Life's too short

with all the going's on
over the past year

and the incredibly cruddy
response my body has had
to stress

I've come to understand
that life is really too short
to carry on with grudges.

I've had not one but a couple
of very hard health smacks
in the last year
one of which I had a genetic
predisposition to but is
exacerbated by stress

and the most recent
the result of a childhood virus
that lays dormant in your body
until your stress levels get to the point
where your body says
"I don't think so"
and all hell breaks loose

which of course
exacerbates all the other illness'
that compromise my immunity

I honestly thought
that I'd got to the point
where I was dealing with the losses
in my life
but
apparently I was only fooling myself

I've been shocked and saddened
by some people that I know
over the last year or so

and I've been reminded
again and again
that my priorities
are not necessarily
those of others

I'm not a christian
so I don't have the same kind of
relationship with forgiveness
that christians do

but what I do have
is a faith in humanity
to eventually come round
to seeing
the good
and striving for it.

I truly miss
some of the relationships
I've lost over the past year
and that makes me sad too

I now wonder if it's that I've lost friends
or if they ever were to begin with?
when I see pictures of them now
and I am struck dumb
with sadness
and understand....
what a waste.

This I've also come to understand....

life's too short
and I need to find a way
to get back to living
as opposed to this
shell I've become

I said this to a friend yesterday
"having the courage
to stand by your convictions
doesn't make you popular...
it simply makes you
able to face yourself in the mirror."

have I reached a crossroads?
and discovered that it's time
to make some life changing decisions?

I wish....

I just wish I didn't
that's all.