Rambling....

the nicest thing about
beating yer head
against a brick wall
is that it feels so good
when you quit

(don't read anything into that
I ain't quiting anything)

today I got to spend some time
sitting at my desk at work
crying
cos I got an email from "a friend"
that was mean...
really mean

who it was
is none of your business

suffice it to say
it hurt
because it was from someone
who's friendship I valued
and who has apparently decided
to no longer be my friend

someone who in essence told me
that as a result of his interpretation of my blog
(not actually speaking to me...my blog no less)
that I was no longer welcome

the criterion behind my friendships
are a personal understanding
of ethics
morals
and fairness

in my family
it has always been a joke
that I was wise
from an early age
but apparently not wise enough
for my friends
who like nothing more than to
judge me
for their perception of my words
not my actions

I have spent many years of my life
fighting from virtually insurmountable odds
(I don't say this cos I think I'm the only one
that has had a tough life...
I say this because it's true...
some small part of which
I've outlined here in a story)
to stop being selfish
and to do my best to be fair

when I see someone
doing something that I know
is unfair
I feel that it is an obligation
to call them on it

and when I'm wrong
I say so

sadly
not everyone has that ability
or apparently even
wants to have it

one of the things that I value
about my friends dearly
is the ability
to disagree with them
and to not have to end
a friendship
as a result

and I make it a practice
to never say anything behind some one's back
that I wouldn't say to their face

sometimes that doesn't
work out in my favor
and I get my feelings hurt
but in the end
I will stand by what I believe to be right

and truly
if the act of being my friend
is too tiring
that's not my problem
it's yours....

it hurts
but it's not my problem

I will do my best
to hold accountable
people who judge others unfairly
myself included
and call people on it
when they do so

when I do call them on it
I often do so from a position of
innuendo on this blog

however...in an effort to speak my piece
but not actually come out
and name someone specifically
because I've actually been threatened
both physically and legally in the past
long before I came to write on this blog
people often take what I say
as colored by their own narrow minds...

sadly - this blog will likely be my undoing
because people don't read what I write
as verbatim
they read it from their own misguided
perception ("so what I think I hear you saying...")

and instead of asking
they freak....

but still
I will continue to strive daily
to separate the actions
from the person
you know "love the sinner....hate the sin"?
(thanks Eden)

that's why I don't take the end of
a friendship lightly
the last time I was months
agonizing over it
and listening to other's misguided
direction
as opposed to doing what was right
in my heart
from the get go...

so
I'm sorry that you seem to find it
too much work
you ain't always been
a walk in the freakin park
yerself LoL

oh and p.s
to all the people
who like to capture posts
from my blog
and email them hither and yon

keep up the good work
you'll get your reward
I'm sure!

cos apparently ya'll have forgotten
that I'm human
that I can be hurt
and that apparently
I'm nothing near as perfect as ya'll are...