Crisis of Confidence

there on Sat
when my "used to be" gang
was out playing without me
(i got uninvited...
er rather....
told I wasn't welcome
via an email)

I had a time there
where I was experiencing
a crisis of confidence...

because my feelings were hurt

I truly gave some thought to the idea
of just not holding on to my integrity

I mean really?
if all it takes to be "a friend" is to be without
why do I need it?
right?

yah
uhmmmm
NO

so I started thinking
about the changes I've been through
and the "friendships" I've gained and lost
over my life....

all in all
those that are true friends
have not spent their time
running around behind my back
talking about me
(what's that old Mae West line?
"if they're talkin about me they're
leavin the rest of you alone")
they address issues with me
and don't play games...

I have friends
that I've know for 30 years
and I still hold dear to my heart

in the life I live now....
my true friends have emailed me
or called me
and asked what is going on
and those are the one's
that know the truth
about what has happened
they are the one's
that bothered to find out
that heard both sides
and then made a decision

my real friends know
that while the actions of some
may hurt my feelings
in the end
I'll stand by my beliefs
and that's the best I can do

cos in the end
while it's much easier
to go with the flow
it don't make it right now
do it?

this little crisis of confidence
also got me to wondering
when is it ok to bend your
basic morals or ethics?

when would it be a good time
to throw honour to the wind?

everyone else seems to be able to do it
so why can't I?

I mean....when is it ok to spend time with a person
who deliberately sets out to ruin
someone else's relationships
for their own personal gain?

when is it ok to spend time with someone
who sleeps around while their partner
holds down the fort at home?

when is it ok to have "fuck buddies?"

how about people who steal?
or
kill someone?

in this day and age...
when a CDN woman can literally
be sent to her room for 10 yrs
after she killing someone
and 3...count em 3 convictions....

is it foolish for me to expect anyone to act
within social mores?

what the hell happened to respect?

I read a great deal of science fiction
over the years....
and as a result I've been thinking
in my own perverse little way
of some consequences or punishments
for people who show a decided lack of honour

how about a lip lock for liars?
something automatically grows over one's lips
when they lie
like happened to Neo in "The Matrix"
and then the only way to get it off is to
resign yourself to committing to tell the truth
and apologizing to the offended party
so that once you've made recompense
the lip lock falls off!

or how about a dick/va jay jay lock
for someone who breaks marriage vows?
even for the one's that participate in an emotional adultery
so that you can't use the tool for anything but body elimination
until you fess up and make restitution
with your partner or their partner

I think we've pretty much proven
that going to jail ain't' gonna stop killers
nor is it going to stop thieves
how about death then?
hang the fuckers?
eye for an eye?
tooth for a tooth?

even into the twentieth century,
the punishment for stealing from a mine
was to have one's hand nailed to the stowce

what about the punishment aboriginals use to hand out
for them that spoke with forked tongues?
would a manipulator be the kind of person who'd
end up with a forked tongue?

how many people do you know that would have
shredded tongues as opposed to just one fork?

the VOD tells this story
about how when we were kids
she told us all to be fair,
not to hit people when they made us mad
or hurt our feelings
and to share

one day I came home from school
with a black eye...
she asked what happened
I said - "apparently we're the only ones playin by these rules Ma!"

that was the beginning of some hard years for me
cos I spent a long time fighting back
not only with violence
but with the meanest mouth possible
I thought I was adept at leveling the playing field that way
turns out people feared me instead.
(and violence begets violence....we all know where that goes)

I made a conscious decision to do better
when I came to the island
and so far
while I've been sorely tested
I've not slipped

one of my friends told me
that this current "bump in the road"
was cos all these people were afraid of me
only now it's not my physical violence or mean mouth...
it's my ethics and morals.

so while I'm stewing over
the how's and the why's
of what is currently going on in my life
I know without reservation
that I'm still able to look at myself in the mirror

in the end - that's what counts most

that and the love and support
of the people that honestly "get" me
and that's all I need.