A friend of mine posted a joke on a forum

that reminded me of a story

a true story....

once upon a time I managed a biker bar...(I may have mentioned that here before...)

there was a young man that worked there as a beer back - his name was Colton and he was cute as a tick and stupid as a post...but strong like bull...in those days we didn't have back loading coolers and our "cold room" was down a hallway and around a corner from the bar itself...so having someone strong was pretty much the criteria to work there...I was always surprised that he stuck around cos he got rode unmercifully by the boys in the bar cos he was so cute and quiet and because of that they'd decided he was a virgin too...

anyway...we're havin a party at my house after a long night at work

it's 4AM and everyone is rockin but I see people startin to couple off and head into dark corners and other rooms...

myself?

I head to the kitchen for a cold one...and there sitting at the table all by his lonesome is Colton. He looks as forlorn as the day is long and I turn and ask him "watcha so sad about boy?"

"nothing" he sighed sadly

"com'mon you can tell Baby...what's up?"

"nothing" he sighs again

my curiosity is peaked so I sit down across from him (no small feat as drunk as I was) "really?...whashammatta boy..you should be in some dark corner snuggling with some sweet young thing...whatchew doing sitting here at my kitchen table cryin in your beer?"

"I ain't telling" he says "you'll laugh at me."

"me?" I'm shocked sober for a moment "Why Colt....I'd never laugh at you if you were to confide something serious and private to me...I'm your friend man....I would never ever laugh at you"

Colt sighs again and we spend some time drinkin our beer, then he blurts "none of them girls will take me serious like!"

my first thought is...why do you wanna be serious?....I thought this was about getting your wild thing on...but I'm smart drunk so I say "now why would you say that...young good lookin fellow like you could likely have any one of these girls you wanted"

Colt snorts and says "cos I'm sterile"

"hmmmmmmmmmmmmm? sterile...how the hell do you know you are sterile...ain't you still a virgin?"

"I know it!" comes the response...

"Man...people go for years before they find out for sure that they're sterile...ya gotta have tests n shit...you can't be sterile...less'n maybe you had mumps too late" I scoff at him...

This gets a rise outta him and he jumps up and starts pacing...and begins telling me a story....

Seems Colt was raised on a cattle ranch in Northern BC...seems that the cattle kept wandering into his mother's vegetable garden at night so his older brother and his dad wired a fence around the garden...a wire fence with 5 strands of wire between each pole....

Seems that the wire doesn't keep the damn cattle outta the garden so that his brother (in an attempt to get their mother to stop nagging) gets this bright idea to "electrify the fence"...but he didn't tell anyone what he was doing...and being from the same gene pool he didn't exactly take great care when finding a way to electrify the fence....alla sudden his mother is pleased that the cattle are stayin free of the garden and all is well in their household....

Fast forward to the following weekend and Colt (who is at the time 17) goes into town and gets pissed as a billy goat at a friend's house....so much so that the friend's father calls his father to come get him...

His father brings him home and parks by the vegetable garden - he gets out and stomps into the house...

Colt knows he's in trouble but he's too drunk to care...he stumbles outta the truck hurriedly opening his fly cos his back teeth are swimin and he doesn't wanna piss on himself or in his father's truck....

Just as he starts to pee, he stumbles over a rut in the track and in doing so pisses all over the front of himself and ends up flopping forward over the fence....laying his pissy wet and peeing self over all 5 strands of electrified wire.

There is an arch and a blood curdling scream which brings his brother running...Colt is laying over the fence twitchin when his brother arrives and pulls the connecting wires offa the pole that he was pulling the juice from.

End of story Colt has "cooked his sweetbreads" and at the hospital they tell him that while he'll live and all his parts will function normally...he will never be a father.

So I'm still sitting at the table as this tale of woe is being told...and so far I'm keeping a straight face. But I'm drunk...and I'm having a hard time...I turn the other way to look down the hallway to the living room and discover that there are about a dozen people in the hallway....listening to the story as well.

I turn back to Colt and say "you expect me to believe you can't be a father cos you cooked your nuts?....sorry man....I'm havin a problem believin that!"

at which point a very frustrated looking Colt drops his jeans to puddle around his boots and there below his boxers I can see...diagonally across both his legs...burn scars... 3 rows of them equal distance apart...the fourth of which would land directly across his groin.

You hear the collective voice of about 13 people sucking in their breath and then one by one we begin to laugh...slowly..but it builds up....

I laughed so damn hard I ended up on my hands and knees on the kitchen floor...while 3 of the guys in the hallway came and drug Colt (drawers still around his boots) into the living room proclaiming him "hero of the day" and explaining to all the girls there that Colt was likely their safest bet bar none in the nooky dept.

Colt spent the remainder of the night having wild and public sex with a several different women on my living room floor. At one point I was standing in the living room doorway looking at them and shaking my head when he looked up and our eyes met....he grinned and winked at me....

I went to bed soon thereafter...and locked the damn door for safety sake...

Colt disappeared the following day.

I've never heard from him again...but somehow I think he managed just fine. To this day I don't know if that whole damn story was true...or just Colt's way of finally getting himself accepted by "the boys".