blah!

It must be mercury's
last kick at the retrograde can
but I'm about as negative as they come just now....

I just can't seem to stop asking myself
how my life got like this?

how did I end up 53 years old
in a dead end job
working for a micro manager
who insults my intelligence
about every second time she opens her yap
(that'd be when she's not insulting my colleague's intelligence)

could I blame it on the fadder...for refusing to go to the family bank to allow me to further my education?
prolly
but will I?
I doubt it

could I blame it on the triple X that made off with all my money and motorcycles etc?
prolly
but will I?
not no more

could I blame it on my never ending health crisies and the inability to do more than work 8 hours and sleep 10 or more?
prolly
but will I?
not likely....

thing is...once you get into this dead end loop it's hard to get out...I'm depressed cos my job sucks, and my job sucks so I'm too depressed to look for another...gak!

Seems that the 3 month VOD reprieve just set me up for a heightened level of anxiety and anger upon her return...it's like I almost had a life there for a month or two...give er take checking in on the nefew - after 10 years of being the beck and call girl I almost got used to not having that silly woman call me 3 times a day at work to yell about the price of chicken.....

but...shes baaaaaaaaaaaaack
and as ornery as ever

she relies completely on me for her social network
and now for her health network too (as little as she'll do)
any kind of support she wants - that's my job...

I've drawn the line were it comes to buying booze for her
and that makes her cantankerous
but hell...I gotta draw the line somewhere
still...it's funny how she can't go next door to the grocery store
but once again she can hustle the block to the booze can???

the bother is a huge frustration right now
he's so busy getting his dick wicked that he can't see how his new partner is being unfair to the fadder
the fadder is no prize...for sure...but he is his fadder....and for her to be treating him
as disparagingly as she is....insults me on the fadder's behalf....and for him to allow it...makes me mad

the thing I keep saying to the bother
is that she has built her opinion of the fadder from what he's told her
and dammit...he needs to suck it up and talk to her....

how come she's all about welcoming the VOD
with open arms
and the VOD's dependant
but she won't give the fadder the time o day
and he's not...?

he just needs a place to park his trailer for a couple of weeks
and access to the bathroom
but now I hear he's not allowed into the house
till after she leaves for work at 9

the blister
as always
is conspicuous in her absence
if I hear one more time how lucky I am to have the 2 of them so close
I'll hit someone!

I continually think of Debra who we lost a week ago, what a waste to die so young....
and of Mia...who lost the love of her life and then the love of her life
and my personal friend whose whole world has been rocked to it's very foundations...
and I try to tell myself that it ain't all bad
but it just ain't working right now

I need a change...
I need something...
I need....

blah!