Fear Factor

went to the dr's yesterday
(remember a time
when the dr was
virtually daily
or weekly outings
as opposed to yearly?)

he says that I'm lucky
they Crohn's is behaving
the blood pressure is too
but I need to come off the hormones

*ATTN all men* stop reading here
if frank talk about
"women's works" bother you

so when I had a hysterectomy
the gynecologist put me on estrogen...

...I've always had

really elevated levels of testosterone

and for years they (they being the drs)

attributed my hair loss to testosterone

but we've since found out that the hair loss

is indicative of auto immune disease

anyway - the elevated testosterone

was attributed to my then "overactive"

sex drive...

seems in my misspent youth

I was always fighting er fuckin...

the removal of my ovaries and uterus

also stopped the Endometriosis on a dime

which aided in the ability to reach "remission"

with the Crohn's Disease...

at the same time I was put on estrogen

I was put on Elavil for the night terrors

attributed to PT SD

the Elavil is a very low dose

doesn't aid me in getting to sleep

but when I do get to sleep

I sleep like someone hit me on the head

with a rock

the combination of estrogen and Elavil

have completely eradicated my libido

I could care less if I ever have sex again

don't miss it

don't care

however the added side effect of the combination

has made my years of mind boggling

PMS

disappear

I no longer would rather fight than quit

I no longer have screaming arguments with

inanimate objects

I no longer am a vindictive hateful bitch

altho my reputation still doth proceed me

LoL

so yesterday the dr advises

that by the time I'm 55

I must be offa the hormone

that gives me 3 years

and I'm scared

I hear all the arguments in favor of quiting

lower risk of invasive breast cancer

lower chance of gall bladder attacks

lower risk of greater risk of developing dementia,

including Alzheimer's disease (I need alla help I can get)

lower risk of stroke and deep vein thrombosis

lower risk of risk of myocardial infarction

altho the weight loss wouldn't suck!

but again

I'm scared

I'm liking my quiet sedate life (for the first time in 50 years)

I don't want to go back there

I don't want to be mean

I don't want to be governed by my libido ever again

I don't want to become a shrieking banshee again

there's gotta be a way

but I can't find it - yet!

what's a woman to do?