A blogger that I know and read recently posted “When you look at the prospect of having more years behind you then in front, priorities change considerably.”
I like that premise….a lot…I think it’s true for me also…
So I find myself wondering at the changes I’ve gone through over the past year…and dreaming about the future yet again…
the new job – turns out I do the job well…(actually for the most part well with one hand tied behind my back) but while it’s forever a better job than the one before…I miss the “community” at the last job…I miss the people… and like the last job…the one I have now doesn’t exactly have room for advancement…if you don’t have a damn degree…they won’t let ya get ahead here….
Still…at my age…and remembering that I have no retirement put aside at all…finishing out my working life dedicating myself to a job with a pension plan and a medical benefit plat is much “safer” way to live than I even have lived in the past….
the club I left….turns out that I spent 6 years of my life, dedicating myself to build camaraderie and friendships with people that for the most part could really not give a damn about me. That for 6 years I spent listening to and caring for their wants and needs and now my own are virtually non existent. For 6 years I worked incessantly at keeping interest up in the off season, for 6 years I worked at keeping people from acting like children in public, for 6 years I put myself in a position to have people I barely know call me “mom” only to discover that it must have been a fantasy…cos not one of them has bothered to wish me best o the season….even tho I went onto their forum and wished them all the best....
I know that my decision to leave the club was controversial…and for me it wasn’t easy (to say the least)…but turns out it definitely separated the wheat from the chaff…and now that I’m getting to a point where I can be rational about the past doings of the people that precipitated my leaving, the people I left behind seem to have forgotten me. I guess in the long run I kinda asked for it didn’t I?
And in other news…the other club that I had belonged to and gone back to as a guest imploded right at the same time…which begs the question yet again…what is it about us as human beings that makes us need to belong?
the fambly….the bother is completely tied up in making amends to his children cos he swore his whole life he’d never do to them what our parents did to us..get divorced. As a result…while his kids are good, they are spoiled and he had a single mindedness about him that seemingly leaves no room for the rest of us…although if you suggested that to him, he’d be hurt and deny it vehemently….
the fadder and I have come to some kind of an “understanding” at the moment…not un-normal for us when he’s fallen out with the blister as he did last summer…but also…he’s quite supportive of my position with the VOD and I’m needful of all the support I can get just now……
the blister…remains a piece of work…she spends all her time whining about how hard done by she is…she continues to live in the past…(“the worst year of my life was the year my parents split up” it was 26 years ago…GET OVER IT!) she whines from cities all over the world that she’s traveled to for her job…I have to keep reminding myself that this is life as she chose it…and in doing so have to keep reminding the VOD when she throws “the poor blister” in my face….
which brings me to the VOD…it’s small wonder to me why the blister lives in the past…cos the VOD has made a 30 year career outta it…she’s too close to the edge for me to be able to stand by and watch her fall…but not close enough to the edge to qualify for a place in a home etc…and she’s a mean drunk the old doll….
the cuz and the cuz in law…She works at the same place I do…but she makes at least twice a year what I do and he makes at least 3 times a year what I do…so combined they don’t have a realistic view of life from my perspective…still…I think we get along well…and I know I have their love and support whenever I need it…
So what’s in store for next year?
What am I looking forward to in 2008?
- I want to continue to grow and develop the relationships that have come to mean so much to me…the friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin and have become cherished members of my chosen family…those that accept me and my foibles when the people I was born to can’t, those that love me unconditionally and aren’t afraid to tell me when I’m an ass or outta line (well maybe they are afraid but tell me anyway LoL)
- I have learned so much from this tight knit group of friends and I have the greatest love and respect for each and every one of them…I can only hope that continue to remain close no matter what our lives throw at us.
- I want to get the Pickle fixed and spend as much time riding as weather permits…cos riding always cures what ails me…for some unexplainable reason it clears my head and allows me to put all the extraneous crap in perspective….
- I’m gonna contact a counselor again and spend some time working thru some of the “kinks” in my relationship/care giving of the VOD…I want to be doing it cos I want to…not because I feel guilty…
- And I also want to get to a point where I don’t have guilt associated with money…(wouldn’t that be grand?)
- I’m looking at actually purchasing a vehicle (with the assistance of the bank)…which will help get me outta the gratitude flux with the VOD and be a large step in moving on with my life instead of waiting in god’s waiting room in hers….
- I’m gonna talk to the bank about qualifying for a mortgage. I need to move and the VOD needs to stand on her own two feet before it’s too late….I live in mortal fear that she will fall (both literally and physically) and I’ll be stuck here forever.....it’s time…ya know?
- I want to get the Dr’s ok to start moving…physically…I think I’ve had a long enough stretch with my systemic infection levels being low enough that I should be able to at least start moving…it is my fervent wish that I start moving and it not cause a spike in my levels again so that I can feel better…and it wouldn’t suck to lose some poundage as well….
- I'm gonna continue to write….I don’t know if writing will take a larger focus in my life or if I will just continue this blog in an effort to get all I have to say “out there” but I have finally come to realize that writing for me…is like reading and riding….and breathing and eating…a necessity.
Small orders or large?
I’m not really sure
But I’m proof positive that it doesn’t hurt to dream…
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4 comments:
As one who considers you a friend and even family, I believe you can achieve a lot when you set your mind to it, and it looks like you have! Best wishes for the New Year Wyz...
All perfectly reasonable, perfectly thought out, perfectly doable goals my friend!!! Looking forward to seeing you over the next coupla days!!!
Hey my friend. I know that you are a big part and a cherished member of my family. I dont know if you got the message but I called your Mom's place and left amessage for you to call me. I miss talking to you. I hope your New Year is all you envision and better. You know we are always here for you.
At this time of year we tend to make lofty resolutions that many times are too difficult to keep. But I think you might have reached an epiphany in your life and you know where you want and need to go. You can and will do it, I am sure of it.....
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