The Bladder Scope...

I spent Friday in hospital
having a bladder scan

first
they take yer glasses away from you
so ya can't see squat
and feel kinda puky

then they gauze and tape
yer earrings
so that nothing happens to them
while yer under
(and that's real purdy)

then they put this
really itchy
party hat on ya
(and purdy ain't a word
to describe it let me tell you....)

then some one grabs ya
by the ankles
and yards ya down the table
(no small feat for anyone
considering my size)
and straps ya
in the stirrups
from the knees down..
.just in case ya might wanna
frickin escape
I guess...

a position,
I might add
that I thought
that at almost
55 yrs of age
I'd not be coming up against
again - anytime soon

boy was I wrong.

then one cowboy
ties a tourniquet
around my right arm
whilst another
is givin me a freakin skin pop
in my left arm
(....in my day
we punched people in the head
for bubblin yer arm like that!)

and right
in the middle
of all this
some nurse
starts to scrub
my who ha
with what felt like
a wire brush!

Without
so much as
a "by your leave"
er nuttin!

then
the drugs took over
and I don't remember anything
till I woke up in the recovery room
where the OR nurse
came to tell me
that in all the many years
she's been an OR nurse
she'd never talked to anyone
anywhere near
as funny as I am
whist under the influence
of anesthetic...

all this
so they could tell me
that there really is
nuttin
wrong with my bladder

*sigh*