for heat (remember that double 6 pack? yum yum?)
Dave Mathews "Crash" for mood
Darren Hayes "Insatiable" for those of you that are...

and romantic lyrics that just don't quit
Sting "Fragile" for the wistful
Anything by Chris Botti for the sated
Evanescence "My Immortal" for the wail when the dirty deed is done

and "Adagio for Strings" from the Platoon soundtrack
just to haunt you and bring you back to the beginning


and for the love birds..."At Last" by the original "sexy" girl
Etta James

Sade..the early stuff
Enigma the original album
some
Santana

I could go on for days...

"Music soothes the savage beast"

and it don't do the heart no harm either!

Angel Eyes

I have a question

last night I was flipping channels
and came across part of a movie

called Angel Eyes
starring Jennifer Lopez

not my usual cup of tea
but when I flipped on to the channel

she and the lead male character
were in a jazz club waltzing...
and he ends up getting up on stage
and playing this beautiful trumpet/horn piece
accompanied by a flutist.

I have searched high and low
and can't find the name of the piece.
I did find out that the music
was not played by the actor
but likely by a Toronto Jazz musician named Nick "Brownman" Ali...

anyone have any idea where else I could look? or better yet
what it was called and who played it?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Sunshine and Sadness...

today I went for an 8 hr ride with my club

the sun was shining and I was thinking that
life's pretty good inspite of it all

when we stop for lunch
one of the young guys makes a crack about
how I prolly can't reach my toes
cos I'm so "obese"

I wanted to get in his face
and scream at him...
"do you think I chose to look like this?
do you think if I had a choice
I'd choose to not ever be able to buy offa the rack?
do you think I like not fittin in airplane seats?
do you think I choose to huff n puff tieing up my shoes?
do you think I like this?

this body that men and women both once longed for?
do you think that I like this?
or...
do you think at all?"

people just don't get it
they think I'm this big cos I'm lazy
they have no idea the hours I spend yearning
for long walks
and eating fruit and veg
the hours spent planning for "when I'm well"
the things I have to give up to be able to go on rides
one fucking day a week

fuck'em
fuck'em all

then I get home and find a message
to call the Voice of Doom

"Sam's dead" she says

she's hurting bad
(and the champagne likely ain't helping)
Jim's a mess
Kelly's a mess
even Digger is sad

Sam played a big role in our lives
if he hadn't have believed in Do
when she and Digger split up
there'd never have been a sales agency
and Jim and I likely would be flippin burgers to this day

(my little voice says)
but you didn't even like him
he was a racist, sexist pig
ya
he was
but he loved my family
and I guess
that says it all

So here's one for Sam
who said
"no fuckin service and NO fuckin flowers"

here's one for Sam
who knew he was dieing
so he walked out the front door of the hospital
and got on a city bus
rode it home
and died in his own bed
an hour later

props to the man who lived his life
his own way...

by all the gods
he was loved.

RIP
Sam Suche

Saturday, April 23, 2005

t'would seem

that in an effort to be honest and ethical
I have pissed my sister off so bad
she won't talk to me

in my mind
I can come up with about 40 ways to address this
I tried sending her an email
that said

"please don't be angry
it's just that I couldn't see myself having told you it was gonna be 299.99
and then calling you and saying that it was actually 200.00 more
I love that you want to buy me an Ipod
my motivation was more to not take advantage of your generosity"

and she's still not talking to me
so at this point
I gotta say

It's her loss

I'm going to play in the sun!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

15 things it took me 50 years to learn...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) TRUE!

14. Your friends love you anyway

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Blue - Lucinda Williams

Go find a jukebox
And see what a quarter will do
I don't wanna talk
I just wanna go back to blue

Feeds me when I'm hungry
And quenches my thirst
Loves me when I'm lonely
And thinks of me first

Blue is the color of night
When the red sund disappears from the sky

Raven feathers shiny and black
A touch of blue glistening down her back

We don't talk about heaven
And we don't talk about hell
We've come to depend on
One another so damn well

So go to confession
Whatever gets you through
You can count your blessings
I'll just count on blue

Sunday, April 17, 2005

color me nuts

the deal with the birthday present is that I get it
and send the sister the bill

so

I drove into Future Shop
twice
honest

but I get there

and start actually talking money
my eyes glaze over
and I get all shaky
I guess I'm a lost cause

the ipod I like is not 349.99 it's 439.99
the Ipod mini is 249.99
but it only holds 1500 songs...
and I'm already there
so the one that I thought was 349.99 is actually 379.99 and has 20 gb....

I got real close to getting one and then......

"but hey there's the battery thing" says the clerk

I go "what battery thing?"

she says "the 20 gb is 379.99 and the battery play time lasts about 5hrs....but the new ones are 30gb and the battery lasts 18 hrs...and has a color screen and you can load photos on it too....but you don't have to worry about replacing the battery for at least a year to a year and a half...and a new one is only 158.00 and you have to send it to Apple to get that done....unless you buy one of our extended warranty packages because with one of them it means that when the battery goes it's our problem not yours"

"so you have to pay to replace the batteries?"

oh ya"

she says at which point I left the store
turns out I can't do it
I just can't frivolously spend someone else's money on something that expensive
when I know that both of us could put the money to better use...

christ Kelly...
you just had surgery...
you ain't even working right now....

thanks Kelly
I love you right to death
but
I am apparently too frugal for my own fucking good

Family - Go Figure?

Every once in a while they surprise ya
don't they?
my kid sister called me early this morning
to tell me that seein as I'm cracking a half century this year
she's gonna purchase the ipod of my dreams for me for my birthday

cos I'm too cheap to get one for myself
I can always find something more important to spend that money on...
like....
hmmmmm...
I don't know?
groceries?
rent?
unimportant stuff like that there

so altho I'm not turning 50 till the end of July
she wants me to get it now

so that I can have it for the full riding season

and the only payoff she wants
is to be able to hear me say out loud
I'm 50


at which point she giggles like a little kid
what a kid eh? (she's only 42)
I am all farklempt

and if yer looking for me today
I'll be standing in line at Future Shop
waiting for them to unlock the door!

and Kelly....
I"M GONNA BE 50 JULY 28 2005!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Showing One's Age

memories are a funny thing

today...during a conversation with Kelly
I had to admit out loud that I'm going to be 50 in July
I joke around all the time
about "how the hell did that happen?"
and
"where the hell was I when that happened?"

but the truth is
I'm kinda proud of it

there were times when I was positive
that I wasn't ever going to make it
just as
there were times when my health
was bad enough that I didn't want to make it

one of the things that aided me thru the years
is my ability to submerse myself in a book
I've always been able to read
and lose myself enough
that I could step away
from the reality of the day to day
for a while

I've read a lot of crap
and
I've read a lot of good stuff

a lot of people suggest that TV
was the downfall of reading
but I don't think so
I feel like it's a sort of adendum to reading...
just like movies

that being said
if a movie is based on a book you've read
don't expect the story to be the same
...but I digress

today I was flippin channels
while waiting for my supper to cook
and on PBS I stumble across an old Lawrence Welk show

the Lennon Sisters

and all of a sudden I am transported back
to being young
and curling up with one of my first hard covered books
the thrill of reading a Janet Lennon story.
(here's where showing my age comes in)
remember those books?
Dale Evans, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys...

the kids now days would read those stories
and laugh at how "sad" they are
wouldn't you rather that your kids
and grandkids
read them
instead of learning about Britney's pregnancy
from People magazine?

yup
I'm gettin old

Evanescence

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

more blahs

I hate being held captive by my health
I damn near walked off the job yesterday
had my coat on and was ready to leave
and then stopped at the door and remembered
that it was the medical plan the got me there in the first place
if I don't have medical I have to give up
trike insurance
car insurance
cell phone
tv cable
adsl
gas
and likely groceries
to cover medicine costs

but fuck a duck soundly
I'm fed up with that place this week

sometimes this business of being and adult
and making sound adult decisions
sux

later....

Friday, April 15, 2005

blah blah blah

I've got the blah's
my job (that used to be fun)
ain't so much right now
the weather is pissin me off...
it should stop raining and get warm
sometime this year
but I am impatient
and what the hell happened
to the good housekeeping fairy?

blah blah blah

Sunday, April 10, 2005

seems to me.....later

there's something to be said for
complete physical exhaustion

when I get home from a day of club riding
because I am not in the best of health/shape
I go thru this series of awareness as I warm up
and relax

first it's the relief

over the idea that your fingers
are all still there
and the end of your nose

is not frostbitten
in spite of how freakin cold
you thought is was

then as you warm up
the lethargy seeps in...
slowly
slowly
you settle in

you find it hard to cross you legs
your arm falls off the rest
your eyes flutter lower and lower

and all of a sudden you jolt awake
and discover all them muscles

that you haven't used
since this time last year

do ya suppose if the doctor gave me permission
I'd actually "work out"?


or have I had too many years of waiting
too many years of the dr's saying
maybe next month...
and maybe next season...


till one day ya wake up a fat bald 50 old
with no one to blame but your health


hardly seems fair
do it?


all my life I've heard people say...
"but inside I'm only 21/17/40"

I don't feel like that

I feel like I earned every damn year
and I know I earned every damn lb...

oh well
the eyes are starting to droop again
and I'm likely to heat for the rack
8:30 at night
and I am going to bed

shit...I AM old.

seems to me...

that winter is too long
and summer is too short
er
the actual holiday part is anyway....

went on a club ride today
by the time I get all my gear on
I can't bend my arms
I feel like a kid in a snow suit

rode up to Duncan and met up with
the northern crew
and then the whole southern crew
clucked out and we went home

it was quite chilly on the way up
(thank all the gods for the guy that invented long johns)
on the way back I went to Canadian Tire
where they have pop up tents on half price
I am the proud owner of a brand new pop up 3 person tent

life don't get no better n dat!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Displaced - Azure Ray

DISPLACED
It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If I can just hold on tonight
I know that nothing
Nothing survives
Nothing survives
I think i'm turned around
I'm looking up
Not looking down
And when i'm standing still
Watching you run
Watching you fall
Fall into me
Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced
And she's my friend of all friends
She's still here when everyone's gone
She doesn't have to say a thing
We'll just keep laughing all night long
All night long
Am I making something worthwhile out of this place
Am I making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced
It's just a simple line I can still hear it all of the time
If i can just hold on tonight
I know that no one
No one survives
No one survives.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

things are lookin up

today my boss at the call center sent me the following:

WyzWmn (sic) is quickly becoming one of the strongest team leads at (Corp). (Wyz's)'s no bull attitude, is offset by devotion to team and drive to support individual needs such as pay discrepancies, schedule changes and days off. Further (Wyz) has earned respect from her team through sheer tenacity for answers to assist in her CSR's daily interaction with Business Customers and the Client. (Wyz)'s current stats reflect motivated team work towards team and center goals. AHT 105 pts lower than bottom goal, QA 90%. Nice Job Wyz(sic)!

I am all farklempt

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Monday, April 04, 2005

AAAAAAARGH!

what a completely cruddy day at work
I was like a dog chasin my tail all freakin day long

that place is gonna make me drink
no
it's gonna make me do drugs
no
it's gonna make me drink and do drugs

sheeeeeeeeitfire and damnation
that sucked

ok
I feel better now!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

there but for the grace....

ya know
every once in a while
ya get so caught up
in the ups and downs of yer own life
that you forget that other people have lives too

I've been kinda pouty about not being healthy enough
to go out and get a real job
cos I want to make enough money to get my ride fixed up
safely and aesthetically

and I want a travel trailer
so I don't have to sleep on the ground no more
but I need to stay where I am cos of the health benefits
and how where I am is ok
but I ain't gettin rich
waaa waaa waaa

last week after a particularly despicable day
I was talking with a friend
ostensibly to whine
however
she looks shell shocked
she tells me that she's just had an employee in her office
the woman needs to take some time off
this poor woman lost a child in a car accident a little over a year ago
then she got pregnant with twins
and lost them a month or so ago
as a result her husband (whom shall now and forever be known as "the asshole")
left her cos he believes she "killed" his kids
and now her mother - who is her sole support network
has been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor

shit eh?
life just ain't fair

a woman I work with has been going to doctor's for months
to find out why she's been getting these unrelenting headaches
she's had 3 MRI's that have all come back clean
but she keeps going back cos the pain in her head
makes her want to blow her own head off...

she goes to a specialist on Friday
and he says that she has a tumor in her head
big enough to require an operation
and it's benign but hey
it's brain surgery

shit eh?
life just ain't fair


I know this lady
I've known her about a year and a half
she's rubbed me the wrong way once er twice
she frenetic...and needs to be the center of attention
I find out today that it's residual effects of life changing trauma

shit eh?
life just ain't fair


so I have alopeacia
and I have crohn's disease
and I have a hiatus hernia
and I have bronchitis
and I have inflammatory arthritis
etc etc etc

but shit eh?
I know life just ain't fair
cos there but for the grace of the gods go I...

Saturday, April 02, 2005

The Time Between

This is the time between
The quiet time
The time for reckoning
This is the time between
The magic time
The time for forces unseen
This is the time between
The changing time
The time for fairies to dream
This is the time between
The dawning time
The time for spiritual awakening
This is the time between

Doesn't this just look like someplace you'd love to be?
WyzWmn

Did ya ever notice

how in yer dreams
you look

and sound
and feel
like the you
you always thought
you should be?

just wondering?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Zippy The Clown

I was reminded
today at work
about the time I was Zippy the Clown
for a day

well
actually
it's prolly happened more n oncet in my life
but this one bears repeating

so 2 summer's ago
I was about to make the big trek over the Coquillhalla to go to Summer Stomp
(for those of you non-riding, non-BCer's -that's a weekend motorcycle bash held in Salmon Arm)

well you know me
I'm a girl scout
so I get me all prepared like
I buy all the supplies I need to go camping for the weekend
cos I can carry everything but the kitchen sink on my big green motorPickle!
and while I'm doing so I buy a tube of lip gloss that has SPF 30 in it
cos I always sun burn my yap when riding in the summer

round about the same time

I also bought a tube of vivid red gloss
prompted by the Voice of Doom
who spends a lotta time squawking

about me not doing face paint no more

anyway
the day I start my holiday dawns bright and clear
the sun is shining

and there I am
waiting for the first ferry of the day
to get off this big ole rock

on the ferry I go
across the sound I go
off the ferry I go
skirting the city I go
on to Hope and the Coquillhalla I go
about half way over the mountain there's a toll booth

I am havin a blast!
first holiday off the island since I moved to BC
and I am motoring coolness

it occurs to me

as I am blasting along in the sunshine
that I'm likely burning my yap


without looking
I reach in my pocket
grab a tube of lip stuff
and spread it all over my lips

and then for good measure...
~cos ya don't wanna get chin cancer
I paint a liberal coat over the top of my lips
just to make sure I don't get burnt

a while later I arrive at the toll booth
all my coolness intact
I stop and take off my glove

and pass the toll booth guy some cash

it's not till I reach up to pass him the cash that I look at his face
and he's got that deer caught in the headlights look on his face

I thinks to meself
"that's odd"
and as I lower my hand

I catch sight of my face in the side mirror

*oh crap!*

you guessed it
I'd spread red lipstick all over my chin
in lieu of gloss

~sigh~
there's goes your coolness factor you moron!

"just call me Zippy the Clown" says I

the toll booth guy just continues to look stunned
as I and rode over to the facilities
to wash the lower half of my face
and hang my head in shame!!

Desiderata

***************************
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater
and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession
in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity
and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.