Daddy's New Computer

Mother fucking ocean!
May all the gods’ protect us…my 75 year old father bought his first computer and now this is how I spend my time….

Ring!
Ring!
Ring….

Me: WyzWmn’s World of Wonder…how can I help you?

He: I’m throwing this fuckin thing in the river!

Me: Nice to hear from you again dad…what are ya gonna be throwin in the river today?

He: that goddamned box you talked me into buyin!

Me: Box…hmmm? oooohhhhhh…havin a little challenge with the computer are ya?

He: Challenge?!?! The fuckin thing is possessed by the deeevil and I need to hit it with a fuckin hammer!

Me: calm down dad…what are you trying to do?

He: All I wanted to do was send your sister one of them emails…. and the fucking machine ate every god damm thing I typed and then it had the profound audacity to beep at me!

Me: Well I’m sure it wasn’t being intentionally rude dad…so…..describe to me what you are looking at and maybe we can fix this

He: well lets see…there’s this box see, and another box and then there’s a green box and then there’s a bunch more boxes and then there’s my email…I think?

Me: So the email isn’t gone…it’s just behind a bunch of boxes

He: Were ye nay liseninn ya feeble minded twit? I tol you it twas gone! Ya know….all yer god damn life I been telling you things and you ain’t been listening to me and now look atcha….where the hell ya get the nerve…ye be yer mither’s daughter mind….

Me: Dad….Dad….Dad….Dad….DAD! ~ deep cleansing breaths~ Remember we had these lessons about windows? and we talked about how ya gotta close them little boxes some times to find the stuff yer looking for…and that every time you open sommat ya gotta close it…cos it won’t close itself…that ya have to hit the same key…once to turn it on and once to turn it off? Remember?

He: Well ya didn’t tell me I had to remember all’us shit! Why’d I buy a computer if it doesn’t do what I want?

Me: Well it’s only a machine Dad…think of it as a baby with a brand new brain…ya gotta tell it what to do…

He: Ya well alla you kids eventually learned and I didn’t have to tell you no more…

Me: Do ya wanna send Sissy an email?…take a deep breath and tell me what’s open

He: Open? Open? How the Sam Hill am I supposed to know what’s open? What’s the matter with you???

Me: Dad! look in the upper left hand corner of the first box and tell me what you see?

He: I see a god dam box!

Me: ~sigh~ I know you see a box dad…but at the top of the box is a blue line and in the upper left hand corner…in that blue line it says sommat?? What’s it say???

He: Document 31 - Microsoft Word

Me: (Document 31! ~fuck me!~) ok dad…across the top of that little box is a blue line…in the right hand end of the blue line there’s 3 little buttons…one is an X, one is a little box and one is a little line…do ya see that

He: there’s no blue line in the upper right hand corner

Me: in the upper right hand corner of the box in front?

He: how do I know which box is in front?

Me: well…it’d be the one THAT YOU ARE LOOKIN AT!!!!!

He: Oh…well why didn’t ya say so?

Saint’s preserve us I need a drink!