rhyme or reason

I've been trying to reach the fadder
since last week

no answer at his house
no answer on his cell

so I tried him early this morn
to find out wtf?

turns out
he's in Nelson
"visiting" with a woman
he met on line

I don't know why I am
but I'm gobsmacked
I should really know better
but I'm gobsmacked
he's had a string of relationships
since he and the VOD split up
and they've all been "secret squirrels"
it's a whole mouthful to say
that the VOD was the best thing that
ever happened to him....

he didn't tell me he was going
cos he knew I'd try to talk him outta it
not because I don't think this new woman
is nice
or right for him

but because I don't think he's right
for anyone....
in the relationship dept I mean

he just split up
with his last partner
of 10 yrs
and got screwed right up the yak
financially
cos he was too proud to talk to her
about finances
they lived together for 10 years
and he never did know how much money
she had...
he made himself sick trying to keep up
to her wants and needs financially
and he never talked to her about money

besides
he's only been on his own
since Oct
and really from Oct to Feb
he lived at the bother's house
(it wasn't friendly
but he lived there)
so he's been on his on for March
and part of April
and the first part of April
he went home to bury his sister

and already he's off
sowing his freakin
80 yr old oats

some might think that's something
to be proud of
an 80 yr old with oats to sow

me - I've been up close and personal
with this 80 yr old
for 53 almost 54 yrs
and this I know...

he's afraid to be alone
cos if he spent some time alone
he might have to examine
why he's alone
and that might lead
to some self examination
that could just cause
a little crumble
of the old "foundation"

because should he have to do that
he might just find out
that while parts of him are pretty stellar
some of him...

not so much

and maybe even he might find out
that his "relationship" with his god
isn't as strong as he'd like to believe
cos he's always trying to find some way
to prove that he's a good guy
without actually becoming...
I don't know?

a good guy maybe?

I ain't saying I'm perfect
fact is I'm a product of all my raising
(plant a potato, get a potato...right?)
and all the shit I put myself through
and all the shit that's been done to me
and all the shit happened to me
but
seriously
I ain't afraid to be alone
in fact I kinda like it

cos in the end
I have to make my peace with me
before I can be healthy
betwixt my ears
and in my heart
with someone else

small wonder
my sister and I are single eh?

absolutely no rhyme or reason.....

Buddha Quote

"Three things cannot be hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth." - Buddha

Trust and Betrayal

Trust is a strange animal
apparently it's something
I do too much

and in spite of the lessons
I've learned over the years
it always comes a big shock to me
when I am betrayed
by someone I trusted
...loved even

I remember years and years ago
when I was living in a small town
in NW On and I knew a lady who'd been
married for many years
who told me that
appparently (according to her)
once her children were born
her husband could no longer
complete the sexual act with her

eventually
close to like 20 years later
they split up
and she went on something
I affectionately
called a "fuck-a-thon"
over the next year or so
there were no holds barred
and she slept with everyone
she could...

she and I were friends
and I worked early in the morning
so she'd call me
as I was preparing
for work
and we'd laugh
and joke about her actions
of the night before

every morning I'd laugh
and say to her
"so...who's husband
did you sleep with last night?"

and she'd laugh and tell me who...

at the time I was dating a fellow
it wasn't a big romance
we were, I thought....
just good friends
and really because
all of our everyday friends
were couples
we kinda got thrown together
and ended up spending
a fair amount of time together

so one morning the
husband killer phones
and I laughingly ask her
who's husband
she'd slept with
the night before

her prompt reply was "yours"

I was absolutely shocked!
flabbergasted!
gob-smacked!

not that he'd sleep with her
when we were dating
but that she'd do that to me
because after all
...we were friends

my feelings were hurt
and I felt betrayed
I cried as I hung up the phone
and called my mother
to vent like a crazy person

the VOD's response
was simple....
she quietly asked me:

"what exactly would make you think
that you are so special
that she wouldn't do it to you?"

I paused
and began giving it some serious thought

"what exactly do you think makes
you so very special that she would
by pass you when she's done it to
everyone else you know?"

which she followed by saying

"weren't you actually
condoning her behaviour
by accepting it?
enjoying it?

...doesn't that make you
guilty by association?

or part of the problem?"

Well....there it was.

I betcha that one could
make yer brain hurt
eh?

it was a hard lesson learned
but I learned it
and I've stood by those ethics since

so the fact that I've experienced
some pretty serious betrayal
from some very surprising sources
over the last couple of weeks

while hurts me quite a bit
also makes me understand
that people
in general
can't be trusted
with my feelings

I can not change you
I can only change myself
and frankly
you deserve what you'll get in the end

oh.....and...

have a nice day.

Crisis of Confidence

there on Sat
when my "used to be" gang
was out playing without me
(i got uninvited...
er rather....
told I wasn't welcome
via an email)

I had a time there
where I was experiencing
a crisis of confidence...

because my feelings were hurt

I truly gave some thought to the idea
of just not holding on to my integrity

I mean really?
if all it takes to be "a friend" is to be without
why do I need it?
right?

yah
uhmmmm
NO

so I started thinking
about the changes I've been through
and the "friendships" I've gained and lost
over my life....

all in all
those that are true friends
have not spent their time
running around behind my back
talking about me
(what's that old Mae West line?
"if they're talkin about me they're
leavin the rest of you alone")
they address issues with me
and don't play games...

I have friends
that I've know for 30 years
and I still hold dear to my heart

in the life I live now....
my true friends have emailed me
or called me
and asked what is going on
and those are the one's
that know the truth
about what has happened
they are the one's
that bothered to find out
that heard both sides
and then made a decision

my real friends know
that while the actions of some
may hurt my feelings
in the end
I'll stand by my beliefs
and that's the best I can do

cos in the end
while it's much easier
to go with the flow
it don't make it right now
do it?

this little crisis of confidence
also got me to wondering
when is it ok to bend your
basic morals or ethics?

when would it be a good time
to throw honour to the wind?

everyone else seems to be able to do it
so why can't I?

I mean....when is it ok to spend time with a person
who deliberately sets out to ruin
someone else's relationships
for their own personal gain?

when is it ok to spend time with someone
who sleeps around while their partner
holds down the fort at home?

when is it ok to have "fuck buddies?"

how about people who steal?
or
kill someone?

in this day and age...
when a CDN woman can literally
be sent to her room for 10 yrs
after she killing someone
and 3...count em 3 convictions....

is it foolish for me to expect anyone to act
within social mores?

what the hell happened to respect?

I read a great deal of science fiction
over the years....
and as a result I've been thinking
in my own perverse little way
of some consequences or punishments
for people who show a decided lack of honour

how about a lip lock for liars?
something automatically grows over one's lips
when they lie
like happened to Neo in "The Matrix"
and then the only way to get it off is to
resign yourself to committing to tell the truth
and apologizing to the offended party
so that once you've made recompense
the lip lock falls off!

or how about a dick/va jay jay lock
for someone who breaks marriage vows?
even for the one's that participate in an emotional adultery
so that you can't use the tool for anything but body elimination
until you fess up and make restitution
with your partner or their partner

I think we've pretty much proven
that going to jail ain't' gonna stop killers
nor is it going to stop thieves
how about death then?
hang the fuckers?
eye for an eye?
tooth for a tooth?

even into the twentieth century,
the punishment for stealing from a mine
was to have one's hand nailed to the stowce

what about the punishment aboriginals use to hand out
for them that spoke with forked tongues?
would a manipulator be the kind of person who'd
end up with a forked tongue?

how many people do you know that would have
shredded tongues as opposed to just one fork?

the VOD tells this story
about how when we were kids
she told us all to be fair,
not to hit people when they made us mad
or hurt our feelings
and to share

one day I came home from school
with a black eye...
she asked what happened
I said - "apparently we're the only ones playin by these rules Ma!"

that was the beginning of some hard years for me
cos I spent a long time fighting back
not only with violence
but with the meanest mouth possible
I thought I was adept at leveling the playing field that way
turns out people feared me instead.
(and violence begets violence....we all know where that goes)

I made a conscious decision to do better
when I came to the island
and so far
while I've been sorely tested
I've not slipped

one of my friends told me
that this current "bump in the road"
was cos all these people were afraid of me
only now it's not my physical violence or mean mouth...
it's my ethics and morals.

so while I'm stewing over
the how's and the why's
of what is currently going on in my life
I know without reservation
that I'm still able to look at myself in the mirror

in the end - that's what counts most

that and the love and support
of the people that honestly "get" me
and that's all I need.

Shame

you are lying

I know it
and you know it

you can kick and scream
and call foul to anyone who'll listen
till the cows come home
that won't make you less of a liar

you lied to me about her on Sat night
and you lied to me about him as well
(guess you didn't know that he already
knew where the new house was did you?)

you lied on Sat night

and when you got called on it...
you lied on the board as well

just like you lied to me about what
someone else said a month ago

you won't/don't talk to me about it
but you certainly don't have a problem
telling anyone else that will listen
(and they call me a drama queen - pfffft!)

I am ashamed of you.

You've hurt people
that always knew what you were up to
and while they didn't necessarily understand
they didn't walk away...

see...the thing is
that I think you've been lying for so long
you don't even realize you are doing it anymore

more's the pity

I don't want to think that of you
but you sure are making it hard.

I think it started because you were so desperate to belong
and now you don't know how to live in truth

I believe in my heart of hearts that you are so desperate to find love
you are going about it all the wrong way

I have to believe that
cos to believe otherwise
would mean that you continue to do this shit
from a place of maliciousness
and that would mean you are truly bad at your core
I don't want to believe that...

I think you are so scared of living without love
you can't be yourself
even to yourself...

course...I'm a trouble maker
and a drama queen...right?

here's the truth
I'm not blaming
I know this
cos I used to be you

and because of that one fact
I also know that you can't fix the past
but you can strive for a better future.

but you have to want to...

there's the key
YOU have to want to.

I really hope that someday you find peace

Fool me

once?...
shame on you

fool me twice?...
Shame on me.

don'tcha just love the oldies?



Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zepplin
Lyin', cheatin', hurtin, that's all you seem to do
Messin' around, every guy in town
Puttin' me down for thinkin' of someone new
Always the same, playin' your game
Drive me insane, trouble's gonna come to you
One of these days, and it won't be long
You'll look for me, but, baby, I'll be gone

This is all I gotta say to ya, woman
Your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come
Your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come

Made up my mind, break you this time
Won't be so kind, it's my turn to cry
Do what you want, I won't take the brunt
It's fadin' away, can't feel you anymore
Don't care what you say 'cause I'm goin' away to stay
Gonna make you pay for that great big hole in my heart
People talkin' all around
Watch out, woman, no longer is the joke gonna be on my heart

You been bad to me, woman, but it's comin' back home to you
Your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come
Your time is gonna come, your time is gonna come
Your time is gonna come, 'bye, 'bye-'bye, baby
Your time is gonna come, right now, right now
Your time is gonna come, believe me, my girl
Your time is gonna come, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
Your time is gonna come, nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah
Your time is gonna come, I'm not likely to wait for ya
Your time is gonna come, goodbye, baby
Your time

for clarity sake...

just so we're clear

I write this blog for me
I do not write it for the readers

I teach myself lessons here
and if you learn too
that's a double cash bingo

but no body is forcing you to read
so if you don't like it
go away
it's not really a loss to me
see I started blogging here in 2005
but I've been writing publicly
and online for a lot longer...
I've been telling stories bout
my life and times online
for more than 10 years now

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate
the readers

I do

but I don't write it for you
I write it for me
it's not hard to admit
this particular selfishness
cos I know it's value to me

see....I don't have a partner
and I do my best thinking out loud
so I blog and I often copy these posts to FaceBook
cos I like to over share (ha...that's a joke see?)

and cos over the years I've learned
that if I don't have some venue
to do that over sharing
things get messed up for me...

in the old days
they got really messed up
and violence occurred
so now
I write it to say what I wanna say
I write it to say what I need to say
to someone
anyone
to me
but for me...
I write it to get my head to shut up
or to get something worked out
I write so I don't have to increase my meds
seriously

and also for clarity's sake

when I say "I"
I mean just that
me
not you
not we
me
that's common
basic
english
and if you read something else into it
I can't be held accountable for that

people like to argue about blogs being
on public internet so they are public domain
and I frankly don't care that they are

because for me....
these are my thoughts
and when the shit hits the fan in my life
I need to find a way to vent

sometimes I'm lucky and when I vent
it comes out funny
and you all find it amuzing
but often as not
my blog posts are rambling lessons
to myself
and if you read it and learn something too
how can that be wrong?

*subject change*

today I found out
that people think that I don't ever think I'm wrong

that's just fucking laughable
if I hadn't spent the last couple of hours
crying about it
it would be truly hilarious...

that just goes to show you
how little they know me

I can only surmise that
they see me as they want to
and don't bother to really get to know the real me
they really don't care enough
to get to know me
cos I know I'm wrong lots

(and for clarity's sake - this ain't about my
posts of the past week - I still think/feel the same way
and I don't care whether ya'll agree)

so while I don't say to you "on the subject of XYZ
YOU were right and I was wrong"

I very often walk away with a learning
and I'm all good with that

but sadly
I now understand that people don't see it that way
and what they see me as
is arrogant

I am arrogant
but I'm not stupid

arrogance is just part of all of the parts of me
and if you can't separate that
or don't believe that the combination
of all the parts of me outweigh the arrogance
then you are just as shallow
as you think me to be

truth is
people will see what they want to see
and say what they want to say
I can't worry about that
I have too much to worry about
to keep myself
on the straight and narrow

in the old days I met hurt with violence
I will not go back

no matter how much I hurt
I will not go back

I've been shit on by bigger and better "men"
than they'll ever be.

Rambling....

the nicest thing about
beating yer head
against a brick wall
is that it feels so good
when you quit

(don't read anything into that
I ain't quiting anything)

today I got to spend some time
sitting at my desk at work
crying
cos I got an email from "a friend"
that was mean...
really mean

who it was
is none of your business

suffice it to say
it hurt
because it was from someone
who's friendship I valued
and who has apparently decided
to no longer be my friend

someone who in essence told me
that as a result of his interpretation of my blog
(not actually speaking to me...my blog no less)
that I was no longer welcome

the criterion behind my friendships
are a personal understanding
of ethics
morals
and fairness

in my family
it has always been a joke
that I was wise
from an early age
but apparently not wise enough
for my friends
who like nothing more than to
judge me
for their perception of my words
not my actions

I have spent many years of my life
fighting from virtually insurmountable odds
(I don't say this cos I think I'm the only one
that has had a tough life...
I say this because it's true...
some small part of which
I've outlined here in a story)
to stop being selfish
and to do my best to be fair

when I see someone
doing something that I know
is unfair
I feel that it is an obligation
to call them on it

and when I'm wrong
I say so

sadly
not everyone has that ability
or apparently even
wants to have it

one of the things that I value
about my friends dearly
is the ability
to disagree with them
and to not have to end
a friendship
as a result

and I make it a practice
to never say anything behind some one's back
that I wouldn't say to their face

sometimes that doesn't
work out in my favor
and I get my feelings hurt
but in the end
I will stand by what I believe to be right

and truly
if the act of being my friend
is too tiring
that's not my problem
it's yours....

it hurts
but it's not my problem

I will do my best
to hold accountable
people who judge others unfairly
myself included
and call people on it
when they do so

when I do call them on it
I often do so from a position of
innuendo on this blog

however...in an effort to speak my piece
but not actually come out
and name someone specifically
because I've actually been threatened
both physically and legally in the past
long before I came to write on this blog
people often take what I say
as colored by their own narrow minds...

sadly - this blog will likely be my undoing
because people don't read what I write
as verbatim
they read it from their own misguided
perception ("so what I think I hear you saying...")

and instead of asking
they freak....

but still
I will continue to strive daily
to separate the actions
from the person
you know "love the sinner....hate the sin"?
(thanks Eden)

that's why I don't take the end of
a friendship lightly
the last time I was months
agonizing over it
and listening to other's misguided
direction
as opposed to doing what was right
in my heart
from the get go...

so
I'm sorry that you seem to find it
too much work
you ain't always been
a walk in the freakin park
yerself LoL

oh and p.s
to all the people
who like to capture posts
from my blog
and email them hither and yon

keep up the good work
you'll get your reward
I'm sure!

cos apparently ya'll have forgotten
that I'm human
that I can be hurt
and that apparently
I'm nothing near as perfect as ya'll are...

Scared eyes!

so...













I've been looking for eyeglass frames
for a couple of years
but have had serious trouble with my eyes
so I put off buying glasses till I knew
what was going on...

after being diagnosed with this wonky eye disease
in December
the specialist gave me permission
to finally get a new prescription...

I got my new glasses today
I'd ordered them on March 19th
and paid $869.00 up front for them
(I get 200.00 back
from our medical plan
at work
so god bless Mastercard!)

they were to be here in 2 weeks
3 weeks ago I call and ask where they are
they tell me that they'll call the lab to find out
3 days later I call again
they tell me they got busy
and forgot to call the lab
but as the lab is closed
they will call in the morning

in the morning
they call me
and tell me that they've discovered
that they forgot to send the order
to the lab 3 weeks ago
so they hadn't even left the building

they apologize profusely
and then they tell me
that they've put a "super rush" on them

I laugh and tell em it's ok
we're all human

today (almost 2 more weeks later)
they call and tell me
that they are ready
I go in to pick them up at 4 pm (they close at 6)
I try them on
to make sure that they are centered
and the left lens falls out

I catch it

we all laugh and they put the lens back in

we decide
I shouldn’t wear them to drive cos
my eyes are pretty sore
and it's the end of the day
so I'll put them beside my bed
and wear them tomorrow
from first thing in the morning

I drive home
I go to the VOD's
and try them on to show her

the left lens falls out

I call them...
"guess what?
The left lens fell out!"

They tell me to come back
(thank goodness they are close)

I go back
We all laugh
and they fix em again

I put em back in my bag
and drive into the city

I go into the store
and take the new glasses out
so I can read a label on a bottle

I put them on...
the left lens falls out

Fuck me
I'm done...

I'm no longer laughing...
I'm taking em back tomorrow
and shoving em up someone's ass

~I'm just saying~

The road to hell is paved with good intentions…

Yet another old cliché for me to fall back upon

I want to begin this by saying I don’t think that people
are generally malicious by nature
(give or take the occasional pompous ass)

but I really don’t think that as a rule
people sit up nights
looking for ways to fuck each other over

I do think that they are self centered by nature and
and as a result hurtful,
because I think this way…

I also think that it’s my responsibility to
teach people how I want to be treated….
cos people can’t walk on me like I’m the carpet
unless I lie down on the floor.

Easter weekend was a busy weekend for me
what with friends in town from off island
family here from up island
and a renewal of friendships before the riding season
...er so I thought

It was great to see my old friend from off Island
and it was fun to spend time with family
but the results of the renewal of friendships before the riding season has me sad and feeling somewhat used

and it’s made me understand yet again
that there are consequences for every action
we purposefully or impulsively take in our lives
either way…there’s consequences.

to my way of thinking
a person can do something
with the best of intentions
but if they don’t pause to think out the consequences
of their actions
the results can be devastating for someone…

most specifically if the perception is
that this person did something
behind a friend’s back
and the friend get’s hurt

And then if that same person
spends the evening
saying out loud
that they were able to keep
"certain undesirable people”
from attending the get together…
and specifying whom
and that they did so
by sending out private invitations
to only the people
they wanted to see…

then what else are we to conclude
but that one of the people that was not invited
would be the friend who’s feelings got hurt?

See…also to my way of thinking…
and again also just my own cracker box thoughts…

one would be better served to have called the hurt friend
in the beginning and saying “we are having a party
and I’d really like you to come
but I need to let you know that “so and so” will be there
and I know you have a bone of contention
with that person but her husband is a close friend of the guest of honor”

Wouldn’t facing the issue head on
and sharing it right up front
be less hurtful in all camps
and for everyone involved
in the long run?

And once again (at the risk of repeating myself)

when ya make a mistake...
more than half the battle is to say
“I fucked up”
and then shut up
and accept the consequences of one’s action
as opposed to compounding the issue
by overly justifying
their so called “reasons”
for the action after the fact.

If you hurt someone’s feelings
isn’t the best course of action
to apologize and accept the consequences for your action
than to have to deal with all the turmoil
the action caused in your life in the first place?

Specially if you truly care about the person you’ve hurt?

I don’t get how getting defensive when called on your actions
could make people view you as less than incorrect…

Well
it seems to me that it should...
but what the hell do I know?
these are only my thoughts
and I get called on them
every damn day…

I keep hearing the feedback
about the difference
between friends and acquaintances…

if that’s how you can get
your personal ethics
around a lack of same in others
good for you….

but in my books
friends are people
that don’t try to fuck you over
or hurt your feelings
by hiding the truth

friends are people
that don’t play games
that may be perceived
as behind your back

I guess this is why
I’m never gonna be able
to have a gathering
in my home
cos I am so not exclusive
when it comes to my friends

yet according to some...
I'd be the all knowing all seeing
Satanic power behind every
wrong doing in the universe
from here to eternity...

Pah!
what the hell do I know?
I’m gonna just stay low n keep moving

and hope against hope
I don’t hurt anyone
on the way

And When I Die.....

A Change is Gonna Come

I woke up humming this today
I wonder if it's prophetic?

I mean...
really?
just how long
do ya think I can remain
this sad?

life does go on
doesnt' it?




I was born by the river
In a little tent
Oh, and just like
The river I've been runnin' ever since

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
Change is gonna come
Woah yes it will

It's been too hard living
But I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there
Beyond the skies

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
Change is gonna come
Woah yes it will

I go to the movies
And I go downtown
Somebody keeps telling me don't
Hang around

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
Change is gonna come
Woah yes it will

Then I go to my brother
I say 'Brother, help me please'
But he winds up
Knocking me
Back down on my knees begging please, yeah

There're've been times I've thought
I couldn't let us be alone
Now I think I'm able to carry on

It's been a long, long time
Long time coming but I know, yeah
Change is gonna come
Oh, yes it will

My Mission

Norma Scarborough
September 19, 1926 - April 2, 2009
My mission is to stay true to myself
I will strive to find who I truly am
I will live everyday according to how
I want to be I will focus on accomplishing all the things I want to accomplish
I will refuse to be held back I will follow my heart and my mind
I will seek advice from family and friends if I become discouraged
However I will always follow what I believe to be right
I will be there for others
I will not settle
I will face fearI will succeed
I will make decisions for myself
I will not regret
I will never lose faith in myself
I will be…
Remember: Commitment no matter what the cost….true love is found within the family and yes…you do have a responsibility to others.

Once there was 6...

now there are 4...

it is with the greatest sorrow
that I state

today
the women
of this great country
suffered a huge loss
in advocacy,
and a founding sister
of the women's movement
here in Canada.

I lost my Aunt.

Norma Mae (Brown) Scarborough
September 19, 1926 - April 2, 2009












Daughter,
Sister,
Mother,
Grandmother,
Great Grandmother,
Great Great Grandmother,
Aunt

My aunt Norma,

who fought tirelessly
and endless
for women in Canada
to be recognized
and to
to establish
and continually confirm
the rights of women
"to choose"
in Canada

RIP Normie Mae
















and thank you
on behalf of the legions of women
too young to know...

too young to remember
the sacrifices of you
and yours
for the fight you believed in

You are loved.