little epiphanies

seems I've been doing it again

seems that I've been allowing
my passion
my pleasure
my faith
and my perspective

to come from without
instead of from within

all my life I've known
that my greatest struggles come
when I stop listening
to my own voice
and start listening
to others

not arrogance,
conviction.

not audacity,
faith

not ego
belief

not conceit,
passion

the richness
and vastness
of my caring
and faith
in humanity
in the big picture
gets caught up
in the minutiae
of the inevitable
negativity and strife
that comes
from without

I keep getting
these great
huge examples

like spending 4 or 5 years
doing what others think/say I should
for the good of the all
and my position
in the pack

my disappointment
at the hasty red neck
judgments
of a few I'd come to meet
that profess to have
a commonality
with me...

my feelings of loss
around the concept
of career
and greater good

once again
I am faced with
a waking
of self
and an understanding
that no one
or nothing
is responsible
for my hopes
or dreams
my faith
or beliefs

and I can go about my day
with heart
and understanding

and a decidedly
christian thought
for a non christian:

"forgive them, for they know not what they do"

go figure.