what price friendship?

One of the ailments
I suffer from
is PTSD

as a result
I don't sleep
unless medicated
and sometimes
with the onset of stress
even meds don't help

last night was one of those nights...

if you don't sleep
you don't heal
and then all your other
ailments
take control of your life

in the end
the lack of sleep
is always what triggers
the greater darkness
in my life.

I make decisions
when I have been sleepless
that I suffer for
in the long run

I'm not about to go there this time

more and more
every day
I come to understand
that my perceptions
of the failings of the people
around me
are not just simply my perceptions of
the failings of the people around me
but part of a bigger picture
one of manipulation

there are people who strive to manipulate
and force others into
following a specific pattern of beliefs
they operate from a position of selfishness
and are desperate to control

they do not operate
from a position of
love
consideration
integrity
morals
or
friendship
this lesson I have learned
time and again
in my life

this time...
I'll heed the heart voice
that says...I will no longer allow
master manipulators
access to my life

and just so we are clear
I have no intention of
askin others to follow
me
I never have

so if that means
leaving you all
then I will

I will not go back
to what once was
I am not afraid to be alone
nor am I afraid to start over

but I am afraid
of going back
to that
malice and evil
that once controlled my life.