rhyme or reason

I've been trying to reach the fadder
since last week

no answer at his house
no answer on his cell

so I tried him early this morn
to find out wtf?

turns out
he's in Nelson
"visiting" with a woman
he met on line

I don't know why I am
but I'm gobsmacked
I should really know better
but I'm gobsmacked
he's had a string of relationships
since he and the VOD split up
and they've all been "secret squirrels"
it's a whole mouthful to say
that the VOD was the best thing that
ever happened to him....

he didn't tell me he was going
cos he knew I'd try to talk him outta it
not because I don't think this new woman
is nice
or right for him

but because I don't think he's right
for anyone....
in the relationship dept I mean

he just split up
with his last partner
of 10 yrs
and got screwed right up the yak
financially
cos he was too proud to talk to her
about finances
they lived together for 10 years
and he never did know how much money
she had...
he made himself sick trying to keep up
to her wants and needs financially
and he never talked to her about money

besides
he's only been on his own
since Oct
and really from Oct to Feb
he lived at the bother's house
(it wasn't friendly
but he lived there)
so he's been on his on for March
and part of April
and the first part of April
he went home to bury his sister

and already he's off
sowing his freakin
80 yr old oats

some might think that's something
to be proud of
an 80 yr old with oats to sow

me - I've been up close and personal
with this 80 yr old
for 53 almost 54 yrs
and this I know...

he's afraid to be alone
cos if he spent some time alone
he might have to examine
why he's alone
and that might lead
to some self examination
that could just cause
a little crumble
of the old "foundation"

because should he have to do that
he might just find out
that while parts of him are pretty stellar
some of him...

not so much

and maybe even he might find out
that his "relationship" with his god
isn't as strong as he'd like to believe
cos he's always trying to find some way
to prove that he's a good guy
without actually becoming...
I don't know?

a good guy maybe?

I ain't saying I'm perfect
fact is I'm a product of all my raising
(plant a potato, get a potato...right?)
and all the shit I put myself through
and all the shit that's been done to me
and all the shit happened to me
but
seriously
I ain't afraid to be alone
in fact I kinda like it

cos in the end
I have to make my peace with me
before I can be healthy
betwixt my ears
and in my heart
with someone else

small wonder
my sister and I are single eh?

absolutely no rhyme or reason.....