Mixed Emotions

I had a "reunion" of my team from my old job last night
it left me feeling happy and sad

it made me so happy to see so many of those people again
but it made me sad to realize how very much I miss them
and that while my new job is wonderful for my future
it's my past job that brought me strength, and laughter and friends

I got home to be reminded
that my 17 year old dog is dying
he's beyond sick
he doesn't smell good
and today he can hardly move
and he has an appt at the vet on Sunday
that likely will mean that I have to put him down
and that breaks my heart
because at the risk of sounding like a complete failure life wise
he is my longest standing relationship...

I woke up this morning feeling lost
then I get an email from my eldest cousin
who is kinda a recluse
talking about a recent spate of family reminiscence
about my deceased grandfather....

he says: "By my Father’s lights and most other Family with whomI have discussed it, HWB was a supreme asshole, a wife beater and a child molester. Why is it that everyone is revering him on this Remembrance Day? Inquiring minds, etc:"

I sat and thought about it for a bit and this was my reply:

"I think it’s got something to do with their age Cousin...I think that all of them have come to points in their life when they’ve either come to terms with their anger/hatred with him – or are simply too tired to fight about him anymore …or like my dad – they’ve dealt with it via their faith – I’m not saying its right or wrong...It’s just that their humanity requires that they come to some sort of “understanding” about their feelings over him.....cos at the end of the day – he was their father – and they see themselves in him and the only way that they can deal with that is to forgive him…forgive but not forget"

sometimes this business of living life
ain't what it's cracked up to be.
we get up every morning
and we force ourselves thru the things that make up our days
we pretend that we're normal
and we examine why we are happy or sad

but in the end
there is only the end

so is in not our responsibility
to feel
to feel as much
about as much
as we can?

is it not our responsibility
to try to understand
to understand as much
about as much
as we can?

is it not our responsibility
to love
to love as many
as long
as we can?