where oh where is yer hair?

I am bald.

I have androgenic idiopathic alopecia (who you calling an idiot?)...which means that the men on both sides of my family have male pattern baldness and the women on both sides of my family have female pattern baldness...and by the luck of the draw I inherited all those lovely genes. :-}

When I was young I had a huge head of thick, straight waist long hair. It didn't start to fall out till I was in my 30's but when it did it was devastating. We, as humans, tie way too much of ourselves up in how we look. In spite of what Mr. Pechkoff says, humans are vain by nature.

Round about the same time my hair started to leave, (just like Elvis) I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. Crohn’s in itself ain't a bunch o fun...but one of the myriad side effects of Crohn's is hair loss and low and behold guess what a side effect of the Crohn's medication is??? (sure as hell you can bet it isn't indiscriminate hair growth!!!)

When the first significant amount of hair loss happened (I was getting more than my fair share in the brush by then) I was sitting at my desk at my then job trying to puzzle out a problem in one of the departments and was getting frustrated. I put my pen down as I leaned on my elbows and scrubbed my palms over my face and forehead. When I looked up all of the hair that would have been my bangs (if I’d worn bangs but it was waist long all the way around) was gone. Well not exactly gone..it was lying on that frustrating document on my desk. Just like that.

Talk about freak out! In time it would be that I had some bangs but not enough for confidence…and then it all came out in two fist sized spots on either side of my head over my ears.

Over the years I became the queen of the comb over trying to hide the naked spots. I tried every product known to man…and got more and more insecure…for years I checked my hair (most specifically the bald spot on my forehead) at least every 20-min if not every 30 seconds. I used barrels and gallons of hair spray. It now makes me laugh that I could chastise people for making me breath 2nd hand smoke but I thought nothin of standing in that toxic cloud of hair glue several times a day. I always wore a beanie or a bandana under my helmet…cos if it looked so bad to me when it was fixed, can you imagine how I perceived it to look when I took my bucket off?

Women my mother’s age cried for me. Men just ignored me in general. To make a long story a little shorter…I became a shadow of who I was…always concerned about what I looked like (not that it ever made or helped me loose weight) I was self conscious cubed. For several years I talked about shaving my head…but was always afraid. I was afraid it would be uglier.

I made an appt Sept 11/01 after watching the news about the disaster in New York. It just seemed to me that the time for piddlin around had passed and I needed to take some big steps in getting my life back to what it once was. I took my mother with me and we had a little ritual with the lady that cuts my hair…sorta a comin out party…HA! we had a hair cotillion!!!

So now I shave it daily. I use no shampoo, conditioner, hair spray, hair color, dryer, brush, comb, scissors…the upside is that I do not check my head in the mirror a bazillion times a day. I got my sense of humour back and I could care less what other people do or say around me. I no longer feel like people are talking about me…but to me.

The down side is almost an up side as well. As a woman…who the hell knew you had to change your razor blades more than 2 times a year!!! :-} This is something that all men know… how many of you have heard the man in your household (partner, friend, son or lover) yell “who the hell has been cutting carpets with my razor???”

My helmet was a challenge, floppin around like it belonged to my big brother…till I went for a ride and discovered how cold the wind is on virgin skin…so I wear a medium weight stocking cap…and it fits better than it did before.

In general, people seem to see me differently. Women as a whole start out not being able to look me in the eye…the natural assumption being that I am undergoing chemo. And bringing the subject up is another one of those perceived societal taboos. On the other hand, men want to touch it, to rub my head. (If I’d have know that I’d have likely shaved my head 17 years ago…who knows…I mighta got a date!)

But mostly I have changed. I have now had a couple of years hair free. I still have the regular ups and downs of day to day life, but I have stopped worrying about how I look. It is liberating…and I love it!