I wake

and look over at the clock
7:00
is it AM or PM?

it's dark
has been for 2 days

it's dark when I go to sleep
it's dark when I wake up
it's dark when my eyes are closed
and it's dark when I open them

it's warm
and comfy
cocooned
nested

there's something oddly
womb like about spending
a couple of days in bed
when my eyes go south

the very fact that I can think this
makes me understand
that I must be on the
uphill climb to
normalcy again
or whatever it is that I call normal
health wise

2 days of feeling like I have glass in my eye
compounded by the running of the nose
my conviction that this fluid coming from my eyes
must be blood
the sinuses impacting
and the resultant headache

no light
no tv
no book
no computer
I can't bear the light
for more than seconds at a time
so it's dark

2 days feels like forever
and eventually starts to feel
like
always

they must be getting better
cos I'm not mad at them anymore
and I'm awake

You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

What’s a boy to do?
When you tell your tale and it never fails
I just end up feeling bad for you
With your hang-dog eyes
You can bring me down now I’m wrapped around your whole hand stop looking so surprised

Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)

I’ve been burned before
You’re not fooling me there’s no mystery you've forgotten what you’re hiding for
Call it self-defense
You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)

Easy to be with you
Easy to obey
Easy to forgive you at the end of the day
East not to judge you
Easy to betray
Easy to adore you though you want to run away

It’s easy

Look what you have done
I can do the same two can play this game you’ll no longer be the only one

Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Make it easy (easy)
Easy (easy)

we got some good news

and we got some bad news

the good news is
that I officially have good bones

good in that they
are no worse
than they were

the bad news is
that I have atherosclerosis

which can be treated medication

yet.one.more.medication.

but wait! it gets better!

I'm also diabetic
(qu'elle suprise?
what with the family history
and my svelt shape!)

this too can be treated with a medication
also no big surprise....

I'm soon to need a truck to haul my meds in
*sigh*

I have an appt with
the heart specialist on the 29th
and a urologist pending
cos they still can't figure out
where the blood is coming from

that'd be the blood
that sent me to the Dr
in the first place
over 2 mths ago...

*sigh*

I'm just tired of being sick and tired

let's recap shall we?

Crohn's Disease - 12 pills a day (on maintenance)
PTSD - 2 pills at night
hiatus hernia - 1 pill a day
high blood pressure - 1 pill a day
HRT - 1 pill a day
atherosclerosis - 1 pill a day (and re-evaluate in 6 wks)
arthritis - pills dependent on pain and weather
Cogan's Dystrophy - night time eye ointment
and drops 3 times a day
Diabetes - metformin (after the next fasting blood sugar
and we'll evaluate as we go)
Achilles tendinitis (both legs) - pills dependent on pain
Obesity - lobotomy? possibility!

*sigh*

Jeezuz
I'm gonna have to pay someone to keep this straight for me

EDIT: case in point?
a friend just phoned me to remind me
of the kidney stone
and the freaking surgery clamp
they've discovered was left in me
over 30 years ago during one of my surgeries....
imagine that slipping my mind? END EDIT

another edit: well shit! I forgot asthma! end edit!

so here's the crux of my problem...
I am on a "low residue" diet
due to the Crohn's Disease...
I have been for about 6 yrs,
and I firmly believe
that it is the reason
that my Crohn's is in
stasis or remission

but.....
all the food I need to eat
to combat the atherosclerosis,
diabetes,
high blood pressure
and obesity
are the foods that I simply can not eat
and keep my Crohn's from flaring
(last flare had me in the hospital
for 10 days
and in ICU for 6 of them)

so... no fruits and veggies for me

I can't even walk for cripes sake
cos my left Achilles tendon is fracked.

so officially....

if you are lookin for me?

I'll be under my bed...
sucking my thumb.














and I ain't anywhere near as cute as this kid!

I woke up

disgruntled today...

I don't know why?

cos yesterday was a pretty good day
save a couple of scares from a video my friend lent me
(really? if ya wanna get rid of me...just tell me - no need to scare me to death LOL)

I wrote this list of things 13 that make me go hmmm?
but decided against posting it in it's entirety
mostly cos there's no way that people will look at it honestly

there's simply no way that people will honestly answer the questions
as opposed to viewing it as me being incendiary
which is not my intent

over time it surely does seem that the lion's share of the people
that I am acquainted with
would rather talk about me
than to me

I guess that's my fault
cos I'm still holding people accountable
for their actions

so it's their loss

part of taking a stand
is being prepared for the fall out
no matter how mean spirited it is.

I'm prepared.

For Pam

You will never know
true happiness
until you have truly loved

and you will never understand
what pain really is
until you have
lost it

R.I.P. Chris



Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

of wedge asses "and such"

so the nefew is back in the city
going to year 2 of uni

he made a pretty adult decision
to room and board in a family home
in the city...
all of the family are somehow into music
and they are close to the uni so he can ride his bike
and all of this is covered by student loans
and then he'll work to supplement

really nice in theory
but sometime the best laid plans
don't work out
and it ain't assisted by the fact
that
they are just plain weird people

the kid's student loan didn't come in on time
so here we are the 8th
and he's not been able to pay his rent

had he told me
I'd have fronted him the money on the first
but he didn't get up the gumption
to mention it to me till today
and to add insult to injury
the kid has the flu
bad.

so after dinner
I jump in the car
and drive into the city
to write the kid a cheque

I get there
I write the cheque
we have an "aunty kranky" talk
about this being the real deal and
this is a loan...just like an adult
yadda yadda yadda
he thanks me profusely
and promises to pay me back
once we get to his Dad's on Sunday for Thanksgiving
I get back in the car
and head home

10 min from my door my phone rings
it's the kid
apparently the landlord
doesn't like the way I wrote the date
on the cheque

I wrote Oct/8/9
he wants DD/MM/YYYY
and won't accept the cheque as payment
if it's not written that way

the poor kid is really embarrassed
and I turn around
and drive back into town

I get there
he meets me outside
and hands me the cheque
I rewrite it
with the date DD/MM/YYYY
and he takes it in the house for approval

this time I've learned my lesson

the poor kid comes out and looks like he's gonna cry
this wedge ass won't accept the cheque
cos I do xx/xx instead of change
he wants it to say $.00

see now
this is where being 54 would come in handy
cos if it were up to me
I'd tell that flake
to take a long hard suck on my d.....
well...
you get the picture

but the poor kid
looked like he wanted to cry
I just re-wrote the cheque
and took it in to the wedge ass myself
had said wedge ass even peeped at me
there likely would have been an altercation
but he choose to accept the cheque
so I was then stuck having the obligatory
inane conversation
about the weather etc
with a stranger.

a stranger
who uses "and such"
tacked on to the end of each sentence
like punctuation

"nice day if it don't rain and such"
yes it is
"sorry to have made you drive all this way and such"
it's ok
"well the kid's turned out to be a great boarder and such"
I'm sure he is
"it's just that his car takes up so much room and such"
well it's a big car
"too bad he didn't have a smaller car and such"
you know he's a student right? it's not like he bought it
"well...nice meeting you and such"
buh bye...

Let me outta here you wedge ass
and such.

Bone of Contention

I apparently was born without
a practical joke gene

I've said it before
and I'll say it again

any joke that provides humor
at the expense of some one's feelings
physical or psychological
just ain't funny in my books
long term ramifications
come as a result of
not considering the receiver's feelings

my family and I had a huge discussion
on this subject the other day
and I said
I don't find AFV funny either

any time you have to get your jollies
from watching someone fall offa something
and get hurt
or take a baseball bat or golf ball
to the 'nads
does not make comedy
it's sad

so you'll get it when I say
I don't understand the kind of video
that starts out with a lovely baby
or a peaceful glade
or a big wave
and takes you for 10 or 15 seconds of calm music
and then becomes the horror show
screaming
horrific pictures
are not a fucking joke

over the past week or two
(seems the closer we get to Halloween)
there has been a rash of people that have posted
those types of video's on their FB pages

so much so
that I will no longer be watching videos sent to me on FB

I repeat
they are not a fuckin joke
someday
you'll cause someone with a weakened heart
to innocently click on your video
and they'll die

and you will be to blame
and you likely won't even care.

If I'm big enough for big girl panties...

why can't they use the big cuff?

so yesterday was interesting... *ahem*

I woke up way way too early with grumbling in my lower extremities which I assumed was a Crohn's Disease flare cos that's how I roll...and I knew I'd been bad...eating grapes and raw almonds

apparently not

by 9AM I was at the walk in clinic cos I had me some pain in my kidneys
bad pain
the kind that makes you twitch every time it hits and you can't breath thru it...

having just spent a week on antibiotics I thought the UT stuff was done

apparently not

so the Dr - who is 10 days older n dirt, advises he's requesting an emergency ultra sound and gives me a prescription for another antibiotic....he says he thinks it's cancer or a kidney stone

OMFG!!!

I vote kidney stone if I have a choice

I go home crying all the way- which is great for asthma or bronchitis I might add...
and to try to compose myself enough to go to the pharmacy

I'm at the pharmacy by 10:30 whereby the pharmacist spends half an hour trying to reach said Dr to find out wtf he'd prescribed....he even faxed it to a few other pharmacists to see if it was in their database

not so much

so I'm supposed to be at home waiting for a call from the hospital, but by this time I'm pacing and crying from the pain in my back...the pharmacist says "you need to go to emerg...and if you can't drive I'll drive you"

ever the bullheaded woman I never admit to being, I get in my car and wail all the way to emerg

I'm at emergency by about 11:30

they have a new triage process and the nurse I see in triage is one of those pious biddies that's sure she knows more n I do ( and some cases she likely does) however, she starts out by arguing with me about the med's I'm already on....one of the Crohn's meds I've been on for close to 20 years - I know it's sulfa based , she says I'm wrong...eventually she looks it up and low and behold...I'm right

moving right along....

she tries to take my blood pressure and I'm telling her I'm a big girl I need the big cuff
and she's telling me she knows what she's doing
all the while that automatic bp machine
is getting tighter
and tighter...on my freaking elbow
and I'm wracked with pain in my back
and she's telling me to sit still
she tries 7 times and finally uses the big cuff

finally they get me in to a stretcher in emerg
I've been telling them for about 20 min that I feel nauseous but no one hears...there's none of those little cardboard puky trays or tissue to be found...

the Dr comes in to see me and I very graciously puke a lovely vile white foam all over the front of him and all over myself

an inauspicious start

he advises first thing I need is an x-ray and some morphine
I won't care about the x-ray if they give me morphine

they send in this very lovely, very gentle, very timid 9 yr old nurse...who misses veins in the back of both of my hands and both of my arms trying to get an IV in and eventually has to call the "lab team" to come do it...

I keep telling her to use a butterfly but what could I possibly know anyway...that's why I'm not a nurse....I guess butterflies are good for drawing but not putting in an IV...
I'm not likely a very nice person when I'm hurting like that.










finally I get the shot...but they don't cocktail it (cocktail being the morphine along with gravol for nausea and valium to relax you)

the Dr comes in again this time I puke more on me than on him but he gets the message and orders gravol, valium and a gown for me

over the course of the next 30-50 min the pain slowly dissipates and I stop with the jerking and shuddering and snapping when the pain hits

I'm almost asleep and they come take me for x-rays
I get back to my cubicle and they've moved a few young people into the same area I'm in

the young girl in the bed next to me has 2 friends with her
she's got a septic elbow and has to come in to have the shunt cleaned and antibiotics pumped thru her....she and her friends sing and dance and holler....they're very loud and I'm very impatient

another group of young people come in with a fellow that thinks his wrist is broken
more singing and dancing and throwing things and laughing

who knew being in the hospital could be so much fun?

then they start to talk about puss and sex and how gross both puss and sex are

did I mention I'm puky?

I lost my temper and hollered in my biggest and best bartender voice "shut the fuck up" and got dead silence

my wee nurse came in a couple of minutes later and I apologized for losing my temper
she just smiled and said "we're not allowed to tell them" I got the impression she was that I glad I did

next comes the ultra sound and a ct

both of which I could have cared less about cos I'm in the arms of Morpheus
for the first time in 6 weeks I can't even feel the damn pulled Achilles tendon in my left ankle

by 5:30 the Dr comes back he's changed his clothes

he says it's a kidney stone - to go home, ride it out and if it hasn't passed in 3 days go to my GP
3 DAYS???

(at least I think that's what he said)

the pain was starting to come back so he gave me an Rx for pain and another cocktail shot... not as big as the last one but enough to get me home and said I could go but I couldn't drive

I called my friends Kim and Dave and they came to rescue me (I am such a waif)
we tried to go to a pharmacy out here but they were all closed at 6
by 7PM we were in town at a large local grocery store, Kim driving, me holding my little cardboard puke box to get my Rx

Kim apparently found me entertaining...cos now that I was out of bed and motoring I was having the full morphine ride...so she had to hold on to me to keep me from wandering off - little wee Kim and big ole me...musta been an interesting sight

and I had a little trouble with my inside voice escaping and may have embarrassed her when talking about a young woman that was dressed like a clown...er like a paint box puked on her LoL ..........and the lights....holy crap they were all streamers!
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Kim brought me home and I stopped at the VOD's to get some ice cubes for some ginger ale...the VOD bagged some for me and I put them in my grocery bag and when I walked in the door I put the bag on the counter and went and sat on the couch

when I came too 25 min later I had a bag of ice water to deal with, I poured it in a glass to drink and promptly spilled the glass all over the counter...do they make adult sippy cups?

I'd not eaten all day...so I decided that making some macaroni would be safest of the things available to me...but I'd forgotten that I'd started to make chicken soup stock in the morning before this all happened and it had boiled over.

so I put the water on the burner, sit in the living room and the fire alarm goes off.
It's pretty loud when you are straight or sober...it's really really loud when you ain't.

It never occurred to me to turn the burner off so I stood under the alarm (that's hard wired to the wall) and yelled at it to shut up for a while and then I flapped a towel at it for a while and then it occurred to me to shut off the damn burner

but in the interim I hit my finger on the wall while flapping the towel and possibly broke it...but I don't care cos I'm on drugs *smile*

time for pills and bed...

Tree Huggers of the world unite!

I don't often cross post
with other blog posts
but this one is near and dear
to my soul

this post
at "English, Pagan and in Canada"
reminds me
of why I moved to this
the rainforest of the north
in the first place

and sometimes
everyone needs reminding...

I've been thinking...

about lack of original thought
and the amount of people
that live their lives
vicariously through others

and as a result of all this thinkin
(besides the smell of wood burning
ya'll have been complainin about)
I'm convinced
that it's truly a sad commentary
on humanity
that people are so very lonely
and inept
that they have to steal others ideas
or mirror their lives
to feel whole
or like they are contributing
or living

then again
how often have I read an article
or diatribe somewhere
that prompted me
to voice my own opionion
on the same topic?

I've had conversations
with friends about
both sides of this idea
and some of my friends
think I'm too kind to assholes

and others
ain't my friends
and think I'm a bitch

me I just know
that I spend way to much time
thinking
and not enough doing
these days...

but that's more health related
than fear or stupidity or loneliness related
cos now that things are poppin at work again
(tis the season)
all I'm doing is
working and sleeping
(not necessarily in that order LoL)