Wyz Words

Sometimes I think we're alone.
Sometimes I think we're not.
In either case, the thought is staggering.

R. Buckminster Fuller

playing ketchup

what a maniac I was all day today
I really gotta do something about that mp3 player in my head

I spent the first half of the day bangin my head
to Ozzie Osbourne from the Black Sabbath days..... WarPigs:
na na na na na na nanna nanna nanna nanna na na na
sheesh...

followed by a couple of hours of:
I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE...!
AND I BRING YOU FIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEE!!!!

oy vey

apparently taking 2 days off at the end or near the end of the month
is tantamount to treason
er
is a good excuse to change every little freakin thing while yer gone
pah!

*thought*
(hang on...they don't happen often!! ;-p)

it always strikes me as funny

you know....those conniving little creatures that you can hold at bay while you are there...
those slimy little suck up pissants you can stop with a level version of yer "I don't fuckin think so" stare...when they are busy shovin their heads so far up the Sup's ass they might just as well be a hemorrhoid...but them very same little pissants that sneak in and fuck everything up while you are gone

so that when you get back
yer job looks like that kitchen scene from "Gremlins"
little bits of food n dishes n milk n Gremlins n guts
blown all over the place
like a splosion!

in the car on the way home I was thinking about an offer made to me by a co-worker
to host my blog
which got me to thinking about nice people

so I'm all filled with brotherly love
and I get to the intersection prior to my home
and I stop at the red light
and a "family" van pulls up behind me

the driving dud made me laugh...

he's all doing his best rendition of "cool dude"
all slouched over...
not holding the steering wheel
but drivin with his wrist
hand flopped over the wheel
riding coolness
with his wrap round shades
and his tanned bald head
and his 3 peircings in one ear
rockin to his tuneage
yup
he's a dude alrighty...
he's a dude in a FUCKIN FAMILY VAN!
hehehehe
ok
I feel better now...hehehe ;-}

so I guess it wasn't such a bad day after all

I get home to find out my bro
who's divorcing the wicked witch of the west
(~finally~)
made a deal with her to cut off the joint credit cards at the end of the month
so they can have his n hers "going forward"

but the bro
sometimes he's not the sharpest tack in the box
I mean after all
he did marry the silly bitch
and he did stay married to her for 15 years
but I digress...

he gets himself all confusdicated and cuts the card off today...
cos he has himself convinced that there's 30 days in March

so
I'm thinkin
maybe I need to teach him
the "count the days of the months knuckle trick"
again

anyway
she's on the phone
(cos he's working here this week)
shaaaareeeikin like a fish monger
and him quietly laughing
and making appropriate soothing/calming sounds into the phone
apologizin
(~betcha that's sommat he's not gonna miss~)

hmmmm
seems he's maybe smarter than he'd like her to believe

so we ate sghetti's - gotta love 'roni foods
and now I'm listening to tunes (Stevie Ray Vaughn - Riviera Paradise)
and workin on the roster for the riding club

did ya ever wonder where words come from?
like
roster
why is that word with one "o" a list
and with 2 "o"s a squawkin male bird

and how about
ulu?

I have a theory that ulu is not an Eskimo word
I think it's a word dreampt up by some scrabble player
and assigned to Eskimos so often
it eventually made it into the dictionary...

ok
so
sometimes I just think silly thoughts
are ya bored yet?
(Neneh Cherry featuring Youssou N'Dour - 7 seconds)

where oh where is yer hair?

I am bald.

I have androgenic idiopathic alopecia (who you calling an idiot?)...which means that the men on both sides of my family have male pattern baldness and the women on both sides of my family have female pattern baldness...and by the luck of the draw I inherited all those lovely genes. :-}

When I was young I had a huge head of thick, straight waist long hair. It didn't start to fall out till I was in my 30's but when it did it was devastating. We, as humans, tie way too much of ourselves up in how we look. In spite of what Mr. Pechkoff says, humans are vain by nature.

Round about the same time my hair started to leave, (just like Elvis) I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Crohn’s in itself ain't a bunch o fun...but one of the myriad side effects of Crohn's is hair loss and low and behold guess what a side effect of the Crohn's medication is??? (sure as hell you can bet it isn't indiscriminate hair growth!!!)

When the first significant amount of hair loss happened (I was getting more than my fair share in the brush by then) I was sitting at my desk at my then job trying to puzzle out a problem in one of the departments and was getting frustrated. I put my pen down as I leaned on my elbows and scrubbed my palms over my face and forehead. When I looked up all of the hair that would have been my bangs (if I’d worn bangs but it was waist long all the way around) was gone. Well not exactly gone..it was lying on that frustrating document on my desk. Just like that.

Talk about freak out! In time it would be that I had some bangs but not enough for confidence…and then it all came out in two fist sized spots on either side of my head over my ears.

Over the years I became the queen of the comb over trying to hide the naked spots. I tried every product known to man…and got more and more insecure…for years I checked my hair (most specifically the bald spot on my forehead) at least every 20-min if not every 30 seconds. I used barrels and gallons of hair spray. It now makes me laugh that I could chastise people for making me breath 2nd hand smoke but I thought nothin of standing in that toxic cloud of hair glue several times a day. I always wore a beanie or a bandana under my helmet…cos if it looked so bad to me when it was fixed, can you imagine how I perceived it to look when I took my bucket off?

Women my mother’s age cried for me. Men just ignored me in general. To make a long story a little shorter…I became a shadow of who I was…always concerned about what I looked like (not that it ever made or helped me loose weight) I was self conscious cubed. For several years I talked about shaving my head…but was always afraid. I was afraid it would be uglier.

I made an appt Sept 11/01 after watching the news about the disaster in New York. It just seemed to me that the time for piddlin around had passed and I needed to take some big steps in getting my life back to what it once was. I took my mother with me and we had a little ritual with the lady that cuts my hair…sorta a comin out party…HA! we had a hair cotillion!!!

So now I shave it daily. I use no shampoo, conditioner, hair spray, hair color, dryer, brush, comb, scissors…the upside is that I do not check my head in the mirror a bazillion times a day. I got my sense of humour back and I could care less what other people do or say around me. I no longer feel like people are talking about me…but to me.

The down side is almost an up side as well. As a woman…who the hell knew you had to change your razor blades more than 2 times a year!!! :-} This is something that all men know… how many of you have heard the man in your household (partner, friend, son or lover) yell “who the hell has been cutting carpets with my razor???”

My helmet was a challenge, floppin around like it belonged to my big brother…till I went for a ride and discovered how cold the wind is on virgin skin…so I wear a medium weight stocking cap…and it fits better than it did before.

In general, people seem to see me differently. Women as a whole start out not being able to look me in the eye…the natural assumption being that I am undergoing chemo. And bringing the subject up is another one of those perceived societal taboos. On the other hand, men want to touch it, to rub my head. (If I’d have know that I’d have likely shaved my head 17 years ago…who knows…I mighta got a date!)

But mostly I have changed. I have now had a couple of years hair free. I still have the regular ups and downs of day to day life, but I have stopped worrying about how I look. It is liberating…and I love it!

Guess Who?

WyzWmn

I wanna file a fargin complaint!

I have been home sick from work for two days
and in that space and time
have written 7 fucking posts
that this fucking machine
or this fucking blog
has eaten

ok
I feel better now

I want to explain that this is the baby blog
the new one
the one for sharing
the not so dark and scary one
at least it is so far
new venue
new words

"I gotta new attitude"
hehehe
not likely
it's only a matter of time.....

coming to take me away....

when I get to reading someone else's blog
I always seem to start out
with a feeling of guilty pleasure
like some sort of vicarious peeping tom

I start out with the altruistic thought
that I can somehow come to understand this person
thru the words on the page...

but what really happens
is that I come to understand
that the thing that makes us different
is the very thing that makes us the same

our need for love
and all the variations of same

people cloak the need for love
in all different manners
some with jokes
some with sex
some with food
some with guilt
some with fat
some with abstinence
some with shopping
some with shame
some with wit
some with vitriol
some with sugar
some with anger
some with nothing
some with the undying belief
that there truly is a happily ever after

so
did ya ever ask any of them happily every after's
just what the fuck they thought about us?

those of us valiant few
who made the decision
to never compromise
to hold the line
to live our meager existence
to the fullest
alone?

Don't laugh now...it ain't funny

we really ain't that different you and I
"if you cut me do I not bleed?"
yup...just you, me and Othello

it's not like there haven't been chances...
do I not have an ex named Dan?
and a double ex named Davie?
and a triple ex named Ron?
in retrospect,I'm glad I never actually married any of em...

sound's pretty bad
when you put it that way
but truly 3-10 year relationships
for an almost 50 year old woman
ain't such a bad record

and also truthfully
for a sick, tired, old, bald broad
I still get my share of offers
go figure?

but here's what I've come to understand
at the ripe old age of 49
when I was young
and had waist long hair
and
legs up to here
and
a tiny waist
and
big round breasts
and black brown eyes
and men and women
followed me around like puppies

I was insecure

then came the accident
to my face
the new cheekbone and nose
and the more of the scars
(the visible one's anyway)

in a split second my life changed

so I worked and worked
and worked some more
to get back to hotness

and when I did
it didn't matterbecause
I was still insecure

I could never beleive
they wanted me
for me

the focus has always been
the looks
if not mine
then the look I present to others

and then way more life happened
(too much for this pitiable tale)
here I am 30 years later

and twice the size I once was
and bald
weak brown eyes

still insecure

so

I gotta laugh
I gotta laugh
cos...they may be coming to take me away...

Girlfriends

I think I am less of a "human" being than I thought I was

I am envious of my 12 year old niece
I am envious of her youth and beauty
and I covet her friendship with her best friend Leanne.
I am less
because I am jealous...

Last night, when it came time
to drive home from the cousin's house
after the Easter gluttony

I asked Jenna where the keys were
she'd come to get them earlier
to get something out of the van

she couldn't remember...
and immediately burst into tears...
because she thought we would all be angry
mostly I just wanted to get home
cos as I've mentioned previously...
"ah hab a toad id by dose"

a kaffuffle ensued and eventually we discovered the keys in the backseat of the van
and the doors weren't locked
so it was all good
and we headed out
I drove

my brother
who did his level best
to imbibe 3 jugs o wine over dinner
sat in the passenger seat singing
my nephew sat behind him
and the girls in the rear

throughout the whole 35 minute drive Jenna sobbed quietly
heart brokenly...

I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Jenna
with her head on her friend Leanne's shoulder
Leanne consoling her,
mothering her
by petting her head and making tsk tsk sounds

First off...
it looks odd
because altho Jenna is 12 she's almost 6 feet tall,
and Leanne, who is 6 mths older than Jenna is a good 2 ft shorter

people continually think Leanne is a youngster until she speaks
she's quite refined and articulate

I sometimes think that like twins separated at birth
these two young girls speak a language
and understand each other in ways we cannot comprehend.

anyway
so I'm driving down the highway in the dark
peering altruistically into the rear view mirror at the girls
and I'm thinking
I wonder if Jenna truly knows
how lucky she is to have a friend like Leanne?

when I was a kid
we were never stationed in a place
long enough to let my guard down
until it was too late

until I was old enough
that I had built up the walls
that kept people out
for so many years

Jim and Kelly grew up with kids
and developed life long friendships
like the one that Jenna and Leanne have
but I didn't

and altho as a 50 year old
I have developed good "friend making" skills
and have several "sister friends"

I don't have anyone
who's shoulder
I would care to place my head
when my heart is broken

maybe it's not so much
that I wouldn't care to
but that I still don't trust enough

that most of the walls
have come down

but I'm not willing
or unable
to lower them all

I think I am less of a "human" being than I thought I was

Easter Sunday

ah hab a toad id by dose

ah feel lak shit

ah dodn't wand do be wid fabily

ah wand do sweep

dood dight

More on Easter Weekend

ok
so my bro's here...for the weekend with his kids

and he's about to go thru a nasty divorce
already he and his wife are one up'in themselves with the kids
he buys em iPods
she buys em V220 phones with camera's in em
he's been canceling her credit cards
she's been maxing things out
it's gonna get messy
I can just see it

I don't know if I'm up for this....

all they are doing is givin the kids a more unrealistic view of money
the bro says that it's cos he doesn't want his kids to go thru what we did when mom and dad split

but really
is it wise to try to buy them off?
will it make the destruction of their family easier for them?

not freakin likely....I somehow don't think so

my sister still says, some 25 years later that the year our parents split was the worst year of her life
I say...I may not have shown it but it wasn't soo freakin pleasant in my head either ..and there are days when it still isn't

we are the sum total of all we have done, of all we have experienced
this is just the beginning for those kids
and my heart bleeds for them once again

Daddy's New Computer

Mother fucking ocean!
May all the gods’ protect us…my 75 year old father bought his first computer and now this is how I spend my time….

Ring!
Ring!
Ring….

Me: WyzWmn’s World of Wonder…how can I help you?

He: I’m throwing this fuckin thing in the river!

Me: Nice to hear from you again dad…what are ya gonna be throwin in the river today?

He: that goddamned box you talked me into buyin!

Me: Box…hmmm? oooohhhhhh…havin a little challenge with the computer are ya?

He: Challenge?!?! The fuckin thing is possessed by the deeevil and I need to hit it with a fuckin hammer!

Me: calm down dad…what are you trying to do?

He: All I wanted to do was send your sister one of them emails…. and the fucking machine ate every god damm thing I typed and then it had the profound audacity to beep at me!

Me: Well I’m sure it wasn’t being intentionally rude dad…so…..describe to me what you are looking at and maybe we can fix this

He: well lets see…there’s this box see, and another box and then there’s a green box and then there’s a bunch more boxes and then there’s my email…I think?

Me: So the email isn’t gone…it’s just behind a bunch of boxes

He: Were ye nay liseninn ya feeble minded twit? I tol you it twas gone! Ya know….all yer god damn life I been telling you things and you ain’t been listening to me and now look atcha….where the hell ya get the nerve…ye be yer mither’s daughter mind….

Me: Dad….Dad….Dad….Dad….DAD! ~ deep cleansing breaths~ Remember we had these lessons about windows? and we talked about how ya gotta close them little boxes some times to find the stuff yer looking for…and that every time you open sommat ya gotta close it…cos it won’t close itself…that ya have to hit the same key…once to turn it on and once to turn it off? Remember?

He: Well ya didn’t tell me I had to remember all’us shit! Why’d I buy a computer if it doesn’t do what I want?

Me: Well it’s only a machine Dad…think of it as a baby with a brand new brain…ya gotta tell it what to do…

He: Ya well alla you kids eventually learned and I didn’t have to tell you no more…

Me: Do ya wanna send Sissy an email?…take a deep breath and tell me what’s open

He: Open? Open? How the Sam Hill am I supposed to know what’s open? What’s the matter with you???

Me: Dad! look in the upper left hand corner of the first box and tell me what you see?

He: I see a god dam box!

Me: ~sigh~ I know you see a box dad…but at the top of the box is a blue line and in the upper left hand corner…in that blue line it says sommat?? What’s it say???

He: Document 31 - Microsoft Word

Me: (Document 31! ~fuck me!~) ok dad…across the top of that little box is a blue line…in the right hand end of the blue line there’s 3 little buttons…one is an X, one is a little box and one is a little line…do ya see that

He: there’s no blue line in the upper right hand corner

Me: in the upper right hand corner of the box in front?

He: how do I know which box is in front?

Me: well…it’d be the one THAT YOU ARE LOOKIN AT!!!!!

He: Oh…well why didn’t ya say so?

Saint’s preserve us I need a drink!

Easter Weekend

Well

ya know how the Voice of Doom is outta town? I've been roughing it...cos no one is as spoiled as I am...but also it's been wonderful to be alone (to be an adult alone...cos no matter how old you are yer still a kid at yer mom's house)

And this weekend being Easter most people have it off...but I don't...cos I didn't book it and I wanted the extra cash and to bank more holiday time for the summer...

I had planned on spending Saturday up in Nanaimo viewing Bee n Bry's new home and riding Sunday with the club...only now it seems that my just about to get a divorce brother and his 2 teenage kids and 2 of their friends are coming down for the weekend from Comox.

"don't change your plans" he says
"I'll do all the cooking and cleaning" he says

as if ;-p

apparently the weather gods are now agreeing with him...cos now it's supposed to rain all weekend
and apparently the health gods are agreeing with him too...cos I woke up with a sore throat this morning...

so...apparently I will be spending the weekend spreading my coolness over 4 tiny teens...whilst my brother contemplates how he's about to tell them that their family is kaput

*sheesh*

this is the Ride in question
WyzWmn

Introspection

I've been feeling rather introspective

been doing a lot of thinking lately about "finding one's bliss"

it puzzles me that so many people are just plodding along putting in time...9 to 5, Monday to Friday, mow the lawn, do the laundry, 9 to 5, Monday to Friday, mow the lawn, do the laundry,9 to 5, Monday to Friday, mow the lawn do the laundry...and for real excitement...how bout a little bbq?

no joi de vive there...

ask them..."what is your bliss?"

get that dumbfounded glazed over "doh" expression...before they shake their heads and return to 9 to 5, Monday to Friday, mow the lawn do the laundry....

for me it's all about putting in time so I can ride...riding is as close to bliss as I can get...

being able to afford to ride and travel all over...now that'd be bliss...but for now...riding is my bliss and has been since I was about 13 yrs old

so I say....
if I'm a good girl now
I will be well enough to ride by Sunday (for my club ride)
if I'm a good girl now
I'll have enough money for some extra's for the Pickle in the spring
if I'm a good girl now...

*jeezuz I think I hear my mother's voice*

I just don't seem to get how people can spend their whole lives not knowing what makes them happy?

for instance...*pregnant pause*

do you think someone as rich and driven as Bill Gates is happy? do ya think being a multi mucho gazillionaire makes a person happy?

or are you obsurdly happy with just being you? when you hear the adage..."walk a mile in my moccasin's" does it remind you of how bad your life is or how good?

I mean the kind of happy that you get when yer flyin down the road with the wind in yer hair (if I had any) and the sun on your face?
I mean the kind of happy you get when old and new friends give ya a hug?
I mean the kind of happy you get with a big old, throw yer head back belly laugh?

just wondering is all?