for clarity sake...

just so we're clear

I write this blog for me
I do not write it for the readers

I teach myself lessons here
and if you learn too
that's a double cash bingo

but no body is forcing you to read
so if you don't like it
go away
it's not really a loss to me
see I started blogging here in 2005
but I've been writing publicly
and online for a lot longer...
I've been telling stories bout
my life and times online
for more than 10 years now

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate
the readers

I do

but I don't write it for you
I write it for me
it's not hard to admit
this particular selfishness
cos I know it's value to me

see....I don't have a partner
and I do my best thinking out loud
so I blog and I often copy these posts to FaceBook
cos I like to over share (ha...that's a joke see?)

and cos over the years I've learned
that if I don't have some venue
to do that over sharing
things get messed up for me...

in the old days
they got really messed up
and violence occurred
so now
I write it to say what I wanna say
I write it to say what I need to say
to someone
anyone
to me
but for me...
I write it to get my head to shut up
or to get something worked out
I write so I don't have to increase my meds
seriously

and also for clarity's sake

when I say "I"
I mean just that
me
not you
not we
me
that's common
basic
english
and if you read something else into it
I can't be held accountable for that

people like to argue about blogs being
on public internet so they are public domain
and I frankly don't care that they are

because for me....
these are my thoughts
and when the shit hits the fan in my life
I need to find a way to vent

sometimes I'm lucky and when I vent
it comes out funny
and you all find it amuzing
but often as not
my blog posts are rambling lessons
to myself
and if you read it and learn something too
how can that be wrong?

*subject change*

today I found out
that people think that I don't ever think I'm wrong

that's just fucking laughable
if I hadn't spent the last couple of hours
crying about it
it would be truly hilarious...

that just goes to show you
how little they know me

I can only surmise that
they see me as they want to
and don't bother to really get to know the real me
they really don't care enough
to get to know me
cos I know I'm wrong lots

(and for clarity's sake - this ain't about my
posts of the past week - I still think/feel the same way
and I don't care whether ya'll agree)

so while I don't say to you "on the subject of XYZ
YOU were right and I was wrong"

I very often walk away with a learning
and I'm all good with that

but sadly
I now understand that people don't see it that way
and what they see me as
is arrogant

I am arrogant
but I'm not stupid

arrogance is just part of all of the parts of me
and if you can't separate that
or don't believe that the combination
of all the parts of me outweigh the arrogance
then you are just as shallow
as you think me to be

truth is
people will see what they want to see
and say what they want to say
I can't worry about that
I have too much to worry about
to keep myself
on the straight and narrow

in the old days I met hurt with violence
I will not go back

no matter how much I hurt
I will not go back

I've been shit on by bigger and better "men"
than they'll ever be.