bits n pieces

another rider was killed here last night
I sure hope it's not someone I know

seems that the only answer that the police ever have
is that they were riding too fast
and while I'm sure that this often is
the contributing factor
it can't always be

in other news
the VOD is still in Merritt
it's kinda weird at my house right now
spooky quiet
but in a good way
too bad it wasn't an incentive
to do some housework eh?
but I am firm in the understanding
that if I just sit down
the urge will pass! :o)

the weather is much better this week
than it was last
and as a result the ride to work
is much more pleasant

then again
there's never a bad day for a ride

I watched a special on the news last night
about a news person that was bombed in Iraq
She lived
but her crew didn't
and it got me to thinking...

here's the young wife of one of the camera men
and 2 very small children
poised at the beginning of their lives
only to have all their hopes and dreams
dashed upon the rocks of fate

it brought me to mind of 2 things:

1.. we hear about the war so much
that humanity seems to have
become desensitised to the horror...
we quickly flip the channel to avoid those
ghastly pix -
to keep us safe in our delusions...
to keep us from understanding that the
thousands of people that die
were someones daddy or mommy or
brother or sister or husband or wife
and that somewhere hearts are breaking
or broken...

2...while that heartbroken wife has had all
of her hopes and dreams dashed
her two wee children haven't....
they both call their daddy a hero
but they don't truly realize just what that means
they don't realize that they've lost their daddy
cos a man in Washington says that they
need to protect their country from something
he finds fearful....that we are no longer sure exactly
what that is...but that their daddy was not just
a hero...he was a patriot.
and in spite of the horrific loss of their daddy
they will go on to a new, not better but new reality
with new hopes and dreams

and that my friends
is the cycle of life
*sigh*

knickers in a knot

I've spent a lot of time
over the last little while
jokin with my friends
about how my inside voice is broken

and how I have lost patience with stupidity
for stupidity's sake

about how I can not abide
people who operate without empathy

and about how I know mean when I see it
cos I used to live it...

one of my blogging friends
who has a pretty active blog
that rarely has less than a dozen
comments per post
cos she's bright and witty and funny and erudite
is having a real tough time just now

she's suffering from depression
and she's made some giant steps
to get help (first giant step is admission)
and to help herself
but she's just started down the path
so she's still having a tough time
taking baby steps
where giant steps could be used

yesterday
she posts a rather long blog
about the personal horror's of her disease
about how undermining it is
to her psyche
about how she feels unlovable
about how non supportive she perceives her partner to be just now
about how she feels that
friends and family figure
that cos she's started medication
everything should be status quo
and really slammin her cos she quit the job
that brought her to the peak of her disease

then some fucktard (as the very first comment)
posts a long rambling comment
about how she should step up to the plate
and "bite the bullet"
and work to support her man and family
blah blah blah

instead of being loving
and empathetic
and supportive

guess what happened?
I lost my temper

and posted a comment
the 2nd comment related to that post
that ran something like this:
"ok first off...people that pass judgment
from lofty heights
without identifying themselves
are gutless and passive aggressive
and should fuck off and shut up
- but fuck off first!
*dammit*"

yup
that's right
I lost my cool and told some anonymous fucktard
just where the bear
shit in the woods

old habits die hard eh?

I don't regret having said what I said
to the gutless wonder
that posted that meanness in her comments
but I do regret bringing her blog comments to a screeching halt
in one major move

it bothers me
when people are not ethical
it bothers me
when they don't operate from a position of integrity
and in my books anonymous slams
are not integral

so
old habits die hard
and my knickers were in a knot
just long enough
to flap the yap
and as usual
for me it's now gone

everyone has to come thru
this disease
in their own way and time
and nobody should get to
compound the ailment
with anonymous venom

it just ain't right.

Malahat Mountain Mixer

what an absolutley fabulous weekend
the resort rocked
the motel next door was an added bonus for us old'uns
and as always...the people...
for me it's always made by the people

here's some highlights for me:

• made so very welcome....
• ring a ding ding ding ding ding ding ding DADDY!
• old friends
• arsenic and old lace - what's that smell?
• did anybody tell the neighbours we were coming?
• purple passion plus pumpkin orange = Barney!
• new friends
• NO left turns
• coffeeeeeeeeee
• fabulous food at Rubin's house
• find me a.....?
• I'm a Barbie Girl
• anotomically correct Ken Doll
• well I was gonna say wallet....but dope will do!
• old knees and air mattress's
• what have you done for me lately Eddy?
• Metric Meadows
• the new and improved C word
• loss of the son of a member up island via motorcycle
• kids n creeks
• behind the 8 ball
• fabulous food
• no running lights
• hot water bottles are cheaper
• Nap time at the OK corral
• fire!
• bear dog? what bears? nobody said nuttin about bears? Where's Daddy?
• ear warmers by Louie n Kaz
• Man Doll (I don't freakin think so!)
• good job done by all!

I love love love this club!

thanks Dragon and LittleQuicky for yet another awesome annual bash!

kinda almost sorta...

here's today's horoscope: You may want to keep your ship on an even keel today, dear Leo, but keep in mind that this simply might not be possible, no matter how hard you try. The wind is blowing strongly, and you may just have to adjust your sails and give in to the fact that you will have to sail your ship with a titled keel. This will make you go much faster, but will also mean that you are more prone to capsize. Live on the edge.

Ya'll know that I've been searching for a vehicle to purchase...but I'm having a hard time finding trust for used car salesmen (trying not to find the Herb Tarlek in everyone of them if ya get my drift)....and I couldn't get more wishy washy about what I want if you were to pay me cash dollars. So I've elicited the assistance of one of my riding brothers.(Zeek)

Yesterday we send back and forth a dozen or so emails on wants vs needs etc...and he comes up with a used 98 Pathfinder Chillcoot for me to look at...it's in good shape, has low mileage and the price seems right...

I am working today and leaving from work for my weekend away. So Zeek goes to the lot and explains the situation and takes the truck out for a test drive...he then brings it to my work and we go out for a quick spin around the block.

I am besotted with this truck...because there's an emotional component here too...when I lived in ON and owned my own business I purchased a brand new 94 pathfinder...and after I got sick, lost everything and moved here I had to sell it at a huge loss because I was declaring bankruptcy....

Here I am all these years later and this pathfinder (while not the same color and an obvious upgrade from my old one) has me hooked. My bro suggests placing a deposit on it to keep it in hand till I get back next week....and that I should try not to drool on the truck when talking to the used car salesman as that usually trumps your ability to negotiate price. LoL

I cut the check and call the (very reputable) dealership to discuss who the check needs to be made out to. I speak to the guy on the phone and he's very solicitous but can't quite do it without me coming there to sign some papers.

So I hop in the truck with Zeek and we slip around the corner to the lot to sign a paper and get a receipt for my refundable deposit. The fellow that Zeek spoke with and the one I spoke to on the phone is too busy and in light of my need to rush asks another fellow salesman to assist me. The first thing that passes thru my head about this second salesman is that he's so nervous that he's got the shakes.

The second salesman begins looking for further paperwork and brings forth a file with information about the truck. The first salesman told Zeek that the truck had not been in an accident...but there's a report in the file that says it had a 3300.00 claim in insurance (but not what for)

The second salesman then begins this double talk about the deposit...seemingly to my mind to force me into a decision I don't want to make right this freakin minute.

The second salesman then tells us that the deposit is non refundable. Zeek calls him on that fact and the guy completely ignores him while continuing to offer some babble about the 2 or 3 other potential buyers he has for the truck. The first salesman then comes over and completely lies about what Zeek had told him in the beginning as well.

My gut says..."see ya!"

"It's ok" says I
and I pick up the check and walk out the door.
Zeek starts to apologize for having led me astray...but I don't think he did. He told the first salesman what my situation was...and the guy got smarmy when I got there.

all of this, for me, gives me an understanding that I should always go with my gut...and if it was meant to be that I get to a point to purchase a truck in the future...it'll happen and if not...maybe I'll buy another $100.00 car!

thanks for the assist today Zeekster
there's always next week!

bored bored bored

OMG
I am beyond bored

because it is the start of our down season
and because my boss couldn't organize herself
(or as the fadder says "couldn't organize a blow job in a whore house!")
I literally have had nothing to do all week long

a woman can only check her email so many times...
goddess bless facebook, myspace and blogger!

thank all the gawds it's a short week
she's all talking alllll about how much work we have to do
in preparation for next year
but she can't get herself organized enough
to actually figure out what it is
that she will "allow" me to do

if she spent about half the time she does
flappin her lips about work
and the rest
actually working
we'd be made in the shade!

she can't or won't delegate
and me
I'm just over here saying
"have you read my resume"

hello?

what a gong show this is at times like this
but it's still better than the old job

I'm too bored to even pretend
to find some kind
of freaking profound thing
to write about
I AM BORED!

the good news is that I'm away for the weekend
my boss would call it a "retreat"
the freakin hippy
I'm going to a 2 day party
for bikers
yay!

let the summer begin!

the blister and other family tidbits

the blister sent an email
allowing as she "understands"
that there is some conflict
with her holiday dates
and mine
but "we'll just have to make the best of it"

the way I look at it
is we'll have 4 days together
that's just long enough for
her to piss me off
and then I'll go on hols
and forget about it

in other news
the aunt in Merritt
has been taken home
she has a hospital bed and oxygen
in her living room
and the VOD and her neice
are staying with her

the other niece
the "crackhead"
that's been missing for months
has shown up

like vultures
circling a carcass already....

I've elicited a promise
from the VOD
that should she even look
like she's gonna "head south"
to call the cops

there is absolutely no way
my little mother
should have to deal with that fool
when she's outta her gourd
without one o her kids to protect her

family eh?
can't live with them
can't shoot them with the gun!

Remember the adage?

"I don't understand why a lack of planning on your part should constitute and emergency on my part"

?

I used to think....

that I'd rather be wealthy n stuff
but maybe I'm coming to understand
that being happy with myself
is more important

last night I got together
with several members of the Devil Ducks

remember them?
my old team from the call center?

Tami, Josh, Vicki, Liz, Carol, James and I
went to 5th street bar and grill
John and a friend of his turned up for a while
we ate
laughed
ate some more
laughed some more

and then split up
to head back to our own lives

it's amazing to me yet again
how much I miss those friendships
how much we have in common
even though I no longer work there

so this morning, the first day of the long weekend
I started off by going out for breaky
and then headed over to the call center to say hi
to those left behind

I saw my old boss Chris...who is up to his proverbial ass in alligators
as his lady is very ill and while he doesn't agree with her treatment choices
he's man enough to support her
~guess you'd call that love~
and I realized that even tho he and I didn't agree much
I still respect his work ethic and him as a human being

I saw Jan
who is still desperate to get out
but has no recourse other than to keep trying
to do so the way I did (as in get another job first)

I saw Lisa, who'll likely be there till the damn place closes
(I've never once heard her voice dissatisfaction about the place)

I saw Kefs who told me he's getting ill again
(that's sooo fucking unfair)
and I'll have to remember to go back and see him again
cos we didn't get much time to catch up

anyway.... it all got me to thinking
(oh oh!)
you know how some times a thought strikes you
and kinda blows you outta the water?

while standing in the lobby of that so call "secure" building
I was struck by the thought that every single job I've left
since I started working at 14
I could still walk back in
and visit people
even the one's that
I've been fired from
but not this one

it's like a jail
when yer in
ya can't get out
and when yer out
ya can't even stop by for a coffee

it was good to see people
(I even saw Sharine at Town n Country)
but it also truly solidified for me
that the job I currently have
while having some moments of
~agitation~
doesn't suck

and that maybe I need to work harder
at reminding myself
that my cup is now half full.

there was lots about that job
at the call center
that I flat out hated
but without it
and the medical benefits
that came with it
I would not now be as healthy as I am
without the drug plan
I would not be able to
live the life I'm living now
and I sure as hell wouldn't
have been healthy enough
to get the job I have now
without that particular job
I wouldn't be damn near "cured"

and I learned lots there...
I learned things about myself
that I'd not realized before
I learned how dogged I am when I believe in something
I learned that the absolute best way to deal with stress is to laugh
and that laughing at myself and bringing others along with me
was the best stress relief of all

I learned how to work under the most dire of circumstances
and I learned that people coming together
from all over the world and all walks of life
have commonality

I learned that if ya just make things crystal clear
everybody/anybody can do it

I learned that it doesn't matter what your "station" is in life…
that it doesn't matter how healthy you are or aren't…
it doesn't matter how you dress…
or what you eat…
or what your education is…

I learned that will life control us
if we let it

and the only way to
to take control back
is to grab onto the reigns
and hang on for dear life

and mostly
I learned
I'd rather be
happy and healthy
than wealthy and stuff

and after all that
deep and esoteric thought
I also realized
that having a couple o bucks
doesn't suck either!

Will Wonders Never Cease...

the bother
is taking
the VOD
to Merritt

I may faint!

but mostly I may sleep
been up since 3 and that sux

but the boss has decided we should
shut down early today
so maybe there's a nap in my future

because my old team
is getting together
and I need to be
sorta
kinda
maybe
almost
awake
to see them!

Sad

1. affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful: to feel sad because a close friend has moved away.
2. expressive of or characterized by sorrow: sad looks; a sad song.
3. causing sorrow: a sad disappointment; sad news.

I'm sad
the VOD just called to say
that her sister is loosing ground
in such a horrendously fast manner
such as the "family" doesn't think
she'll last another week
they are taking her to the hospital today
and she's signed a DNR (do not resuscitate)
so that's that

my mother is trying to be stoic
and failing
my brother had best step up to the plate
and take her to Merritt
but I can certainly imagine that he likely won't again
so
apparently I will spend my long weekend
behind the wheel of her car
on the Coquillhalla Highway

and being her strength

sometimes
it's damn near too much
for me to bear
for her
and
for me

I am way too easily

amuzed!

on the office front
apparently the bean counters
have had a "second thought"
or found some funds
under a rock er sommat
cos we're ok fer now

on a lighter note...
one of the members of the board
stopped by my office today
to let me know that
even if the unit
gets shut down
I ain't goin no where
cos apparently
I am a "breathe of fresh air"

ya
well
stay upwind!

third times a charm!

Imagine?
3 posts in one day
that don't happen often.....

ok
can I just say...
jezuz h keyyyy-rist on a crutch
my family is all nuts
and I'm not far behind!

now it's the fadder
the silly old fart bought a house with his partner 4 years ago
didn't bother to get an inspection
cos the "nice young man" that sold them the house
said everything was fine

*harumph*

he(the fadder) and his "partner" (and I use the term loosely)
have had the house on the market for months
but he can't tell me where they will go
or if they will even share a home after the house sells

still the house ain't selling
cos the crumbling retaining wall
has finally given up the ghost
the crumbly retaining wall that the "nice young man"
said would last forever
now needs $33,000.00 to repair!

the fadder
calls me in tears
"I'm on a pension...
where am I gonna get that kind o money?"

he phones me again all freaked out about an hour later
cos he gets a bill in the mail this morning
from Revenue Canada
for $88,000.00


"dad,
dad,
DAD!
it's a typo - call Revenue Canada"

he does and it is

so
the VOD and I are supposed to go to the cousin's house
for supper on Tues night

the fadder decides to invite himself
and calls my cell as I'm on way home
from a criminally cruddy day of work
to inform me that he and his partner
will be there for dinner on Tues night

"what?" says I
"you are bringing her...WTF am I supposed to do with the VOD?"
"that's not my problem" he says

the hell you say!
fuck eh?

now I have the completely untenable pleasure
of going home
and telling the VOD
that the old fart and his Chiquita
will be there for dinner
which will hurt the VOD's feelings
and of course will piss me off even more

and then she'll decide she won't go
so I'll decide I won't go
cos I ain't gonna leave her alone
and then she'll do the martyr thing
and I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't

just what the fuck is fair about that?

oh
and just to add insult to injury
the bean counters at work have decided that
our unit is top heavy
so our boss should let go one of us
which means if they let the Coordinator go
my work load goes from almost doable times 6
or
it means that they let me go
and I'm fucking unemployed

we'll see how this plays out
but it ain't gonna be pretty

we're a new unit
and new units are guaranteed to loose money
for the first 3 years
and we ain't even been open a full year yet
and already they're talking about pulling plugs
what the fuck did they expect
miracles?

I wish I was a drinker
I'd get pissed as a billy goat
I'm certainly in the right mood for it tonight!

this is not a test!

ok
do I communicate well?

this is not a rhetorical question
nor is it a test...

let me explain....
sometimes I think
that the reason I have a problem
dealing with some of the people
that I work with
is that I am missing something
in the communication department

I just explained something
to one of the ladies 3 times
and I explained the same thing
to her twice last week

"we have 9 people registered...
we had 10 people registered but I inadvertently deleted one 2 weeks ago
so we have to add that person manually
and then add you cos you took the course too
that makes 11"

she says..."I don't get that...there's only 9 people on the list
but 11 including me showed up"

"right I says...that's cuz we have 9 people registered... we had 10 people registered but I inadvertently deleted one 2 weeks ago so we have to add that person manually and then add you cos you took the course too that makes 11"

flamin flippin heck
what the fuck is wrong with this picture???

more on family...

so
the maiden aunts arrive unannounced on Wed of last week
this of course throws an immediate cluster fuck into my plans for the weekend
I am now the obligatory "Karen will drive you"
I'm not looking forward to this at all

so the deal is that we are to meet the aunts at my cousin's house on Sat at 2PM
the VOD and I leave around noonish
as she needs to bank and booze store etc

just prior to leaving
we get a call from the cousin stating he is taking his 7 & 8 yr old son's skating
and "by the way" his wife had to peel out at 7 AM to go to Nanoose as her uncle passed away
but "never you mind" we'll still meet up at his house at 2:30 with the maiden aunts and have a big ole dinner

so we do the banking and the booze run
and arrive at the cousin's house at 2:30
nobody's home - so we park in the driveway
it occurs to me that the cousin has a new cell phone
so I can't call him
we wait
and we wait
and we wait some more
so we wait even more...

eventually I realize that I should call my house phone
to check and see if he has left a message there
and sure enough he has

he's had to take the youngest son to the dr
as he fell while skating
turns out he's broken his collar bone
poor little man

so I call the maiden aunts and cancel
and the VOD and I stay long enough
to make sure that the cousin is ok
(cos usually it's his wife that deals with all the family type crises)

I hear the cousin tell his older son that he's proud of the way he helped out today
then I hear the older son tell his father that he's proud of his dad for not freakin out or crying
and for being so brave

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
the VOD and I came home and had pizza
then the maiden aunts decide that they want to take us out for supper
on Mother's Day

have ya ever tried to get a dinner reservation
last minute on Mother's Day?
no small feat!
but we did
and I ate too much
but after all is said and done
it's great to see the maiden aunts
and to see that some portion of my family
still acts like family

Hallelujah

written by Leonard Cohen
preformed by Jeff Buckley

Families eh?

The VOD and I had another scrap about the blister tonight...I've tried to explain that it's hard to have any kind of respect for someone that treats me the way she does, and it's hard to take the VOD always treating her like she's Queen for a Day when she finally deigns to show up.

I know it's wrong for me to bear the kind of distaste for my own sister that I do - but I simply find it immoral for someone that makes as much money as she does to have not even sent a single cent (in spite of lying all those times and saying that she had put money in the post) when the VOD was so sick...it angers me that I almost lost my job for taking care of the VOD and the blister just gets to drop in from lofty heights and gets treated like royalty...and I'm tired of being the beck n call girl while the VOD raves about what a wonderful human being the blister is...

I want my fucking life back....and frankly, I've said it before and I'll say it again....it breaks my heart that I have better relationships with people in my riding club than I do with my own sister. I know people trust me, and respect me, and honour me and love me. But does my sister? I think not.

The VOD wasn't up for any kind of discussion - she went from sorta pissy to out of her mind upset in one fell swoop....turns out that a week ago last Tuesday the VOD got a phone call from her sister in Merritt

Her sister is a recluse and only comes out of the house when accompanied by family members
to the Dr or the bank, her eldest daughter must drive 45 min each way to pick her up, her youngest daughter is a junkie and can't be trusted with the price of a loaf of bread

Her sister has just returned from the dr and has been informed that 60 years of smokin rollies has paid off - she has cancer of the esophagus...inoperable. She implores the VOD not to tell anyone until she can tell their brother who is currently working in Bali.

So the VOD doesn't tell anyone, she just sits at home crying, and not telling anyone until we all think she's lost her mind.

Tonight the sister calls the VOD and asks her to find a way to contact the brother in Bali to tell him that she's dying, because she's much worse and the dr has now prescribed morphine. So I emailed him asking him to call home. (now that's fair)

Although as adults the VOD and her sister have not exactly been close....the VOD with her marriage in ON and the sister in BC...they have over the last 10 years or so developed quite a "phone" relationship.

The VOD is devastated...and I've offered to book some time and take the VOD to Merritt to see the sister before she dies. She doesn't know if she can go...she's terrified of death...and she's frail. But I am her strength...and I will see that it gets done. Cos that's who I am.

All of this got me to wondering...if something happened to me, would the blister come unglued...would she try to make amends...would she want to....is she emotionally stunted or just an incredible narcissist? Is she passive aggressive or an untenable bitch?

good questions....
I sure as hell am no closer to understanding family than I was before...
Look out Merritt...apparently...here I come.

brain's unstuck

and so am I

so remember when I said that
once I officially book my holly daze
the blister will announce from on high
that she's coming to BC
just at the same time

I booked my holly daze from Aug 2 to 14
She's coming the 28 July to 12 Aug

fuck me
so now I get to be the heavy again

what kind of fuckin person books a major holiday
to travel half way across the country
to see the family
without checkin in with them first?
can ya get more selfish?

can ya?

My brain's stuck again

I have portions of 2 songs stuck in my head
on some kind of endless loop

the first song is sung by
Vanessa Williams
and is called
"Save the Best for Last"

lovely and melodious
romantic song

the second song is done by
Akon featuring Eminem
and is called
"Smack That"

no so much with the lovely and melodious
and not so freaking romantic

but in my head the loop is:

"Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last"....
"smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore
smack that, oooh"
"Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last"....
"smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore
smack that, oooh"
"Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last"....
"smack that, all on the floor,
smack that, give me some more,
smack that, 'till you get sore
smack that, oooh"

Help me!
I've tried "In a Gadda da vida"
but even that ain't helping this time

Living in the NOW

"There are the NOWS, WAS'S, and GONNA-BE'S.

A NOW is the most precious thing you can have, because a NOW goes by with the speed of light.

Let's say you're having a beautiful NOW that you want to hold on to forever.

No matter how much you want to hold on to it, it's going to be a WAS.

A lot of people get stuck in and can't let go of the WAS'S.

Those WAS'S get heavy, and they start to decay into SHOULDA-COULDAS.

And they never have time for the new NOW".

- Sid Caesar

(thanks for the reminder littlequicky)

Remember the Duirwaigh....

sometimes we need to be reminded....

click here
scroll down to the bottom and click on the link
titled
"A Knock at the Door"

and remember the Duirwaigh my friends
remember....

I need your help....

ya
that's right
you!

the person reading my blog right now!

I'm participating
in a little
"market research"
of my own

I have filled out
a little questionnaire
to find
My "Inner Daemon"

and I have the results....

so now
over the next 12 days...

those of you that "read" me regularly
can help me out with something

click on this link
answer the questions
and at the end of 12 days
we'll all find out
what/who my Inner Daemon is
and then I'll post it here

it's all good
I promise.....
I'll end up with a better understanding
of how you all perceive me....

don't be shy
LoL

In the Arms...

of the Angel

A healthy reminder

If you die today...
work will replace you tomorrow...
run without you in a week...
and forget you in a month.

So why do we spend so much time
focusing on work and less time on life?

Don't live to work...Work To Live!

Fear Factor

went to the dr's yesterday
(remember a time
when the dr was
virtually daily
or weekly outings
as opposed to yearly?)

he says that I'm lucky
they Crohn's is behaving
the blood pressure is too
but I need to come off the hormones

*ATTN all men* stop reading here
if frank talk about
"women's works" bother you

so when I had a hysterectomy
the gynecologist put me on estrogen...

...I've always had

really elevated levels of testosterone

and for years they (they being the drs)

attributed my hair loss to testosterone

but we've since found out that the hair loss

is indicative of auto immune disease

anyway - the elevated testosterone

was attributed to my then "overactive"

sex drive...

seems in my misspent youth

I was always fighting er fuckin...

the removal of my ovaries and uterus

also stopped the Endometriosis on a dime

which aided in the ability to reach "remission"

with the Crohn's Disease...

at the same time I was put on estrogen

I was put on Elavil for the night terrors

attributed to PT SD

the Elavil is a very low dose

doesn't aid me in getting to sleep

but when I do get to sleep

I sleep like someone hit me on the head

with a rock

the combination of estrogen and Elavil

have completely eradicated my libido

I could care less if I ever have sex again

don't miss it

don't care

however the added side effect of the combination

has made my years of mind boggling

PMS

disappear

I no longer would rather fight than quit

I no longer have screaming arguments with

inanimate objects

I no longer am a vindictive hateful bitch

altho my reputation still doth proceed me

LoL

so yesterday the dr advises

that by the time I'm 55

I must be offa the hormone

that gives me 3 years

and I'm scared

I hear all the arguments in favor of quiting

lower risk of invasive breast cancer

lower chance of gall bladder attacks

lower risk of greater risk of developing dementia,

including Alzheimer's disease (I need alla help I can get)

lower risk of stroke and deep vein thrombosis

lower risk of risk of myocardial infarction

altho the weight loss wouldn't suck!

but again

I'm scared

I'm liking my quiet sedate life (for the first time in 50 years)

I don't want to go back there

I don't want to be mean

I don't want to be governed by my libido ever again

I don't want to become a shrieking banshee again

there's gotta be a way

but I can't find it - yet!

what's a woman to do?