The Lord of the Rings...

where did you first learn about
LOR?

how old were you when you first read
the trilogy?

I was 14
the same age as the final book...
but I found it here first

it was my second LP

Van Hunt - Daredevil Baby

Found this over to Sista Toldja

and I'm thinkin it makes some nice Friday night listening....

clown's really just a man who
once dared to make his dreams come true
and make up hides the damage from the crash and burn
when he told her that he loved her

the wind was blowing way to strong that day
the clouds drifted and the trees swayed
words are the chances that we take
words/[some things] are better left unexplained

you don't know anything
till you open up your heart
and find that you can't stop bleeding
til you playing with your cards out on the table flying
flying without wings
your a daredevil baby
your a daredevil baby

he fell hard in love as he [progressed]?
he looked but she was nowhere to be found
he hoped she'd soon forget
everything that he had shared

you don't know anything
till you open up your heart
and find that you can't stop bleeding
til you playing with your cards out on the table flying
flying without wings
you're a daredevil baby
you're a daredevil baby

girl i want to be a superman
give me half a chance
girl i want to be a superman
give me half a chance

girl i wanta be a superman
give me half a chance
girl i wanna be a super man
give me half a chance

the eyes have it ....again....

I'm still having the devil of a time with my eyes

for the first time in my life I understand the term "tired eyes" and when they are not tired they are sore or itchy...

my extending or "big picture" vision is ok for the most part...it's the minute stuff that's a challenge...I have to work at focusing for reading the written word on the page or on the screen

The prescribed drops..while working on the big issue...burn like a sonofabitch....however, we've pretty much been able to ascertain that these headaches are stemming from overuse of my eyes coupled with the Cogan's Dystrophy and I sincerely hope there's been no long term damage...

My computer time is limited because of the focusing issue and this new medication makes me much more light sensitive (like I needed help eh?) so I have to save the lion's share of what time I have for work...cos I do have to pay rent

the real kicker for me is the doing nothing when I'm off thing...I can sit still with the best of them, that's as a result of years of being sick...but for the last 10 years if I'm not on line...I'm reading or watching TV....

and right now it's not like I can read or watch TV - but I can drive...cos I can see the big picture....

bah!

Yup...I am once again...a paradox of my own making...

I have no idea how long it will be before I can go back to spending regular time on line...and I'm sorry for that... I feel like I'm letting people down

but I also know if I don't take care of my eyes...I may damage them permanently...and that would mean that I'd be this kind of limited this for the rest of my life...

I mean really.... I worked as a volunteer for the Ride for Sight for 20 years.... I musta learned nuttin!

Vindication!

I’ve been fighting with my GP for 4 years over an ongoing issue with my eyes. In the last 21 days I have lost 8 days of work – I wake up feeling like there is glass in my eyes…they start to run – pour actually…which involves my sinuses and I end up in bed with a sinus headache that is only cured by dark, sleep and quiet…just like a migraine only not quite…(and just try to find some quiet in this freakin building I tell ya!)

For 4 years I’ve been under the impression (from my GP) that I have Lagophthalmos – and treating my eyes for same with little or no respite. I’ve been putting gel in my eyes and taping my damn eye’s shut at night cos the GP said it was my eyes opening a crack while I sleep that was causing the problem.

Last Wednesday I went to the Dr and told him I wanted a referral to an ophthalmologist…(I actually had one of my world class temper tantrums on him) that it was just too much to deal with…apparently he got the message as I got a referral to a really good ophthalmologist for this morning….that quickly and I know he’s good cos he’s the one that actually did the VOD’s cataract operations.

He says I don’t have Lagophthalmos – what I have is Cogan's Dystrophy (Map-Dot-Fingerprint Dystrophy). He says that it can be genetic, and that millions of people have it to a degree but never suffer the effects that I have. He says DO NOT TAPE YER EYES SHUT! It apparently causes more trouble than helps.

But the best news is that he says that it’s treatable – first with eye drops for day and gel drops for night…and if that doesn’t work there’s laser surgery that can fix it.

He asked why I’d taken 4 years to come see him and I told him cos it had taken me 4 years to get a referral….In my GP’s defense…apparently over my years of working with him he’s got to the stage where he only reacts when I flip out…so apparently I’ll be flipping out more regularly if I have long term problems in the future. LoL

I just am so pleased that I have an answer…it’s not in my head it’s in my damn eyes!

Liar

I won't ever leave while you want me to stay
Nothing you could do that would turn me away
Hanging on every word
Believing the things I heard
Being a fool
You've taken my life, so take my soul
That's what you said and I believed it all
I want to be with you as long
As you want me to
I won't move away
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Liar, liar, liar
May I see no night
May I see no day
If I ever leave while you want me to stay
You can believe in me
I won't be leaving
I won't let you go
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Liar, liar, liar

I'm on to you...
I know what you are doing...

Five Humans

I don't often voice my personal support for any specific company
but in this case I will make an exception

Five Humans

Five Humans is a t-shirt company with a real voice...

have a look
you may be surprised...

honest.

The Return - Geneen Marie Haugen

Some day, if you are lucky,
you’ll return from a thunderous journey
trailing snake scales, wing fragments
and the musk of Earth and moon.

Eyes will examine you for signs
of damage, or change
and you, too, will wonder
if your skin shows traces

of fur, or leaves,
if thrushes have built a nest
of your hair, if Andromeda
burns from your eyes.

Do not be surprised by prickly questions
from those who barely inhabit
their own fleeting lives, who barely taste
their own possibility, who barely dream.

If your hands are empty, treasureless,
if your toes have not grown claws,
if your obedient voice has not
become a wild cry, a howl,

you will reassure them. We warned you,
they might declare, there is nothing else,
no point, no meaning, no mystery at all,
just this frantic waiting to die.

And yet, they tremble, mute,
afraid you’ve returned without sweet
elixir for unspeakable thirst, without
a fluent dance or holy language

to teach them, without a compass
bearing to a forgotten border where
no one crosses without weeping
for the terrible beauty of galaxies

and granite and bone. They tremble,
hoping your lips hold a secret,
that the song your body now sings
will redeem them, yet they fear

your secret is dangerous, shattering,
and once it flies from your astonished
mouth, they–like you–must disintegrate
before unfolding tremulous wings.

I just don't know.....

ok
first off
Bear n Kimmie...
I seem to be getting my "writing on"
this week
so who knows if there's a chapter coming soon?
LoL

some of you may remember the story of my "missing" friend

the "Cole's Notes" version
(cos there may be a story in that whole thing too)
is that she was from here...and moved to ON in her teens
became friends with myself and my family
became like a member of the family for 20 odd years
married poorly
had a couple of kids
moved back here to get away
from said "axe murderer" ex
lived in a virtual fantasy world here
spent most of her time on the Internet
communicating with and fashioning relationships
with US military men
with something that always struck me
as an air of desperation about it...
she wanted so desperately to have the
white picket fence she'd heard about
she went to obsessive lengths
to find it...
she wanted to be famous
so she made herself so
in her own mind anyway....

then....
she disappeared off the face of the earth
about 6 years ago

no one
not one person
knew where she'd gone
her RL family contacted me trying to find out

I searched frantically high and low
contacted people I knew that she knew
all over the country

eventually she started corresponding with me
via email....
but I never did really fully believe all the
hearts and romance and "fantastical" stories
that she told me

I was worried for her
and desperately concerned for her kids
but I felt like I was enabling her again

however before I could confront that
she gave up and stopped corresponding

fast forward a couple of years
and my blister is in Dartmouth for work
and stumbles into a pub
in the middle of the night
looking for chowder and beer
she's sitting by herself
and looks up
that there's said friend!

Left Coast to Right Coast
wtf was she running from
besides herself?

since then there is virtually no communication
betwixt my family and her
until the last week of October this year
(her birthday is Halloween)

that Sunday morning
someone phoned my house at 6:14 in the AM
by the time I'd got to the phone
it had gone to voicemail
so I stumbled around looking for my glasses
and took a few minutes for ablutions
then decided to go back to bed
so when I finally get up morning to go for brunch
and there's a voicemail from her

terse and poignant
"I woke up with a face fulla courage this morning
call me...." and the number
I immediately dialed
and got no answer

I've tried a couple of times
since then...randomly
but honestly feel kinda reticent
to rekindle
what was a less than healthy
"co-dependency" IMHO

today she posted on my Face book
over some old pix I'd posted

I find myself amazed
at how "suspect" I immediately found that

I have mixed emotions
part of me misses her
with a vengeance...
we have history

part of me
is not interested
in opening that
can o worms again
we have history

does that make sense?

do I want to take a chance
that it was all fantasy?

do I want to take the chance
that it was all lies?

do I want to get tangled
in that web again?

or was it all in my imagination
and in reality all truths?

do I want to go back?

I just don't know
I honestly
just
don't
know

here's today's horoscope...

You could have a chance to put the past behind you today. So if there are any unresolved family issues that have been lingering for a while, don't be afraid to try to deal with them before the day is through. There could be a few surprises popping up around the house, and it could be a good time to put the past aside and try to bring a fresh approach to mending some fences on the home front right now.

If you find that anyone’s a little hard to handle today, just realize that you’ll probably need to be extremely diplomatic right now. So be sure that you give plenty of thought to how you handle any difficult people at this time.

Now WTF do I do with that?

Nothing Else Matters

Metallica - The black album (Metallica)

Nothing Else Matters

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
no nothing else matters

ya know how?

I'm a sucker for a ballad
the long
slow
wailing
really affects me
mostly at night

well...
truth is...
apparently it's more
the sound
that the lyric....

listen to this...
you know the original
you've heard it all over the place
for a couple of years....

this one has a haunt to it....



then again...

maybe
not!

Beaver Moon

Full Beaver Moon - November

This was the time to set beaver traps before the swamps froze, to ensure a supply of warm winter furs.

Another interpretation suggests that the name Full Beaver Moon comes from the fact that the beavers are now actively preparing for winter.

It is sometimes also referred to as the Frosty Moon.

We Remember

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

— Lt.-Col. John McCrae

A friend of mine posted a joke on a forum

that reminded me of a story

a true story....

once upon a time I managed a biker bar...(I may have mentioned that here before...)

there was a young man that worked there as a beer back - his name was Colton and he was cute as a tick and stupid as a post...but strong like bull...in those days we didn't have back loading coolers and our "cold room" was down a hallway and around a corner from the bar itself...so having someone strong was pretty much the criteria to work there...I was always surprised that he stuck around cos he got rode unmercifully by the boys in the bar cos he was so cute and quiet and because of that they'd decided he was a virgin too...

anyway...we're havin a party at my house after a long night at work

it's 4AM and everyone is rockin but I see people startin to couple off and head into dark corners and other rooms...

myself?

I head to the kitchen for a cold one...and there sitting at the table all by his lonesome is Colton. He looks as forlorn as the day is long and I turn and ask him "watcha so sad about boy?"

"nothing" he sighed sadly

"com'mon you can tell Baby...what's up?"

"nothing" he sighs again

my curiosity is peaked so I sit down across from him (no small feat as drunk as I was) "really?...whashammatta boy..you should be in some dark corner snuggling with some sweet young thing...whatchew doing sitting here at my kitchen table cryin in your beer?"

"I ain't telling" he says "you'll laugh at me."

"me?" I'm shocked sober for a moment "Why Colt....I'd never laugh at you if you were to confide something serious and private to me...I'm your friend man....I would never ever laugh at you"

Colt sighs again and we spend some time drinkin our beer, then he blurts "none of them girls will take me serious like!"

my first thought is...why do you wanna be serious?....I thought this was about getting your wild thing on...but I'm smart drunk so I say "now why would you say that...young good lookin fellow like you could likely have any one of these girls you wanted"

Colt snorts and says "cos I'm sterile"

"hmmmmmmmmmmmmm? sterile...how the hell do you know you are sterile...ain't you still a virgin?"

"I know it!" comes the response...

"Man...people go for years before they find out for sure that they're sterile...ya gotta have tests n shit...you can't be sterile...less'n maybe you had mumps too late" I scoff at him...

This gets a rise outta him and he jumps up and starts pacing...and begins telling me a story....

Seems Colt was raised on a cattle ranch in Northern BC...seems that the cattle kept wandering into his mother's vegetable garden at night so his older brother and his dad wired a fence around the garden...a wire fence with 5 strands of wire between each pole....

Seems that the wire doesn't keep the damn cattle outta the garden so that his brother (in an attempt to get their mother to stop nagging) gets this bright idea to "electrify the fence"...but he didn't tell anyone what he was doing...and being from the same gene pool he didn't exactly take great care when finding a way to electrify the fence....alla sudden his mother is pleased that the cattle are stayin free of the garden and all is well in their household....

Fast forward to the following weekend and Colt (who is at the time 17) goes into town and gets pissed as a billy goat at a friend's house....so much so that the friend's father calls his father to come get him...

His father brings him home and parks by the vegetable garden - he gets out and stomps into the house...

Colt knows he's in trouble but he's too drunk to care...he stumbles outta the truck hurriedly opening his fly cos his back teeth are swimin and he doesn't wanna piss on himself or in his father's truck....

Just as he starts to pee, he stumbles over a rut in the track and in doing so pisses all over the front of himself and ends up flopping forward over the fence....laying his pissy wet and peeing self over all 5 strands of electrified wire.

There is an arch and a blood curdling scream which brings his brother running...Colt is laying over the fence twitchin when his brother arrives and pulls the connecting wires offa the pole that he was pulling the juice from.

End of story Colt has "cooked his sweetbreads" and at the hospital they tell him that while he'll live and all his parts will function normally...he will never be a father.

So I'm still sitting at the table as this tale of woe is being told...and so far I'm keeping a straight face. But I'm drunk...and I'm having a hard time...I turn the other way to look down the hallway to the living room and discover that there are about a dozen people in the hallway....listening to the story as well.

I turn back to Colt and say "you expect me to believe you can't be a father cos you cooked your nuts?....sorry man....I'm havin a problem believin that!"

at which point a very frustrated looking Colt drops his jeans to puddle around his boots and there below his boxers I can see...diagonally across both his legs...burn scars... 3 rows of them equal distance apart...the fourth of which would land directly across his groin.

You hear the collective voice of about 13 people sucking in their breath and then one by one we begin to laugh...slowly..but it builds up....

I laughed so damn hard I ended up on my hands and knees on the kitchen floor...while 3 of the guys in the hallway came and drug Colt (drawers still around his boots) into the living room proclaiming him "hero of the day" and explaining to all the girls there that Colt was likely their safest bet bar none in the nooky dept.

Colt spent the remainder of the night having wild and public sex with a several different women on my living room floor. At one point I was standing in the living room doorway looking at them and shaking my head when he looked up and our eyes met....he grinned and winked at me....

I went to bed soon thereafter...and locked the damn door for safety sake...

Colt disappeared the following day.

I've never heard from him again...but somehow I think he managed just fine. To this day I don't know if that whole damn story was true...or just Colt's way of finally getting himself accepted by "the boys".

still thinking

about the recent US election
and again...as a Canadian
I find myself strangely moved by it

I still find myself still emotional about
"Yes We Can" and "It's a new day"

Hope for Change is a very brave sentiment...
and the very fact that Barak Obama
is the President Elect
speaks volumes
of a nation ready for change....
I hope he's up to the challenge...
I sincerely hope it wasn't all hype...
and he can follow through.

what do you suppose it will mean
for Canada...

if Barak Obama can keep his word
and institute change for his country?

"Yes We Can" - Will.i.am


It's a New Day - Will.i.am

the fadder

is in town
and staying with
the cuz n family

I stopped by there
for about 15 min
after work yesterday
but I was so beat
I couldn't stay

anyway...in that 15 min
the fadder told me twice
that he really loved being
at the cuz's house

that he felt both
wanted and needed there
and that it was really nice
to feel needed as opposed
to being invisible
or detested
the way the bother's new
girlfriend treats him

he just seemed so
sad and lost

my face leaked for him
alla way home

imagine being 76 yrs old
having just ended a 10 yr
relationship
whereby he got fucked
right up the yak
by said ex
to move into a travel trailer
in the bother's yard
and to be treated like a pariah?

just the very fact that
he's her boyfriend's fadder
ought to garner him
some respect
or the fact that he's 76 yrs old

but no

sometimes it makes me
fightin mad
and sometimes it makes
me so god damn sad
all I can do is weep

I just don't get people
I just don't.

round and round in circles…

head’s whirring…
who to trust…?
who to believe…?
how much more?
will it ever stop?

here’s another night
of lost sleep
some backstabbing chit
has cost me

what would ever have possessed me
to think that I could lead a normal life?

time and again
I try
and
I fail
and pick myself up
to start over again

and time and time again
I make it so far
and then get cut
off at the knees
for trusting someone
less than trustworthy

for putting my faith
in the unworthy

why is it not more apparent to me
out of the gate?

why can I not see the facts before me?

what is it that makes me think
that this one time
I’ll have placed my trust
correctly?

apparently
I am less sane than I thought

in my struggles
to be true to myself
I seem to have lost the ability
to see people for what they really are

world weary
sad
disappointed
and
disappointing
bereft of truth
and
honour

but who?
them?
or me?

am I more disappointed
in the liar?

or myself for having
yet once again
set myself up for failure?

round and round in circles....

Again with the Done...

I am so
absolutely
totally
and
completely
done
with
people
that
profess
integrity
morals
and
standards

and then
try to
fuck you
up the yak
when you
aren't looking

mind me now
I'm done

I'm all outta trust
no one else gets to hurt me
and not be accountable

you idiots
get what you deserve
from here on in

Done!
ya hear?
Done!

not sorta
not kinda
not maybe

Done!

it's a little bit funny

this business of developing Internet friends...

many of the friends that I have on line I have IRL (in real life) as well so...finding out the who's and the what's of these people is easier cos I can meet them face to face and make my judgments based on body language and actions as well as the printed word.

I have numerous friends that I have developed relationships with over the course of years on line that I have never met face to face...and I admit that I have a tendency to believe the best of people until proven otherwise...

I say all this as I'm surprised at my surprise over the reactions of some people that I thought highly of to the fact that Barak Obama is President elect of the US of A.

Two people who I've know for many years on line, laughed with, cried with, shared pleasures and joys, as well as sadness' and losses, have said that they are less than impressed with the person that won the race...

One person said "In my heart, I believe that everyone that voted for that asshole fucked up"

and another said "the fat lady done sung....and I really hate that song"

I gotta say...it surprised me - and made me doubt my perception of that person ongoing....

I can't for the life of me understand why people wouldn't want hope or change. I've not felt this good about US politics since JFK was murdered.

Another blogger I read says "I know a lot of people say McCain was “classy” in his concession. That if he’d been that way all through the campaign they wouldn’t have minded him as President. That’s awful nice. But I grew up in a conservative, xenophobic household. I know what McCain was saying on the surface, and I know the code words he was using to reach the hate-filled basket of idiocy that is all the Republican Party has left. McCain’s message was not gracious. It was, “Sarah will redeem us in 2012. Until then, make it impossible for this interloper to make any real change. Clinton him if you can–scream long and loud into the Faux News echo chamber we’ve built, and make him pay. Make it impossible to get any real work done.” "

For me...I know that I sincerely cried tears of happiness...for my feeling of hope for my American friends for the first time since 9-11...for the first time since the day the towers came down I think there will be someone at the helm that "gets it".

I watched with damp cheeks one African American broadcaster who's father had said that he could be whatever he wanted to be - even the President of the United States and now he could tell his father that he was right, and the other who's father had told him he had no choice and no hope of being able to rise to get ahead in America as a man of colour - now he gets to tell his father "daddy, I love you but you were wrong".

There were 2 parts of Obama's speech that moved me specifically...

1..."And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too"

2....."The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there."

I am reminded of Dr. Martin Luther King, who said "we shall overcome. "

And cos I am a Canadian..made up of an odd combination of romantic and realist....I gotta say...I like what Oprah says...."hope won"'

This time I think she's right.

Youth is wasted on the Young

and other deep thoughts for dark nights

why the hell is it
that people
are so intent
on always being right?

what ever happened to just experiencing
the joy of someone sharing something
that they find interesting, thrilling, evocative
without having some a-hole
immediately look it up on snopes.com
to prove that it's a hoax?

WTF?

what is it about people
that are the first to tell you
to get yourself to the Dr
when you are feeling poorly
but haven't been themselves
in 20 years...
no matter how damn poorly they feel

WTF?

why is it that when yer 34
and you dislocate your shoulder
you are so sure of your
'inner strength and wisdom'
that when a dr tells you
to go for physio you don't
and then find out in your 50's
that you've done so much damage
to your rotator cuff
you'll eventually have to have
a replacement
but it all could have been avoided
if ya'd just gone for the physio

WTF

why is it
that no matter
how fucking old you get
you still get treated like the kid
when dealing with your VOD?

WTF

deep thoughts for dark nights
to be continued
once the VOD stops
acting like the
shrieking bitch
next
door

*sigh*