got a spoon?

I think if I could just
scoop out my right eye
this migraine would go away

for 3 days I'm been smelling
beets boiling
it never occurred to me
that it'd be my head again

it's fall
I thought someone
was pickling

the problem for me
with a migraine
is that there truly is
no place quiet here
there is however true dark
cos I have black out material
on my windows

I've tried earplugs
but I get so's
the sound of my own
blood pressure hurts
me

hours and hours
of laying
in bed
simply makes
all of my body ache
in individual spots
like each and every part
of my body
want's it's own recognition

the real kicker is that
migraine's make my eyes run
which causes my eyes to
try to shut all the time
and runny eyes
cause my sinuses
to become involved
so I stop breathing through my nose
and end up coughing
from a dry throat

ever coughed
or puked with a migraine?

I'd rather scoop out my eye
with a spoon

really.

what price friendship?

One of the ailments
I suffer from
is PTSD

as a result
I don't sleep
unless medicated
and sometimes
with the onset of stress
even meds don't help

last night was one of those nights...

if you don't sleep
you don't heal
and then all your other
ailments
take control of your life

in the end
the lack of sleep
is always what triggers
the greater darkness
in my life.

I make decisions
when I have been sleepless
that I suffer for
in the long run

I'm not about to go there this time

more and more
every day
I come to understand
that my perceptions
of the failings of the people
around me
are not just simply my perceptions of
the failings of the people around me
but part of a bigger picture
one of manipulation

there are people who strive to manipulate
and force others into
following a specific pattern of beliefs
they operate from a position of selfishness
and are desperate to control

they do not operate
from a position of
love
consideration
integrity
morals
or
friendship
this lesson I have learned
time and again
in my life

this time...
I'll heed the heart voice
that says...I will no longer allow
master manipulators
access to my life

and just so we are clear
I have no intention of
askin others to follow
me
I never have

so if that means
leaving you all
then I will

I will not go back
to what once was
I am not afraid to be alone
nor am I afraid to start over

but I am afraid
of going back
to that
malice and evil
that once controlled my life.

just when ya think

it's safe to come out an play again

something sneaks up
and slaps ya in the punkin again

all my life I have struggled to
work from a position of the
"Law of the Three"
(whatever you put out
comes back upon you
three fold)

"do an ye will an it harm none"
is my mantra

I have fought
long and hard
in spite of virtually
immeasurable odds
to remain
kind, positive and integral

this one time
these people have gone too far
and there is no forgiveness in me

I will not accept an apology
from people
who lied repeatedly
to me
and about me

I will not accept an apology
from people
who used my deepest secrets
to publicly humiliate me

I will not accept an apology from people
who tried to cover up their transgressions
by having someone else clean up
their public mess

I will not accept an apology
from people who continue
to tell lies about me

I will not accept an apology from people
who still blame me
for all of this

I did nothing wrong
and in spite of what they say
I will not accept an apology...

I will not accept an apology
from people
who seem to be the only one's
who could have possibly sent that
unconscionable letter
to my fadder
about me

I will not forgive
and I will not forget

I will move on
and have a new life

but I will not forgive
and I will not forget

they are dead to me.

and if that undoes
all the good works
that I have done
in my life time...

so mote it be.

Dichotomy

I don't know if you've noticed
but
part of the dichotomy that is WyzWmn
is my rather eclectic taste in music
just as I've often mentioned
that words
appear as pictures to me

great honking colour pictures
which sometimes makes it impossible
for me to stay focused when a conversation
takes a quick change...but also allows me to
make quick conversational changes....

but I digress

in layman's terms
I am allllllll over the map
in the music taste vein

on Thursday night
I caught myself
laying on the couch
reading
and listening to 3 hours
of Justin Timberlake
on the tube
in the back ground


*shaking head*

last night
I spent the evening
listening to Pavarotti singing "Nessun Dorma"


and then Nigel Kennedy's version
of "Vivaldi's Four Seasons"


this morning
I am being haunted by
Bic Runga's "Captured"


what is up with this head of mine?

Life on Mars

are you watchin?

it's kinda hokey some times
but hey
the 70's where hokey!

and the soundtrack it great!



what?

I'm old eh?

blah!

It must be mercury's
last kick at the retrograde can
but I'm about as negative as they come just now....

I just can't seem to stop asking myself
how my life got like this?

how did I end up 53 years old
in a dead end job
working for a micro manager
who insults my intelligence
about every second time she opens her yap
(that'd be when she's not insulting my colleague's intelligence)

could I blame it on the fadder...for refusing to go to the family bank to allow me to further my education?
prolly
but will I?
I doubt it

could I blame it on the triple X that made off with all my money and motorcycles etc?
prolly
but will I?
not no more

could I blame it on my never ending health crisies and the inability to do more than work 8 hours and sleep 10 or more?
prolly
but will I?
not likely....

thing is...once you get into this dead end loop it's hard to get out...I'm depressed cos my job sucks, and my job sucks so I'm too depressed to look for another...gak!

Seems that the 3 month VOD reprieve just set me up for a heightened level of anxiety and anger upon her return...it's like I almost had a life there for a month or two...give er take checking in on the nefew - after 10 years of being the beck and call girl I almost got used to not having that silly woman call me 3 times a day at work to yell about the price of chicken.....

but...shes baaaaaaaaaaaaack
and as ornery as ever

she relies completely on me for her social network
and now for her health network too (as little as she'll do)
any kind of support she wants - that's my job...

I've drawn the line were it comes to buying booze for her
and that makes her cantankerous
but hell...I gotta draw the line somewhere
still...it's funny how she can't go next door to the grocery store
but once again she can hustle the block to the booze can???

the bother is a huge frustration right now
he's so busy getting his dick wicked that he can't see how his new partner is being unfair to the fadder
the fadder is no prize...for sure...but he is his fadder....and for her to be treating him
as disparagingly as she is....insults me on the fadder's behalf....and for him to allow it...makes me mad

the thing I keep saying to the bother
is that she has built her opinion of the fadder from what he's told her
and dammit...he needs to suck it up and talk to her....

how come she's all about welcoming the VOD
with open arms
and the VOD's dependant
but she won't give the fadder the time o day
and he's not...?

he just needs a place to park his trailer for a couple of weeks
and access to the bathroom
but now I hear he's not allowed into the house
till after she leaves for work at 9

the blister
as always
is conspicuous in her absence
if I hear one more time how lucky I am to have the 2 of them so close
I'll hit someone!

I continually think of Debra who we lost a week ago, what a waste to die so young....
and of Mia...who lost the love of her life and then the love of her life
and my personal friend whose whole world has been rocked to it's very foundations...
and I try to tell myself that it ain't all bad
but it just ain't working right now

I need a change...
I need something...
I need....

blah!

some days

it just don't pay to get outta bed

Friday on my way home from work
I stopped at the Walk In Clinic
to get something for a urinary tract infection

not having had one in many years
I wasn't sure that's what it was
but I didn't want to take any chances

so...
I get an Rx
get it filled and head home
take my first pill that evening
and go to be
woke up early Sat morn with
what I thought was a migraine
spent almost all day in bed
got up long enough to bemoan
my thumping punkin
take my Rx and go back to bed
cos really?
who can spend a whole day
listening to the surround sound
and piss poor music taste
of the turd next door

Sunday I get up
headache has not abated
and the original problem hasn't either

go to meet some friends
leave and drive to same Walk in
spend 3 flaming hours
find out the headache is in fact
an sorta allergic reaction to the first Rx
get another Rx
come home
take said pills
and by morning I start to feel better

I decided to stay home one more day
just to make sure
and today I have spent the whole damn day
trying to read
or watch tv
over the noise next door

some days
it just don't pay to get outta bed...

(In my next life
if I have to live in an apartment
please let me be smart enough
to rent something
with cement walls!)

You

It’s late now
Time to sleep
Close your eyes
Go to dreams

Clouds on walls
And blue skies
Mommy’s sun,
her moon, her stars

And you
You make me run
And you
You make me want to live

Your smiles
Well they make my day
You don’t know it yet
But you’re everything

This little song – well
It’s for you
These lovely years
here with you

And you
You make me run
And you
You make me want to live

And you
You make me run
And you
You make me want to live

~Fisher~

Happy Thanksgiving....I think

so against my better judgement
I leave work
and pick up my mother...aka the VOD
and my nephew
and we drive in the little red ladybug
up to Courtenay
to spend Thanksgiving
with my bother
his new partner
and my neice

I'd rather lay on the couch
and fight the cold
I have been fighting
courtesy of the VOD
but I digress

so we get her
and the woman my bother
is now living with
is half lit
and shit wouldn't melt in her mouth
she does however take several shots
at the fadder
although
the fadder ain't here
to defend himself...

I figure that's odd
but I'll hold back judgement

we go to bed
and get up this morning
to a war zone

she's pissed at my bother
and slamming doors
washing floors
and shreiking

I says to my bother
on an aside
"this is the first time
I've been in your home
since she moved in
and frankly
I don't see much difference
between being here with her
and being here with your ex
either way
we are made to be
uncomfortable"

he says
"funny how that works"

I says..."there's an answer in there"

he says "ya me!"

I swear....
if my mother was awake
we'd be going back to Victoria
right now
cos he's gone to work for the day
and she's locked herself in her bedroom...

this ain't what I signed on for!

but again
it has me ask the question
what the fuck is it about people
that makes them so sure that they need
to be in a relationship?
what is so lacking in the bother's life
that he's got to move some shrew
into his house
just to not have to sleep alone?

I don't get it?
and I no longer think
that it's a problem in the way I think
I know it's not
cos I'm not living like this....

Happy Thanksgiving
I think.

My blog friend Mia

has lost "Baby"

she's spent 5 years of her life
blogging about
the road she has traveled
and her hopes
and dreams
around having children

we thought
it was going to come true

but apparently the Gods
have decided
this is not the right time

Please take a moment
out of you day
and think kindly thoughts
for Mia
and
Baby.

Hurdy Gurdy Man

It's been long said

that there is a hidden or subliminal message

in this song...

can you find it?

Thrown like a star in my vast sleep
I open my eyes to take a peep
To find that I was by the sea
Gazing with tranquillity.
'Twas then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Came singing songs of love,
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Came singing songs of love.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang.

Histories of ages past
Unenlightened shadows cast
Down through all eternity
The crying of humanity.
'Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy ManComes singing songs of love,
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Comes singing songs of love.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang.

Here comes the roly poly man and he's singing songs of love,
Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly, poly he sang.
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang,
Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

Frustrated and whiny

I'm sure that's not a good combo

every once in a while
I get anxious about my lot in life
not that I think my life sux
but that sometimes
the kosmos
make me feel stagnated

I really don't have room
to feel this way
by comparison to others
but.....

I want to move
I'd love to move
I want away from this building
on so many levels
I can't list

but I'm stymied by finances
again

I want to find something
to assist my finances
and allow me to live
in a way that doesn't allow for
constant worrying about finances
but
I don't want to be like the bother
and work 24/7/365
I'm too damn old
and too damn sick
for that

but I'm not too sick to not work
thank goodness

still.....I really really really would like
to get away from that Shriekin bitch
and her 50 yr old pre-pubescent son
next door

if I have to rent
I'd like to live in a cement building
a little quiet wouldn't suck
ya know?

I need 2 parking spots
and I need an elevator
and maybe
I'd like to have a little dog again
for company...

and while I can say to myself
this will happen
I'm deathly tired of waiting

there has to be some way
to get outta white trash hell

I'm sure that this was all precipitated
by discovering that my car
had been "bumped"
yet again
here's hopin that the
3 strikes rule
holds true
and I don't have any other
crap around the car....

imagine making the kind of money
I do
and not being able to afford
to move anywhere in this city?
imagine the very idea
that I live and work in a place
that requires over 1000.00 a mth
to rent a freakin 1 bedroom apt?

yup
frustrated
and
whiny
definitely not a good combo...
eh?

Chapter 81

the sound: Andreas Vollenweider - Mandragora, Andreas Vollenwieder - The Glass Hall, Andreas Vollenweider – Dancing with the Lion, Andreas Vollenweider – Behind the Gardens, Behind the Wall

For the first time, Robert denied that his intention was to marry me.

That silly little smirk he’d got on his face every time his mother had suggested it in the past was gone…and now there was a mean guy in it’s place.

Mrs. K was shocked and as she was twittering and exclaimed about his daring to speak to her in that manner, or daring to speak about his intended with that kind of language, or about him not being too big or too ill for her to box his ears or turn him over her knee and paddle his bare ass…Robert continued to rage culminating in….

“Get that fucking Canadian bitch outta my house!”

I just sat there, hanging my head almost unaware of the cacophony around me….all I could think about was the vial and packet in the closet….that….and how much I really wanted to go home.

Rosie ushered her mother out of the room as Robert sort of wound down and eventually there was silence….just the 2 of us and silence.

“What do you want from me Robert?” I asked, my eyes slipping furtively to the dark recesses of the closet.

“I want you to get me a hit…and then if I want another I want you to get me that one too…and I want you to not have any…I want you to keep that monkey in check…cos you job is to take care of me…and if you do that right…I’ll let you go home.” he said through clenched teeth.

I looked up at his face to see beads of sweat rolling down his temples…and I realized that sure…Robert was in pain…but that he had that same monkey I did.

“what…what…what…what if I flush it all and we both keep our monkey’s in check?” I suggested.

Robert snorted…”not possible”

“I could get you some Jack to take off the edge” I suggested.
“Just get me my fuckin fix bitch!” Robert roared

So I did…I got the second glass kit out of the bathroom drawer and I did just that….

Then against all my promised to Michael, and myself…and even in some way to Robert….I got me one too…

And over time….

There was another…

And another…

And then Gus the Greek came back…

And then there was more….

There eventually became a darkness around that house that no one could see but Robert and I…and in a way it was like coming home.

By the time Robert was well enough to get outta bed on his own…the house was in shambles and both of us were in very serious trouble….it seemed like weeks and months, but truly had only been a matter of days before Robert was running out of cash and we’d started talking about selling things at the house.

We spent our days out of it and then nights scrounging to get more…and when we weren’t high we were figuring ways to get high or we spent our nights high and our days scrounging…I don’t really remember.

I do remember hiding from Mrs. K and Rosie…and I remember Robert beginning to bother me….and not in a friendly way. In no time at all I was thinking about ways to get rid of Robert so that I could have it all to myself.

I was irrational.

I was high.

And I was out of my ever loving mind.