Girlfriends

I think I am less of a "human" being than I thought I was

I am envious of my 12 year old niece
I am envious of her youth and beauty
and I covet her friendship with her best friend Leanne.
I am less
because I am jealous...

Last night, when it came time
to drive home from the cousin's house
after the Easter gluttony

I asked Jenna where the keys were
she'd come to get them earlier
to get something out of the van

she couldn't remember...
and immediately burst into tears...
because she thought we would all be angry
mostly I just wanted to get home
cos as I've mentioned previously...
"ah hab a toad id by dose"

a kaffuffle ensued and eventually we discovered the keys in the backseat of the van
and the doors weren't locked
so it was all good
and we headed out
I drove

my brother
who did his level best
to imbibe 3 jugs o wine over dinner
sat in the passenger seat singing
my nephew sat behind him
and the girls in the rear

throughout the whole 35 minute drive Jenna sobbed quietly
heart brokenly...

I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Jenna
with her head on her friend Leanne's shoulder
Leanne consoling her,
mothering her
by petting her head and making tsk tsk sounds

First off...
it looks odd
because altho Jenna is 12 she's almost 6 feet tall,
and Leanne, who is 6 mths older than Jenna is a good 2 ft shorter

people continually think Leanne is a youngster until she speaks
she's quite refined and articulate

I sometimes think that like twins separated at birth
these two young girls speak a language
and understand each other in ways we cannot comprehend.

anyway
so I'm driving down the highway in the dark
peering altruistically into the rear view mirror at the girls
and I'm thinking
I wonder if Jenna truly knows
how lucky she is to have a friend like Leanne?

when I was a kid
we were never stationed in a place
long enough to let my guard down
until it was too late

until I was old enough
that I had built up the walls
that kept people out
for so many years

Jim and Kelly grew up with kids
and developed life long friendships
like the one that Jenna and Leanne have
but I didn't

and altho as a 50 year old
I have developed good "friend making" skills
and have several "sister friends"

I don't have anyone
who's shoulder
I would care to place my head
when my heart is broken

maybe it's not so much
that I wouldn't care to
but that I still don't trust enough

that most of the walls
have come down

but I'm not willing
or unable
to lower them all

I think I am less of a "human" being than I thought I was